Episode 3: Pet Peeves and Fertility, What a Combo!

This week, as the title suggests, you get odds and ends of my brain. I bounce from time blindness, pet peeves, and then go on a large side trip of our fertility struggles. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:07

Hi guys. So this is gonna be an interesting kind of uh variation from our normal programming all three episodes of all normal programming. Because I'm feeling super, super low energy today, but I have been putting off recording all week. So it is very interesting to me to look at how I feel from one week to the next. Uh because the first two weeks of doing this, I was really pumped and I was so excited, and there's all these things I want to do. But on weeks like this week, for some reason, my energy levels have just been in the garbage. I have not been wanting to do any work. Well, what's on you? I haven't been wanting to do anything extra. So I'm just getting by my days really. I went to the gym a lot this week, and that was awesome. It got me feeling like a little bit better, kind of giving back my groove and doing things I needed to do. But then once the weekend came, I was out. I was done for. I don't know what the deal is. Uh I don't know. I think it's maybe it's the weather. I'm not sure. I stayed in bed a long time today, and uh when I finally got up, I had some food, I had my medicine, blah blah blah. But the weather is so blah, it's so humid. Uh the humidity like makes me angry. We went to an event yesterday and the room was super, super hot the whole time, and just I was melting. I was dying. All my will to live was just slowly leaching from my body. So today I just turned up or down, whichever way makes sense, the AC so I could be a little bit more comfortable while I record. But I'm waiting for that to kick in, because uh I feel like I can chew the air, and that's a really weird feeling. You know, as someone who was supposed to grow up on an island or that's where my roots are from, I really hate the heat. I hate it a lot. It'll make me super angry. I had kind of a plan for today, but I don't really feel like reading from a paper or making a plan, so it's probably gonna be a little bit of a shorter episode, and it's also gonna be a kind of negative Nelly episode, because that's where I'm at today. You know, I can't always be up. I'm not always a sunshine daisy kind of girl. I'm probably very rarely a sunshine sunshine daisy kind of girl, but I just want to complain for a little while. So something that I did write on the list from last week, it was just kind of carryover from what I was doing, was some of my pet peeves related to my AHD slash just in general. So we're gonna talk about some of that stuff, because sometimes you just need to bitch. And I have the good fortune of being able to bitch on a channel that I created. And you guys can listen to it or not, doesn't matter. But you know, if you are feeling this way today and you can nod your head and say, oh, I hate that too. You are in the right place, my friends. Let me actually just kind of finish off some of the stuff from last week. Something that I did not have the time to talk about last week. Uh I giggle because the the the idea is time blindness, no urgency to do anything. Part of the ADHD experience is that we experience time blindness, which means that we kind of underestimate or overestimate how long it will take us to do something, and or okay, well, I think I'm only gonna take five minutes to do this thing. I'm gonna get out the door, I'm gonna get there on time. No, that never happens. I do that just about every morning. I was like, I set my alarm and I say, okay, you're gonna get up at this time if you want to shower. And you know, I'm sure you've seen the memes or whatever, where it's like, oh, get up now if you want to brush your hair, get up now if you want to brush your teeth, get up now, you're late. Uh so that's my day, pretty much every day. I usually get up about an hour before I have to be somewhere, and if I haven't gotten out of bed by the 15-minute mark, I'm probably gonna be late. Uh, because I always think, okay, well, I'm just gonna sleep for another five minutes, and then I end up being five minutes late. Because even if I just have to like a shower at night sometimes anymore, so I don't have to get up in the morning and do what I need to do, I'm just have to factor in putting on clothes and brushing my teeth, and then I can go. However, I go downstairs, I give the bunnies their treats, they'll look kind of cute, and I give them little pettings, and then they are out of hay, so let me give them hay. And no, date, they're they're out of water because water, oh shit, I need water, so I get water, and by that time, it's 10 minutes have gone by and I'm already late. Time blindness, very serious. Um, there's also that something like uh it's called waiting mode. So for example, if I have an appointment at like 3 p.m. and I wake up at 11, I'm like, well, I just gotta sit here for the next four hours because I can't do anything feasible in that time. I can't run any errands, I can't do this, I can't do that, because I'm gonna be late to this appointment, so I'm just gonna have to sit here and like standby mode. So that's something that we kind of deal with. Uh when I was in school, I waited till the last minute to do projects, always, regardless of how much prep time I had. I had an 80-page paper due my I don't even know what year of college it was, but it was like something we worked on all semester, and there were definitely pieces that we had to turn in like every week to complete the picture. However, there was like a 12-page paper to finish it all off, and I definitely did that in the library the day before. And I got a B plus on that project, only because I would have gotten an A had I not really like looked over it. I was just done, I didn't want to look at it anymore. I forgot to add the bibliography, even though they were at the top of every page, and I did complete it. I just forgot to print it and put it in the book. Poof, poo on me for not paying attention, because I would have gotten an A on that one. But when I did my grad school experience, that took you know five years, I just finished it last year, I waited until the last minute to do projects every time, every day, all the time. Uh it wasn't real to me until it was like eight hours away, and then the the clock started ticking, and everyone's like, Why do you do this to yourself? It should be better if you did it on the internet.

