Bunnies and Body Image

This week, I explore transitions in life, grief from losing pets, and grappling with body image issues. 

Main topics: 

• Balancing your own thoughts and feelings with other people's expectations
• Handling unexpected grief after a pet passes
• Going outside your comfort zone 
• Sitting in discomfort

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

SPEAKER_00 0:28

Hi guys, welcome back to this thing, this thing that we're doing here. I would like to think that as a helpful side benefit of doing this for myself, that I am going to develop a little bit more self-belief, self-confidence, uh, a little more grace for myself, as I expect other people to do, and I always like champion other people to do. It's so much easier to dull out all of your advice and speak all the wise wisdom like a little owl that you are, but not take it for yourself. I think every week, I mean, going back to the very beginning of the theme of imposter syndrome, you know, every week I sit here and I psych myself out and I'm like, uh, does anybody like really care about this podcast? Is this something I really need to be doing? Um, I'm not fishing for compliments, by the way. I'm just like talking because I know this is what I know how to do. Every week I'm just like, well, what if I don't have enough knowledge? And what if I'm not, you know, ready with my stats, or what if I don't have a theme that really like goes all the way through? Like, how is this going to be polished and professional? And then I remember I don't care. Like, that isn't the point of this. This is just the point to talk and get the things out of my brain that need to be there and hope that someone can relate to whatever it is that falls out of my brain. I think I'm going to talk about task avoidance just for the beginning. I don't want to like be too heavy and too clinical into all of the symptoms of ADHD and all of the what's and whys and hows, but I'm more interested in bringing it up in the way that it comes up in my life, because I'm sure that the people who also share this will be like, oh shit, I do that too. You know, the task avoidance of every week, I giggle. I giggle, giggle, giggle at the fact that I'm back in this room next to a pile of laundry. This time that's bigger than ever. Like I can't even see over the top of it because we have like quilts and towels and all that jazz that I'm going to tackle after I do this. Sundays for me always used to be like crunch time for papers when I was in school not that long ago. Just because I didn't want to do them. I just had no interest. And I think that one of the things that I really struggle with, a lot of people with ADHD struggle with, is like not being able to explain to other people like just how hard it is to do the things that are easy for everyone else. Like that's not to make an excuse. It's just like our brains put up so many walls against the things that we're not interested in. Or that seem hard, or that like, you know, we might fail at, or they won't work out the way that we want them to, or you know, like the self-fulfilling prophecy of worrying every week about putting out content that like is gonna soar and it's gonna change lives, and like that's not what I'm doing this for. Like, I decided to do this to get some things out of my brain and to package some thoughts that might help other people and you know to reach out to people. I also really like the idea of like the family members that I don't see a lot when they get to listen or they choose to listen, that they can kind of like be caught up on the actual ins and outs of my life. Like, you know, you live your life on Facebook and Instagram and all that crap. As I'm getting older, I think I'm finding less of a reason to like post everything. I still do post things because I always take pictures. I've always been interested in pictures. Like I like to print them, I like to keep them in a book, I like to scrapbook, I put them on my wall. Uh, because I like that physical piece of everything, you know. I'm explained before, I'm like deeply distrustful of digital media. So, you know, someday everything is gonna crash and all the pictures are gonna be gone, then I'm gonna still have them. Like I discovered that when uh Gypsy died, my bunny, from I don't know, 2017 to 2023, I think. Uh, when she died, I had all like just pictures and pictures and pictures, but for so many years, I had just been dumping them on my phone and eventually like putting them onto the computer and then putting them to a hard drive where all my pictures live. But I couldn't find them when I went to go look at them and say, Oh my god, my baby. I couldn't find her. She was like lost in the ether somewhere, and like I know that those pictures are on my high hard drive, like they're they're safe and secure somewhere, but you know, they just weren't in my hands because I hadn't printed them all because you never think about it. You think you have all this time with people, you think you have all this endless time with your pets. You know, it's really cliche to be like, oh, they they spend their entire lives with you, but they do. You just don't think about it. We had an older bunny, Miko, who we when we got him, he was like, he was a little rough. He was he'd been passed from house to house to house. He had uh he had partners, bonded partners that he had been with in other houses, but then they died, and he went through at least two bonded partners. So