unknown 5:59

No.

SPEAKER_00 6:00

I have to do things in in the moment, or it's not gonna happen. Because I don't have enough time, it doesn't matter to me right now, it's not real, I'd rather do other things with my time. You know, high speed, late in the middle of the night. Luckily, I think better at night, so it's fine. Uh I graduated with a 4.0 GPA, by the way. So people say, you sharing do three things. Whatever it works. It works for me. It's higher stress, but what's life without extra stress that you didn't actually need? Come on, come on, guys. Uh and fun fact, in my undergrad I got a 3.2 GPA, but I wasn't super interested in all the things I was studying, so I was just kind of getting by. But I had scholarships to keep, so I had to make sure that I was doing alright. I did look at my transcripts the other day and I saw C, C, C. I'm like, wow, I don't remember getting this many Cs. But there they are. I got 'em. It's fine. When it comes to the day, kind of like I am today, uh, I procrastinate during the day. I don't do a whole lot during the day if I don't have to. The nighttime is my time to try and come alive when the sun goes down. So like after 10 p.m. is is my peak time. Because, you know, most people are asleep. No one's bothering me. So I can get into work mode, I can creative get into creative mode, I can edit things, or I'll write my paperwork, or I'll play my video games, I'll listen to podcasts, I can do whatever. Uh, but during the day, you know, people want to talk and they want to hang out and they want to do this and that and that. There's nothing wrong with that. I just like don't like to get started on a project that I can't finish at that time. So once I start it, I'm gonna finish it. Most of the time. If I can. So yeah, I feel like I hate sleep procrastination, which means that once you go to bed, it's like I'm gonna do all the things during the day that I have to do, and then I'm gonna stay awake later to like add a little bit of extra time to in the day to do what I want to do. So, like, you know, I'll sit downstairs until midnight or one or two, and when I finally come up, he'd think, Oh, it's time for bed. No. Then I will either scroll on my phone or I'll read a book or I'll listen to a book, whatever, whatever, just to kind of give back a little bit of the time for the day because I feel like I have things I don't want to do all day long. I have to do laundry, I have to help people, I have to do cooking, I have to work out, I have to do all this stuff. That's just like on the to-do list of things that I absolutely have to do. And at night I let th go of those expectations to myself. At night I let go of expectations of myself to do something, and I allow myself to scroll or play games or read, just whatever I want to do. So most of the things I do involve multitasking, but it's not always for the best. For example, I have a whole room of laundry I need to fold right now. It's not as bad as last time. I did take care of that big pile. It did take me two hours to be sure. But when I do that, I can listen to podcasts for work. And then I can pair two non-preferred tasks together, I can knock them both out. Uh driving time is ideal for me to listen to work podcasts, but since it's the only private time I have during the work day, I usually have about 30 minutes between people. Uh, sometimes I'd prefer to listen to a book or have a nice little concert in my car. I need that dopamine hit to get through the rest of the day. So I usually go to sleep at like 2 a.m. or later, but I have to get up again at 8 some days. I get that sleep is important. I just don't get it that much because my body doesn't want to. It helps when I work out to kind of keep me a little bit more regulated, but anymore I've been waking up at 7 a.m. for no reason, which is annoying. Let's go ahead and move into my little pet peeve list. Because it's easier to talk about, easier to complain today than it is to keep myself interested in anything else at the moment. Uh I have lots of pet peeves, so many of them. Uh the first thing that I wrote on this list is traffic. I will immediately respond if people are pausing in front of me too long. So like give you like five to ten seconds at a green light to move before I give you just a little hung, just like a little a quick little one. I'll rump in my car, but I won't like flip people off or roll down the windows to yell at them. Uh the world's a great place. And I don't want to die if someone gets angry at me. Traffic is the bane of my existence. That is not new to anyone who lives in a city. Um, but normally when I'm finishing with my people, I'm going home around four, five, six, something in there. It was like peak rush hour time. I would much rather like I usually call my friend every day, or you know, like on a regular schedule, when I know that I'm gonna be driving for a long time in annoying conditions, so I can like distract my brain from doing that and not sit there seeping that I'm not moving. I would much rather like take back roads and stop at red lights every now and then than go on the highway, which is faster anyway, but then get stuck and not move anywhere. Because that's you know, you can't go anywhere. You're stuck. Like, if you have to go to the bathroom, too bad. You're getting antsy, too bad. The next exit isn't up there until six minutes, too bad, you just gotta deal with it. I really don't understand or like when people decide to talk to me when I have my headphones on. For example, if uh if I'm at the gym. Not a lot of people talk to me at the gym, I got a mean face, but I don't like uh when people are trying to engage with me when I have my headphones on. I tend to sit apart and spread out so people get the hint to have limited interactions with me. So kind of like the last time I was talking about going to a conference and kind of spreading out, like I will have a book in my hands and headphones. I will be writing something down in a notebook, like I will keep my eyes down so you do not engage with me. I'll have my phone up, I'll be watching a movie. Like it feels shitty to just be like so antisocial, but I just don't want to. I just don't want to sometimes, a lot of the time. You know, I if I'm someplace that I don't want to be, or someplace that I have to be, and it wasn't like super my choice, I have to find some way to deal with it. And usually that's how. Like I'm not as grumpy as I oh I probably am, but I like to think I'm not as grumpy as I present myself. But inside my brain is a lot more negative than what comes out of my mouth, just because it's safer in there, you know. That's actually funny. So I was just talking about that. That's actually the next point on my list, and I forgot it was there, is that I always feel so grumpy and all I do is share my complaints and things that annoy me, but I'm trying to be transparent about the things I experience. So, like today, again, I am low energy, I kind of don't want to do this today, but I've been putting it off all week, and this is something that I want to do, something that I kind of committed to, and uh, you know, it's always good to be able to like listen back, and I also know that you know a lot of people that are listening are having these days too, where it's like right now it's Sunday at 5.30 something. You know, Sunday is pre-Munday, like you can't really enjoy Sunday sometimes, just thinking about all the things I have to do tomorrow, and I've got meetings and I've got like altered schedules and all that stuff, and I've been I've had a pretty busy weekend, so I'm not super looking forward to getting back in the grind. Um, I would rather just like a full day to just chill and do nothing. But even on those days where I have nothing to do, if I chill and I don't do anything productive, I still don't feel like I earned my day. I don't know if anybody else does that, but I feel like I have to earn my relaxation sometimes. Usually on the weekend, I will get up, I will do whatever I need to do in my house, feed the bunnies, do whatever, I'll run errands and do all the annoying things that I don't want to do, and then I can relax. I'm like, okay, I did all this stuff, I can go watch a movie, I can sit at home, I can just like veg out, I can do whatever I need to do now because I earned this relax. And it shouldn't be like that. It really shouldn't. And I don't know if that's just an American thing, because other places, you know, they take regular breaks and they take care of themselves, and it's not like, ugh, I have to earn my weekend. Uh, I would thrive in those kind of activities, you know. If I was able to like take a siesta in the middle of the day and then go back to work, oh, that's my nightmare. That's not my nightmare, that's my dream. I was so used to being negative that that's why it came out. I feel like I don't hide my irritation or agitation or negativity very well sometimes, but I can mask okay on occasion. So, you know, I have a a people-facing job where I have to go every day and talk to people about what's going on with them and how they're doing and how what kind of challenges and successes they've had, and I walk this line in my profession of like trying to figure out how much of myself that is like acceptable and appropriate to give other people and how much of it to keep to myself. So a lot of the time, you know, I'll if I if it's something kind of like light, I'll share it with my people. Like I share what we do, I share the movies we go to, whatever, whatever. But if I have like a big problem in my life, like I try really hard not to share that one. I don't know, in the beginning of the spring we were going through fertility treatment. I'm gonna take a little side shoot here. I was gonna do a whole episode about this, but I don't know. Maybe it's just gonna come out now and then I can be done with it. A little slide on back through. I met my husband when I was 35. Sounds right, 35 or 34. Um, by that time, I had been in some relationships, you know, like I thought I was gonna, you know, whatever, I was gonna marry the guy that I was with in college, and I didn't really have to worry about it, and that was all set to go. And then I was single forever. And in that time, as the world got crazier and crazier and crazier, I was like, hmm, if I don't have kids, I don't know, that's such a terrible thing. If it doesn't happen for me, it doesn't happen for me, and that's okay. And my dad urged me, like, up and down to get my eggs frozen, maybe ten years ago, and I was so annoyed by that, just like the audacity of him telling me what to do with my body, and you know, this is like really invasive process or something that I really didn't care about anyway, and I get really pissed off about it. Fast forward to meeting my husband, and before we were even married, we were kind of talking about this, and you know, the the prospect of kids and what we want to do and blah la la la. So I was pretty nonchalant and non-like committal about it all uh before I met my husband, because I was just like, okay, sure, I'm like doing what I want to do, so I have the option someday to adopt if you know my body decides not to do this. Um and I was always okay with that because I've been I've worked in social work, you know, I've worked in a lot of bad situations, and I've watched a little kids suffer in the lives that they are given, and I know that we have so many kids, just in the US alone, that need homes, that need better lives, you know, and I'm happy to provide that. That's always been in my plan one way or another to adopt, so even if we had kids biologically, that was going to be on the table anyway. But we talked about it. We wanted to get our wedding out of the way first, and we had actually kind of started both processes at the same time about three years ago. We booked our hotel venue, we booked our venue for the reception and all that jazz, and we were also talking to doctors at the moment about starting fertility treatment. So I didn't have the insurance when we first started talking about this fertility journey, and my husband did, so eventually I got on his health insurance, la-di-da-di-da, one thing after another. We had the insurance at some point, but not when we first started. So when they told us that our fertility treatment was going to be just about as much as our wedding, I had a breakdown. And I was like, you know what? I can't do all of this right now. This is too much. Uh, our wedding is already in the process. Like, honestly, that prospect is more interesting to me right now than trying to get poked and prodded and do all this other stuff right now. So, like, let's only do one thing at a time. So we got started with our wedding, took two years to plan, did all the whole thing, and once we were done, I was like, all right, now we can kind of shift our focus to this fertility journey. We had fertility insurance for a little while