when I was trying to find a friend for gypsy, uh the rescue brought over a phone a few bunnies, and she was just like, Okay, well, I think these would be the best temperament for her. There were two little dwarf bunnies that were jerks, and they were like attacking her, and she was like, No, I'm not doing this. And then Miko was just sitting in the corner eating hay napping, and she was like, I guess he's like the least detestable. So we decided to foster him to own for a while. Um, he was stinky, he was like a little barn bunny, and he had this like really hard piece on his back, and we're like, is that just like your skin? What the hell is that? And that went on for like a year, and then one day, I don't know why we decided to like really get in there and like I don't know, you're not supposed to like wet rabbits, by the way, if you don't know that, because they can get hypothermia really easily and die. You don't want that. So, you know, they're self-cleaning like cats, they can take care of themselves, but he needed some help, so we decided to really get in there with some soap and water, like on a wash rag, and then we were trying to brush it all out. We realized that that was just like years of matted hair on his butt, which sucked because he was like a mess. So we got that all taken care of. Awesome. He's clean now, he's looking good, he's so cute, a cutie boy. Uh, they hated each other. Well, Gypsy hated him, I guess. So these bunnies lived side by side for a year, and they had we had to let them out in like shifts, because if we let them out together, they would fight. And I think one of the last draws that I had was when Gypsy like bit Miko's nose and he bled, and I just felt so bad. That was like one of the most stressful periods in my life for a while there because I just felt so bad. I was like, you know, I brought Gypsy into this house and she's lived here, and they told me in the beginning she's gotta be a solo bunny. She's like not the temperament to be with someone else, and like, you know, it's felt. I I get it. She's for me. So we were here for, you know, 10 odd years together, and then uh my husband and Miko came along about the same time, honestly. I got Miko pretty soon after Noah was here, like on a consistent basis, and uh she just like could not adapt. She was just like peeing all over the place and fighting him, and she would go up to his cage and just like antagonize him, and he was obsessed with her. He just wanted to be close to her, so he would hop over to her cage and just stare at her and be like, Oh, she's so pretty. And then she'd come at hit him in the face, and then he'd run away. And he was much bigger than her, so they fought all the time. Anyway, long and short, Gypsy got sick, like out of nowhere, which had happened to her twice before. It was like anytime I went on a big trip, she decided that that was her time to throw a whole fit and make me spend like thousands of dollars at the vet and have to worry about do I put her to sleep? Is there something I can do? Do I do an expensive surgery I can't afford? Like, what the fuck am I supposed to do? So she's always pulled through every other time. But this particular time I wasn't home to see when the symptoms started, and by the time I saw it, it was too late. So she had like an obstruction in her gut, which is like deadly for rabbits, because you after it's there, so it's pretty rare that they're gonna get it out. She was hiding in a corner and she was acting really weird, and I called the emergency vet and it was a whole thing. I put her in the car, and she was just like in the cage, you know, and I hadn't given her a treat that morning, like I do every morning before I leave because I was running late. So I always went downstairs, I filled my water, I gave them both a treat, and then I went to work. So I hadn't given her a treat that day. And so I took her to the vet and she was just like hunched over. She was closed her eyes, she looked so still. I thought she had died already. But I was just like, you know, ooh, I'm gonna get sad. In the car, I was like coaching her, just like, please, you you can't, please don't do this to me. I'm like, listen, girl, you and I have been, it's me and you against the world for like the last decade. You have been through everything with me. She was with me through COVID. Like I've lived alone for a long time and it didn't really affect me. Like, you know, obviously it was like lonely sometimes, but I really enjoyed my space. Um, but during COVID, I couldn't go anywhere, you know, nobody could. And it was just me and her. And I was like, my god, if you weren't here, I don't even know what I would have done. Because she's crazy and she was really entertaining. So, you know, she had been there and she had been there with boys and losing jobs and sadness and people dying and just like all of the things, and she she grew with me, she transformed with me. When I first got her, she had such a chip on her shoulder because she was astray, she had been out in the world by herself for a long time. Um, like domestic rabbits don't survive often in the wild by themselves because they don't know how to protect themselves, they don't really have anything to protect themselves. You know, they have like nails, but they're not like wolverine nails or anything. She was bright white. If she stands on the grass, you know, you're gonna see her from a mile away. She was out there fighting for her life. She was in these streets, just doing the things, and she had a big attitude, and everybody was like, oh, she's so mean. I'm like, yeah, well, she survived some things, she's seen some things. We don't know, you can't she can't tell you. So it took a long time of like trying to get her to trust me, sitting on the floor and going really slow, feeding her, whatever. And you know, she was never at the point where they could like carry her around and just carry on. Also, rabbits don't like to be picked up for the most part. But, you know, eventually broke down her walls and she would allow herself to be pet in the beginning for like a minute, maybe a few seconds, a few strokes, and she'd be like, Stop touching me, I'm over this. But eventually, you know, thanks to the help of my cousin as well when he moved in, he would lay with her every night and pet her for like 20 minutes. And she would just when he would come upstairs, she'd sit there right in his path to be like, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, you gotta pay the toll, you gotta pet me now. And she just like grew to love it after a while. So wonderful. She grew with me, you know, she she evolved, she matured. She was just my homie. She was uh, she's very I mean jumpy, I guess is the word, but she had a lot of like go in her for a long time, and she could jump on the couch. So I would like nap and she'd be running around crazy, and I would wake up with her little nose on my face, like, hey mom, it's time to wake up, I'm hungry. So she would just sit there or she'd jump on me. She'd crawl all over me. She would just like again, you go to touch her, she'd gone. But she liked to touch me. You know, you get used to this. This is this was my baby. It was just her and I. You know, everything that happened when I always felt alone, she was always there. She was always there judging me with her loud ass face. She was there to to pout and be a sassy. And I was like, all right. But I always feel like she knew when I was sad. Because if I was sad or sick, she'd be like on top of me. When I got COVID for the first time, she just wanted to be near me. I'm like, oh no, you gotta go. I can't, I don't want to get you sick. Um, because we weren't sure, you know, if it would transfer or not. Also, I got COVID four times, I think I said that. So, you know, she was around for most of it. We got Miko and their relationship was weird. They tried to get along, but they really didn't. I did take Gypsy to the emergency bed at that time, and then I was a wreck. I like I don't think I understood how deeply I could love a pet until it was like time to deal with what we do now. Because, you know, when you have uh an adult that you love that much, whether they're sick or whether they're old or whatever, like it's kind of not up to you how to do things because like euthanasia is not really a choice you can make for a human, and it's also like not a thing, except for like physicians as a suicide and they really don't do that very many places. So, you know, you have to make that call, and then you're wondering the whole time, is this the right call? Did I end your life too soon? Are you in pain? If I keep you alive, like is this gonna be worse for you? Like, am I being selfish because I don't want to let you go? I just don't know. And I think that I hadn't quite respected how deep that vein can go until it happened to me, because I didn't really have a lot of pets I was close to up until that point. So, you know, when like people's pets died, I'm like, okay, it's sad. Like, okay, now what? And then it happened to me, and I had to grieve for a really long time because she was my homegirl. And I think what that kind of represented to me, I'm still trying not to cry. What that represented to me was like a dying of that part of my life, and not even a like in a bad way, I guess, just like such a transition and such a I don't know, such a passing of time. Like I had been single and alone and with a chip on my shoulder and just like back up against the world for so long, and it was just her and I. And then, you know, like these boys came around and were like, ugh, I don't know, I don't know. And it was, you know, it took time to adjust. Like, I hate, I don't hate it. I feel like it's a little cringy sometimes to just like chit-chat and go on and on and on about like how my husband's wonderful and blah, blah, blah. Like, don't get me wrong, we had a lot of stuff to work through, like two very independent people coming together and trying to like learn how to live together and learn how to incorporate each other and learn how to like every time we fought, be like, I'm leaving, like, this is the easiest thing. Uh, fun fact, he did call me on that bluff once upon a time. There was a, I don't know what we were fighting about, I don't even remember anymore. But one of my main defenses, well, if you don't like it, if you can't do XYZ, if you can't trust me, if you can't whatever, you feel like you can't do the things, then leave. Like, there's the door, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna play this game with you. And he was like, Okay, I'll go get my stuff. And I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Sit down. Sit down. I didn't think you would do it. Wait, sit down. So, you know, I had to I had to relearn my life a little bit to incorporate another person. But like, I also worried before I met him that I was never going to want to be around another