because I was on my husband's insurance, and then we lost that insurance, but we decided to kind of get started at the tail end of that insurance losing adventure. So we got it started, and they were like, okay, well, we started in in I think early December. It was pretty soon after we got back from Rockingman. We were trying to get everything done in the window of time that we had the insurance, but it was like it was really hard to get in contact with the offices, and it was just a whole thing. It was like a month of trying to get scheduled for um an x-ray or ultrasound and whatnot in the beginning, and that like really pushed our timeline out quite a bit. Um, so we kind of find if we found out about how much it was gonna be. I don't know if you've ever uh thought about this and researched it, but fertility treatment is hella fucking expensive. So expensive. And so, you know, we had to kind of like shuffle around and stress out about how to find the money to pay for this experience, and there were definitely times that I looked at it and I was like, I don't know if I really want to do this. Like, it's so much money, and uh it's not guaranteed that it's gonna work, and you know, whatever. Oh, I guess I should tell you guys what we were trying to. Um, we were trying to gather eggs for me, and then we were going to have them fertilized. Um, so we were in a freeze embryos, so the child would have been ours, biologically, and then we were going to get a surrogate down the road, which is also expensive, but I'm older, I didn't really want to carry said child. I had my little bout of teenage pregnancy way back when, and I had a miscarriage, and just the four months of me being pregnant at that time was just like the worst time of my life. It sounds awful, but like not everyone's gonna tell you that pregnancy is not like this magical, wonderful thing. It kind of sucks. Don't let anybody tell you different. And it's different for everybody, but I did not have a good time. I was sick every day, I like my mental health was really bad, and I was honestly just not in a good place to be dealing with that anyway, but you know, I I was just like the one experience I have, and that was just not something I wanted to do again. And also, again, I'm 37 now, just thinking about the timeline of having a child. If that had been like if it had worked out the way it was supposed to, we wouldn't have been kind of like unfreezing our eggs and doing that jazz for like another five years. So by then I will be 47, 30, 39, 40, 41, 41, and who knows what my body's gonna do. Uh that was our plan to get a surrogate someday, freeze these embryos, blah, blah, blah. We started this process, we got all of our things figured out, we got all of our initial tests done, and they're like, okay, well, you know, your it's called AMH, I don't know what it stands for, please don't ask. Uh, look it up. And it's basically what they can pull from like your ovarian reserve, basically to tell you you have lots of eggs in there, you don't have enough. There's not actually any way for them to tell how many eggs you have, but from what they were reading at the time, that's just like a right now split shot kind of like measurement. But at the time my AMH was really low. And my doctor told me, Well, I'm not feeling super hopeful for what we can get from you, because you know, with this AMH and your age and whatever, whatever, like it's not like gonna be wildly successful. It's just like, what do you want to do? So we talked about it, we decided to go for it. Cool. So once the actual process got started, I was having to go to the doctor just about every other morning for two weeks to get blood drawn every day to have a transvaginal ultrasound. This is a lot of information, sorry guys, but just in case you didn't know, we're gonna deep. Mystify the process. That is not a regular ultrasound. It sucks. It is very invasive. It hurts. Uh they're just poking around your insides, trying to find your ovaries. It's not a good time. So I had to do that just about every other day. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I am working. I am working every day. So I would go to these appointments at 8 a.m. and then I would go and see my clients after being violated and you know whatever. So I was already not in having a good time. And yeah, I didn't really want to share this with my people, but there are some clients that I'm a little bit closer to that I was okay telling, listen, I'm probably gonna be like a little bit tired or I'm gonna have a little bit of an altered attitude, and like I'm gonna have surgery on this day, so just like be prepared for the fact that I won't be here for a few days, and I'm probably gonna be like a little bit off for a minute. So like don't fret, but things are I'm just gonna let you know that if there's because some of my people are really perceptive, you know, they'll be they would be really keyed into my changes in my attitude. So I let them know, got some of the stuff going on. So yes, I was working through most of it. There were days that I definitely cancelled all my appointments because when you're taking all these fertility drugs, uh we had to do injections every day. My husband was kind enough to do them for me because I'm a chicken and I would not. But I like every night I would get 30 minutes before I would put on lidocaine on my skin, so it could numb the area. I would put on an ice pack about five minutes before. We'd mix it all up, little chemists, did the whole thing. Um, he would do the injections, etc. etc. That part was honestly not as bad as I was expecting. I was actually really terrified of that, but I didn't really have that many side effects. I was just really tired. And about, I don't know, probably near the end of the cycle, I was just like agitated by everything. I remember going to a fitness class with my friend for the first time, and everybody was like so happy and they were all having so much fun. And inside I'm like, ugh, I don't understand why everybody's just giggling and having a wonderful time. Like, this is so dumb. I don't want to be here. And then the next time I went out, I was like, okay, I get it, it's fun. But like, I don't know, I just had the worst attitude. Like I said, agitation is like the one thing the body knows how to do super, super well. So I was being like shot up with a bunch of hormones every day, and you know, like my estrogen levels are through the roof, and that was a whole thing. So for two weeks I'm working through this experience, my ovaries are getting bigger and bigger and bigger, and every time I went, they would tell me, okay, your your your follicles, your follicles are growing, and you've got this money, and it's awesome, and it's looking wonderful. And I'm like, cool. So every day, more and more hope. I'm like, okay, well, maybe this won't be as bad as we're expecting. I'm like, I don't have high hopes, but I just wanted like one or two viable embryos to freeze. I'm like, you know, everybody just says it takes one, but like if we got down the line and only had one viable embryo that like tested well, when you get the embryos, you have to um, they go through a lot of phases. So you have the eggs, and then it the next step is fertilizing them, and then whether or not they get fertilized. So that's the next step. And usually you have some drop-off there. And then after they're fertilized, you have to see if they mature, and then after they mature and they're in full like blasphysis stage or whatever, they send them off for testing if you want them to. Some people don't, but I was like, you know, with our with my age and thege the situation, like let's make sure that like there's no super super funky genetics going on. Um, so we opted in to have them tested. So when you send them off for testing, there's a more drop-off there too. So usually not all of them make it through to say, okay, well, they've got the right amount of this or the right amount of that. Um, and some people, like I said, just take the gamble because that is just like a test right at that time. The embryos as they develop, they can like kind of work out imperfections or whatnot, and sometimes they don't. But I wasn't willing to take that chance. So, yes. So I was anticipating that we weren't gonna have like a ton of anything to work with. But as we were going and, you know, finding out every day that this was going really well, and okay, well, my my embryos felt like rocks, like, okay, everything feels right. I think we're on on target, cool. And every time I went, they're like, alright, this looks good, that looks good, you're doing everything perfectly, cool. So we went through this whole process, and then we had like our trigger day. So there's a giant shot that got shot in my ass. Again, it didn't hurt as much as I thought it was, but but my husband was terrified to give me the shot because it was a big one. Um, so I went to the doctor, they told me everything looks good, awesome, awesome, you know, we'll we'll do our collection on Thursday. So we went in for this collection, everybody was hee-hee ha ha and with us, we were having a good time, we were, you know, whatever, we were feeling hopeful. I went through the surgery, I woke up, and the doctor walked in. And she was like, Well, I know this is not what you wanted to hear, but we got one egg. I'm like, cool. Before this all started, too, I like told the people that I was interacting with, even I was like, you know, I know that this is not like a guaranteed situation, but I also know that I'm not gonna be able to help feeling like a fucking failure if it doesn't work. And everyone assured, it's not your fault. I'm like, I know it's not my fault. But like, you know, all the woulda shulda kuddas in life, you're gonna think, oh, okay, well, I should have frozen my eggs when my dad told me to be 10 years ago. Also, I wouldn't have been able to. Let's get real about that. That was really expensive. There's definitely not something I would have been able to do back then. So, you know, just all the shoulda coulda woudas of well, what if blah blah blah. And I asked my husband all the time, like, well, why did you fall in love with someone who's 10 years older than you? Like, isn't that isn't that stuck for you? He's like, No, it's because I fell in love with you, I don't care. And I was like, okay, great. Thanks. So I felt like absolute trash after everything kind of went sideways. And everyone was so hopeful, you know, at least the the nurse who rolled us out was like, you know, it just takes one. I was like, yeah, whatever. She was like, you never know. And like, I know, I know. With the with the grand scheme of my life and my luck in life, like, I I know this one egg is not gonna be it. And they're like, well, let's just wait and see. So I went home and I cried for a while, and I was just like really depressed about it, and I was just feeling really down and really defeated by the whole thing. And um, you know, still to this day, I'm like, we just spent all this money that, you know, obviously we still owe for all this stuff for nothing. And, you know, my husband likes to point out, like, we needed to try it. Just, you know, we needed to give ourselves the chance, and he's right. But it's really easy still to feel like it was a lot of effort and a lot of like toll on my body for not a lot of payoff, aside from like knowing that that wasn't gonna work. It's fertility treatment's uh it's a beast, it's it's a lot of things to worry about. Um, so yeah, when they that happened, they told us, you know, you got one egg and blah blah blah, and I'm like, okay, cool. And the thing too was that like the day before when they had measured me for my follicles and whatnot, they told me that I had like 10. 10 follicles that were big enough. And usually when they're big enough, you you have like a mature egg and then it's ready to go. They're like, you know, your body responded super well, but like either there was nothing in them or they just like wouldn't detach correctly or whatever, and they're like, that's really pretty normal for your age. And it's just like, you know, I'm not fucking 42, 57, 100, like Jesus Christ. I I get it, I know age has to do with it, but like I'm not a decrepit old cryptkeeper walking the earth, like not empty in there, geez. So it's just not a good time. It was not a good experience, I didn't feel good about it after the fact. You know, I just felt kind of shitty because society likes to put this on us, on w as women, that you know, we have to procreate and we have to create this life and we have to be wonderful, and we have to be so excited about being pregnant someday, and we have to be so excited about the prospect of being a vessel. I'm like, I'm not excited about any of that. And then I felt bad after it didn't happen. So it's it's been a pretty complicated journey as far as that goes. Yeah, the more