person for that long because I just didn't enjoy it. Like the sensory pieces of having another person in your space and like having messes that aren't yours and having to like, if I want to make a big decision, I've got to like talk about it now, you know, whatever. And that still hasn't been a thing to this day. Like, if we wanted to do something, the other person was like, Oh, okay, cool. Like, how do we do it? How can we make this happen? Um, and we've just been, you know, we've been teammates in a lot of the stuff like that. It's not a perfect system. I don't think any marriage is perfect. You know, we've got had a lot of bumps here and there, and just in a, I don't know, in a weird way, we got married and we came back from our honeymoon, and just like everything that could happen to us happened to us. And, you know, I'm not gonna like go through all of it here, but like if you know, you know. It's just been a roller coaster since we've gotten back. Like, just you know, trial by fire. Like, we're fine, you know, we're still walking through the fire, we're still going through a lot of these challenges, but like most of them are behind us and we came through it. I don't know how I got here from gypsy adjustment. So her dying and kind of passing that torch on to having just another animal who wasn't her in the house. I had to deal with like it's not resentment, but I don't know what the word is it it is for like coming home and seeing him. Like, he was weird for like a day after she was gone. After that, he was just like so free and so relaxed because he didn't have to worry about this bully in the house. And I was like, Well, it was her house first. Like, she lived here, she claimed this territory over 10 years, you just got here, like you know, and there were times that I'd be like, wasn't it supposed to be you first? Like, you're 104 years old, like you're an old man, you all you do is sleep. Like, shouldn't it have been you? And I felt so terrible about that. It's like it's not his fault. I wouldn't have wanted him to die over her, I just didn't want her to go. I just didn't want to lose my baby. So it was a kind of a weird adjustment to get used to like only having one animal again and just like cleaning one cage and whatever, but like we only had him for a year and a half, I don't know what it was, before he like really started to go downhill. You know, it was an adjustment to kind of get used to it again. And Miko was just the sweetest boy ever. He just wanted to cuddle, he just loved snacks, he loved to eat, he loved to sleep. There was nothing wrong with him aside from the fact that he was old and he would like pee everywhere. But you know, eventually he kind of got that under control and then he got sick or whatever. So when we got him, he was already like eight. Rabbits can live like 10 to 12 years, so he was already kind of like nearing the end of his timeline. But you know, he was just kind of slow and he was just messy and whatever, and we're like, all right, well, if this is what we have to deal with, okay, that's we can deal with it. Somewhere along the line, it was uh it was October. It was October of whatever year it was. It was like right before my birthday party that I hold for myself every year. We were sitting on the floor and Miko was running through the tunnel, run, run, run, yay, yay, yay! I'm having a good time. And then he like fell. He just fell to the side and he like freaked out. He was like twitching all over the place, he like pooped everywhere. And this had happened one time before when we were in Nashville, but my cousin was watching them, so I was like, oh, he's fine, whatever, he's fine, it's cool. But I saw it, I you know, when I was able to see it, I was like, oh shit, is there what's going on here? I didn't think about it very much, and then the next day he just like couldn't stand up. He just kept falling over. I was like, well, shit. And this was like not too long after Gypsy had died. Gypsy died in April, March or April, and this was October. I was like, oh man, what are we gonna do? So I took him to the vet, and it was like the whole day. It's again the day of my birthday party that we're like running around trying to get food together, we're trying to get costume because my birthday is by Halloween, so we always have a costume party, like trying to scramble, scramble, scramble to get all this stuff done. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, like Miko is done. We took him to the vet, they kept him there like all day long, and they're like, Well, it could either be nothing or it could be like deadly. Like, okay, which one is it? They're like, we don't know. So there's um like a parasite that can live in a rabbit's brain and they can develop it at birth. I believe it's called uh, I don't know when it's called. I don't want to mispronounce it because it's gonna sound bad if I do. They're gonna be a parasite that they can be like their mom can pass down and they won't show any effects of it until later, but then it can cause a head tilt, and um like a head tilt will just like fuck with their balance and they'll be falling all over the place, and you know, they won't be able to like clean themselves as well and whatever. So that wasn't it. He didn't have that. Um, but he was just like developing arthritis really badly and really suddenly. So I think at that point they had given us some very expensive medicine that we could give him, and homie was not a fan, he was not a fan of being held down to give him this medicine. Gypsy hated it even more, but man, I thought Miko was chill. He was chill until I had to give him medicine, and then he was like feral. We had to give him this medicine, and he seemed better for a little while. And then come July, like Noah was in California for his birthday, and I was at my mom's house, and Miko was in the room with me, and he, for whatever reason, could not make it in and out of the cage, and that had never been a problem before. So he would just get stuck, and then he would just like pee and poop all over himself, or he'd get stuck on the floor, pee and poop all over himself. Couldn't get to his water and his hay. If they don't have water and hay, their guts can't move, they get a blockage, they die. So he had like come out and he was just a mess. He like had peed all over the carpet and he's usually pretty good about that. And we're like, what the heck is going on here? So we had to try and like figure out how to help him, how to fix him, whatever. So my mom and I like gave him a bath. We like called all up in there because he was just covered in pee and poop, and that can like really get into their skin and cause some problems. So we were trying to deal with that. And I went home. And after that, it just seemed like everything went downhill pretty quick. So he just like stopped being able to walk gradually. We were giving him like the medication, everything. We took him into the doctor at some point, and they're like, Well, he's lived longer than he should have, essentially. So, like, he could live for a long time, but well, like, I don't know what his quality of life will be. I don't know. So at that point, I had already like started to to beef myself up because I'm like, all right, we're gonna have to do this again. Okay. So we got him on medication and we had to, you know, kind of figure out what we wanted to do, and we waited and we let it go, and we like we gave him his medication every day, and there were some days that he was fine-ish that he could get up and run around, and most days he couldn't. So he was just like, we would have to put him in one spot in his cage every night. It we would have to make sure that he had water and food within reaching distance because he would just be laying on his side all night in that position, and he wouldn't have been able to move for eight hours or whatever. So in the morning, we'd pick him up, you know, try and get him settled, and then he would go and hop away, and then he would fall again. And we're like, well, crap. So you had to like really be on top of what he was doing because if he was thirsty or hungry or whatever, he couldn't move. So this happened for I don't know, it just got worse and worse. And then we went to Chicago for the weekend, and my parents watched him, and they're like, This is this is it's enough now. And I think I kind of needed that push to decide. And this was like right before my bachelorette party. I think it was the week before my bachelorette party, and I was like, I don't want to go and like worry about this the whole time. And I was like, is that selfish of me for like just to want to end this if I can before it gets worse and like not have to call Noah every five minutes to be like, hey, is it cool? Are we good? Like doing take him to the doctor, like what's going on? So we had decided to make this choice, and I think we had trouble with it because my husband was more on the fence of like, well, he'll he'll die naturally eventually. And I'm like, oh, I don't know. I think he's gonna be here for a long time. As long as he can still eat, I think he'll hang on. He won't have a nice time, he won't be comfortable, but I think he'll he'll keep hanging on for a long time. So we eventually got there. I thought that losing gypsy like suddenly was like the worst thing that could have happened, and I don't know that making the choice to put me go down was any easier, truthfully. Because, you know, at least Gypsy went. I she was sick one day and gone the next, and it was awful and it was devastating, but I didn't have to do I didn't have to make the choice. I was faced with that choice one time before like the first time she had gotten really sick like this, but I got her to the bed on time, and you know, I was able to like follow their instructions and get her back in fighting shape and she was good to go. But with Miko, we just had to watch him decline slowly and slowly and slowly and just be like, okay, well, how many good days does he have to have before we can say, okay, well, his quality of life is fine enough, like it should be okay. But we also had to factor in the fact that we were going on our honeymoon to Europe for two weeks, like pretty soon after our hunt or after our wedding, and we would have had to leave him with someone who would have had to administer these medications every day to clean him up every day, to clean up his met his messes every day, to give him a bath, to do whatever, because he was like at daily to other daily baths. Uh we'd have to like put him in a little bucket and clean off his butt and his back and whatever, and then I'd have to sit there and blow dry him for two hours um to make sure that he, you know, didn't develop hypothermia on diet because he had enough problems. That was another factor that I was just like, I just don't, I can't in good conscience like give him to someone else, knowing that they're