important part of the story, I guess, is on that one, is as I was like, you know, laying in bed morning, I got a call from the doctor, and I was like, I already know what she's gonna say. And they're like, Yeah, the egg wasn't viable. Like, oh, shocking. Wow, okay. And so we talked about it and we already knew that this was probably gonna be the only cycle that we tried because it's ridiculously expensive, and like the having to go to the doctor every morning and just have my body poked and prodded at every day was like not my vibe. It was not a good time, it was really time consuming, and it was really like I I walk I missed out on like two weeks of work cumulatively just because I just wasn't feeling it, and um, you know, my body was coming through a lot of stuff, and then it was like the drop-off afterward, too, like as all of the hormones wear off, they're like, you know, you're gonna have like an estrogen drop and you're gonna feel it. And um it didn't feel that terrible, I guess, in the beginning. I feel like it was like on a delay. It was like two weeks after the fact that I was just like really agitated and really sad and all that jazz. So, yeah, fertility on that side was something. We still have like medications, and I'm staring right now at a box of like needles and everything that like they just make me so angry. I um because again, anger and agitation, that's what I know how to deal with instead of grief, I guess. I was cleaning out a bag yesterday because I just like tend to throw all the junk mail in a bag and then I sort through it later. I unpacked that bag yesterday and I found all of the pink sheets that were showing every day how I was measuring were my follicles and what size they were and how many I had and whatever, whatever. And I just I was so mad. I thought I had gotten rid of that stuff, but I just thrown it in a bag to deal with later. So it's just like these reminders. I still have like, you know, the medications left over, and I'm like, these are so much money, I don't want to just throw them out, but like I don't have any use for them anymore. My doctor did call me after the fact too to be like, okay, well, how are you feeling? I'm like, how am I supposed to be feeling? What do you think? And she's like, I get it. She's like, this is a long process, it's a lot of stress on your body, it's a lot of stress on your mind, it's a lot of financial stress. She's like, I totally understand. I was like, great, because I'm not doing it again. And she's like, no, I totally get that. I was like, you know, if you guys ever change your mind, call us back, you know, whatever. And I was like, great. So at that time we decided that I was going to try and get my body in better shape, which is still a challenge, to try and get my body in better shape that way we could at least try naturally next year when we're feeling ready for it. And this is really kind of speeding up our child timeline, like faster than we were hoping. But if we have any hope to have a kid biologically, then we do need to start trying. I just want to make sure that my body's in a better place for it. Um, because I don't want to, you know, get pregnant and then have all these complications. So yeah, that's our kind of plan right now. And again, that's not something that's guaranteed. I mean, they told us, you know, you're 37 years old, you have as much chance as anyone else who's 37 to get pregnant naturally. So, you know, if that's what you want to do, you can try and go for it and I'll like movie. So again, it's not something that I ever really like planned on doing myself, just because like the one experience I had, you know, like everything's every pregnancy is different. I'm in a really different place right now, but like just thinking about um the fact that like I'm gonna have to change my medications and my mental health is gonna take a hit, and like, you know, is while I know that it's like the most natural thing in the world for like women to carry kids, like I don't think people talk enough about how many expectations are placed on a woman's body just in general. You know, like we have periods every month and that fucking sucks, and it's just like you know, it's a natural thing and blah blah blah, but like uh we just have to go through like this pain and some people, you know, tr omit tremendous amounts of pain every month to keep our bodies regulated and whatever, and like we have extra emotions and we've got all these other kind of hormone makeups and we've always been expected to take care of people and take care of situations and be nurturing and it's uh it's just unfair. It's unfair. And knowing that like I was pretty secure in my decision in the beginning of, you know, if I don't have kids, I don't have kids and whatever, and then like going through his ex this experience and still feeling like absolute trash at the end, knowing that like I couldn't even like produce however many eggs for them to pull or whatever, like makes me feel like failure. Even though again, I know it's not. I know I'm not, you know, like I told myself this before everything happened, but you just can't help that sometimes. You can't. And it sucks. And you know, the expectation is still there that like this is something that every woman has supposed to want, and if she doesn't have kids, like you know, with this this administration or the general idea these days of like, well, if a woman doesn't have a kid, like what is she what is she good for? Like this is her destiny. No, I have other things that I have on the on the agenda that I can do to change the world. I don't have to be a mother. Uh we are gonna try next year. I think the worst part of it all too is that as that whole thing happened in the beginning, I was like, oh, I'm kinda on the fence about it. And then the longer that we kind of like got into the situation, like thinking about a biological child to pass on my culture to and to share our stories with and to see, oh well, she's got my traits, or he's got his traits, and oh, this is what she looks like, and then blah blah blah. Like getting attached to that idea, uh, it really kind of decided my path going forward. Like you said, I never wanted to carry a child if I didn't have to, but like not everybody has that benefit or that uh that privilege to do. So if it happens, then awesome, because now I am attached to the idea. And I think it probably always was. I just like didn't want to think about it in case