gonna have to do this and like no one's gonna take care of him the way that I would because they don't know how, or they don't, you know, they're just like not aware of how to do this. I didn't know how to do this. We were just kind of making it up as we went along. Um, so yeah, eventually we had to make the call that we had had enough, and it was awful. Like the night before, I was just like trying to love on him and trying to be around him, and like I just like couldn't get the thought out of my head, like you don't even know, but tomorrow you're gonna be dead, you're not even gonna be here, and it was just terrible, it was the worst thing ever. Like I tried to give him extra food and extra love and extra pets, and I was like trying to take pictures with him, but I couldn't stop crying. I was already a hot mess when we went to go in. You know, we went in and we had put him on a table. He was like sitting on the bench with us, and he would get a little shy, so he like tried to climb under my leg, and I was just petting him, so he was just like in my lap, and then they like brought in the sedative so he could chill out, and then he got real floppy and like didn't even seem like he was there anymore. But he was just in my arms the whole time. We held him and gave him all loves and all the things until they like gave him the big shot, and you know, they asked us, like, do you want to hold him until he's gone? And I was like, Oh hell no, no. I had already decided that I wasn't gonna be in the room for that and Noah was gonna stay with him. And I was like, Well, I can't I can't be here when he stops breathing. Luckily they asked us, you know, do you want me to take him so we can give him like you know, this the shot that'll stop his heart? And uh he was just like he's a little floppy boy, he was asleep, he was knocked out, he was like chilling, you know. He fell asleep in our arms, we were loving on him, it was great. And he had been in every month or so to have his ears cleaned out by these vet techs because like he had a lot of wax in his ears, and that was really like messing with his equilibrium. So these vet techs had been with him every month for the last six months, and they were just so wonderful. Um but they just like you know, told us that we had made the right decision and it's an impossible decision, and like that you know, if it had been easy, you know, that's like the sign of a good pet parent is struggling with this decision. But they just told him how good of a boy he was and that they loved him and all that jazz. So I'm a mess. My god, I wasn't planning on crying on the internet today. So anyway, he was surrounded by people who cared about him and did well. That was kind of that experience. I didn't even know how I got here. This is not what I planned on talking about today. That sucked. But I guess the moral of the story is to really enjoy the life that you have while you have it. Because you know, I mean the most cliche thing ever. You just don't know how long. And uh, you know, what kind of choices or what kind of options you'll have to spend time with people you love or your animals or whatever. I don't know. After Miko died and we put him down, you know, he never came home, whatever, whatever. We have both their ashes and put them on the same shelf in the same in, you know, their own urns. And I was like, ha ha ha, your neighbors again forever. You don't have a choice, you've gotta be friends now, suckers. So that brought me great joy. Um, but our house was really empty and sad after that, and we didn't have to worry about it like too much before our wedding because there was just so much stuff going on. But once we got home, or like right, no, it was like two or three weeks before, and or at my bachelorette party, I was like, I was feeling awful, and I had already started looking at bunnies because I was like, I can't. There has to be there always has to be a Stark in Winterfell, like I can't be in this house without like a little critter running around. I just can't, I can't stomach it. I can't do it. So for like the first two weeks, you just don't realize how ingrained your habits are when you're like looking over, looking over, looking over to see where your animal is and what they're doing, because my animals are naughty, so they're always up to up, they're always up to something. And uh, you know, you just don't realize how much you do that little check in the same way you probably do with a with a real child. You know, you look down and you're like, oh, what are you doing? Oh, you've got a block in your nose, that's not great. So, you know, you're always just having that check, and then you have, you know, this routine that you have. You get up in the morning, you feed them, you give them their treats, you give them their water, you feed whatever. So it's just like part of your routine and part of how you pass the time in your life. So to not have that and have to reset, it was very strange. And like leading up to the wedding, we had already kind of started talks of like getting a new pair because we knew we would. We had already talked about that while Miko was alive. Like, we thought about taking the rest of the year and just relaxing and like trying to reset and then January getting bunnies and being done with it. So I had already wanted a pair because the bonded bunnies, you know, they live longer, they take care of each other, they groom each other better, they have someone