it didn't happen. But you know, like my husband and I are awesome people, and I think making a smaller version of us to raise and have fun and do whatever with is gonna be awesome. But like I don't know if that's in the cards for us. You know, everyone is just all it'll happen in time. Maybe it won't. Let's just be realistic about it, maybe it won't. And if it doesn't, that's okay. You know, we were always gonna adopt anyway, but it's not exactly the same. You know? I'm still excited about the chance to like raise a child and give somebody the happiness that they deserve and make sure that they feel loved and cared for. And, you know, I am a nurturing person. I do enjoy caring for people I love deeply, and like any child that is like put in my care is going to be they're gonna be happy and safe and secure. But, you know, it's it's kind of uh like now without having either type of child in my life, I guess, it is, you know, easier to kind of mourn what could have been, I guess, and not knowing if it's gonna happen or not. Um, and I know this is something that uh like a lot of women deal with as well, is the fact that like you know, having miscarriages is pretty common, and nobody talks about that either. Also highlighting the fact that like a miscarriage is not the worst thing that ever happened to me, because uh I was in a really bad place at the time and a miscarriage probably paid ha probably saved my life. So it's kinda hard to talk to people about it too, sometimes because they're usually like sad and they wanna sympathize with you and whatever, and you know it's good to have that that part, but like miscarrying for me was not the worst thing that could have ever happened. It was one of the best. Um, and I was kind of glad that it happened. Now, thinking back, I would have ooh, how old must my kid have been? My kid would have been like twenty now. And that's insane to me to think, 'cause at 37, which is just is crazy. And like I would have survived, you know, the kid and I would have been homies, would have been still still would have been taken care of the best to my abilities and of the one around me. I don't I'm lucky enough not to be isolated and not to like be alone in my life. Even when I was single, you know, I still had a huge group of friends and a huge group of family that would always take care of me. Like I've always been blessed to have a great support system and you know, would have made it work. But I don't know. It's just kind of a weird, kind of a bummer situation that we went through, and I didn't talk to like a ton of people about it because like having someone check in with you like every other day about something that like might be disappointing, it's kind of suck, even though you know they just want to be involved and they want to support you, but it's like, well, still didn't happen, you know. Um, in the same way that probably when we start trying we're not gonna tell anybody unless, you know, until we know for sure that like things are going well and you know the danger has passed. Like, you know, it's kind of touch and go to tell people in the first three or so months of the pregnancy, like, oh yeah, I'm pregnant. Because uh miscarriages are pretty common in general, let along with someone who's older and all that jazz. So if anyone that is listening has ever dealt with any of this, I'm with you. It is a weird club that we have to be in or that we get to be in, and I don't think you understand until you understand, you know, I've had a few of my friends now, and you know, we're in our thirties or whatnot, forties, but I've had a few friends now that have lost parents, and that's a really strange sensation to think about. Um, you know, my parents are relatively healthy and on the younger side, but it's really anytime that something happens with one of my friends' parents or something, I really have to like re-examine my life, be like, okay, let me make sure that I'm doing everything that I need to do and spending time with people I need to spend time with, because you know, s someday it's not gonna be there anymore. I feel like it's just such a weird thing, because I still feel like I'm in my twenties. I'm definitely not, but not a lot has changed. You know, I'm a little bit more financially responsible and independent and whatever, whatever, but generally, I still like the same things, I still act the same ways. It's just like as you get older the problems get heavier. You don't mean them to and you don't want them to, but like, you know, I've had my whole friend group, we've had divorces and we've had the sadness and we've had loss and you know, like parents dying, and it's yeah, I get it's life, but you know, it's different when it's happening to you or the people that you care about. It's super easy when you're standing outside of it and everything's going well to be like, it's fine, this scared just happened, parents die, la la la. But you know, like when it's in your orbit so close to you, you really gotta think about it. Like I was saying, I didn't really tell a ton of people about it because I just wasn't sure that it was gonna work out anyway. And unfortunately I was right. But everyone I have kind of been open about it with has been pretty like supportive. I don't know why they would be anything else. But I don't know. It was kind of a weird, sad experience. And I'm glad that we tried, at the very least, you know, to try and do it the way that we wanted to. And you know, my husband is good at bringing that into perspective for me because it's like since I was the one who was being probed and prodded every day, like my attitude about it was a little bit different. You know, I made that pretty clear going throughout. So I don't know. You know, life, life, life is life is lifing. And I've also am like pretty secure in knowing that like even when things are shitty, like the shittiest they've ever been, and like you just feel like the barrel can't go any deeper. Like, my mantra in life has always been, you know, a week from now, you're gonna feel differently. For better, for worse, you're gonna feel differently. You know, I've gotten through breakups that way, or I've gotten through heartaches or sadness or unemployment or whatever was going on with me. You know, I've kind of that's always been my mantra to just kind of look forward and be like, alright, eventually this is gonna be done. You know, I'll have moved on. I mean, I have notes even from last week that I didn't get to talk about that I read I read this week, and I'm like, alright, I'm not like annoyed about this thing anymore. I'm not pissed off, I'm not, you know, this thing doesn't make me happy at this point, and like I'm in a totally different place this week. So, you know, every every day of life is different. And uh, you know, it might seem all dark and dreary. Again, I'm just not like feeling a lot of things today, so like sorry for the the downturn on this one. But um, you know, I don't know, things things eventually feel better. And like I know that the kid that we're supposed to have by whatever means necessary is gonna find us somehow or another, whether we adopt him or her or them, uh, whether you know we have them naturally, like we if ideally we can do both. But you know, the the kid that we're meant to raise will be in our orbit when it's time. Um, because I do believe that we are meant to be parents in whatever way that we l we can. Because you know, we've got a lot of goodness to to spread, and one thing I was always worried about and uh my cousin and I always used to talk about this you know the world is a crazy place and it doesn't seem to be getting any better and we were just like why why would we bring any kid into this who didn't ask for it and I still think about that sometimes you know like our environment is going to shit and our politics are a mess and people are worse and worse to people every day but then again we also need people who are you know the helpers of the world that are willing to be kind and willing to find um solutions to problems and are willing to learn and research and be educated and to make things better so I owe that at least to my future self that that is the one main push for having kids someday to try and help the future. You know I'm not like thinking I'm some huge savior or anything. I just think you know if there's another kind of person in the world like who's gonna be worse off for that. Um you know not to guarantee that I can make my kids any certain way but you know you nurture virtuo you show them how to care and how to love and you try and correct them however you can and hopefully you have a little good people that are running around. Plus my kids will be so weird. I can't wait. I can't wait to see what weird little little goblin that we create or raise or whatever. So sorry for the downturn guys I say that again but sometimes you're just not you're just not feeling it. Sometimes you're just not in the way to like feign energy or interest or whatever but one thing for sure two things for certain I can always complain. It's my favorite thing to do is how I how I connect with some of my friends. You know we just we just let it all out like can I be petty for a minute is the beginning of like every phrase that I love. Um you know some things are just silly and whatever but some things are heavy and awful so somehow some way all of the darkness in everyone's life whether it be disadministration or sadness or getting over something or getting used to a new set of expectations or adjusting to life after you've lost somebody you know like one way or another you're gonna you're gonna heal and some things are always gonna hurt and some things will always be broken but you know you learn how to you learn how to walk with your broken leg. You know I torn my ACL in 2012 16 17 whatever and I have been struggling since then I had a surgery I had PT I did the whole thing but like my knee will never be the same. You know I still feel the pain I still feel it in different ways and whatever whatever but I live with it I mean I didn't even know I'd torn my ACL for months um because I'm just I have a high pain tolerance and I was just like oh it's just another day like I'm in chronic pain every day. I have friends that have fibromyalgia that are suffering more than I do but like you know that's we have to do what we have to do. It's either you survive the way you can or you give up those are your two options. You know you stop living your life whether physically or figuratively I guess or you know you figure out how to keep moving forward and that's been something that I've always done whether I wanted to or not kicking and screaming you know I move forward somehow, some way I make the best of what I can most days. And then there's some days that I just like want to hide in a hole or some days that I just have no energy and I don't want to do anything about it and I just want to like stare at the ceiling for a while. And that's okay. Sometimes you gotta do that. This episode is uh I guess the the moral of the story is giving yourself permission to just like feel like shit sometimes and for no reason you know I don't have a good reason today to feel like shit. I just I'm really low energy the weather sucks I don't really want to go to work tomorrow I'm glad I have a job to go to like I can list a whole list of gratitude things that are wonderful but like right now just I don't want to do anything. I just want to like chill want to watch a movie wanna zone out. I want to turn my brain off for a while. So you know if you needed the permission friends to uh just just exist today you're welcome now you have it eat a nice little snack eat something you like drink a nice cold drink do something do something good for yourself today but you know also just uh feel shitty if you want to feel shitty shorter episode today hopefully next week's a little bit more interesting or bouncy or cheerful or positive or whatever but as the title says it's odds and ends sometimes I'm gonna have a plan and sometimes I'm not you know you can make a plan as much as you want isn't this the truth of life you can make a plan you can make it all pretty but you can't do anything about it. As the great house cast says you can plan a pretty picnic but you can't predict the weather yeah so everybody sing Miss Jackson for yourself now. If I could play it without getting copyrighted I would um so just imagine well thanks guys thanks always for being here for for better or for worse for rambling or for not if there's one thing you can expect always is that I'm gonna I'm gonna wander my uh my my topics are gonna go all over the place and I told you that from day one so if you know me and if you don't now you know but I hope that you guys have a wonderful week I'll see you next week at some point at some time uh for some subject that I haven't decided yet so thanks for being here guys