to hang out with. Like, it's just better. Also, have you seen a buddy cuddle with another bunny? It's the cutest fucking thing I've ever seen. So we had already been in talks of like adopting a new pair, and it was between two sets of brothers, and I had already fallen in love with the our boys that we got, and Noah was kind of leaning toward a different set, but then we found like when we went to go meet them, the other set of bunnies they were huge, they were like big boys, and the lady was telling us, Well, they are not so good at using the litter box, and I've been trying to get them trained forever, but they they pee everywhere. And I was like, Well, fuck, we just did this, I don't think we want to do that. So we got these dudes. These dudes are babies, they were our little dudes that we got were like a year and a half old and they had a lot, like had a lot of energy, and they're just so silly, and they're like a little bit smaller than our last bunnies because our last bunnies were big. We got them. We set our pickup for the Saturday we got back from our honeymoon because I was like falling into kind of a deep depression about it, and I was like, I just can't, this house with nothing in it, like I can't, and I'm so glad that we did it when we did, because like the Monday after we got back from our honeymoon is kind of when our our like world exploded. So I was really glad that we had made that choice when we did, because I really needed like something new to look forward to and like something to kind of focus my my hope and energy on because I was like, we were, I don't know, we were in the we were in the trenches just dealing with all the things that life had to bring for us. Both of our cars broke down, our heating wasn't working when we got home from Albania, like just one thing after another after another, like on its on their own, it's like, okay, that's an inconvenience, you know, we'll fix it, we'll move on. It was just like all of the things just like fell on us at once. It was just like, hey, welcome back from your wedding. Hope you had a good time. Have a good time now dealing with all of the other shit that's coming into you. I mean, something I've always prided myself on in my life is that I can persist, I guess. So persist, we did. We have come through a lot of the things, still working on some stuff, but you know, generally we're okay. And I'm so glad we have our bunnies because they're crazy and they're so sweet. I don't know, I just love them so much. Spoiler alert, they did pee all over our floor for all quite a while for when we first got them because they were marking their tour ter territory. So jokes on us that we didn't get those other ones because of that. But that that stopped after a while, I think. We do need to replace our carpets soon because they're bunnies and they like to dig, and our our carpet is like, I don't know, it's like grass, I guess. It's like it hides a lot of treats and things that they want to find, and it's like, oh, it's a great fun enrichment activity until they pull the carpet out and they make holes, and or they swallow carpet, which again, blockage possibility. They can kill themselves. Like, I can't, I can't. And one of them has a death wish. He likes uh he's been poisoning himself for the last few days to like chew on a lamp, uh, a lamp cord. Like, okay, please. I'm trying to keep you alive, you psycho, get it together. They're a trip. They are a trip. As usual, I have no idea how I got here from where I was gonna go, but we'll see if I can wrap that in and then we'll call it a day. Uh so what I was going to focus on today was I self-image, I guess. Self-image, self-confidence, self-whatever. Just as things have been kind of like unraveling in the last however long it's been, I've had to re-examine my actions in my life and like what things are worth my time, I guess. You know, as I sit here and do this podcast, like I said, I put off things a lot that I'm like worried that I'm gonna not be good at, or, you know, I just don't want to do them because they're not fun. Um, like this fucking pile of laundry that's been in my existence. I don't know. For whatever reason, this week in the last week, like my body image has been a pretty big thing in the center of my mind. And I'm gonna be real. I'm gonna be real, I know exactly why. And I like talked about this a few weeks ago and then I edited it out, but it's like still bothering me, so I guess I have to talk about it. You know, I work with a lot of people on the spectrum, and uh, one of the like main characteristics of people on the spectrum is that they have no filter. So I was with one of my people and I was talking about water consumption and how I just like once you drink ice cold water, you're like, fuck, this is so good. Why don't I drink this more? Like it's the easiest thing to do, it's so good for you. I was just marveling about it because they weren't talking much, and you know, it's just like filling the silence because I needed something to entertain myself. And they were like, Well, I had a really mean thought and I kept it in. And I'm like, okay. They're like, Yeah, I can't say it. I'm like, well, my friend, you already said it. I'm like, I'm only going to assume the worst about what it is that you're thinking. So, like, just this time, because you already brought it up, and now I'm curious, say what you were gonna say. So this person said, Well, you don't drink water because you're fat. I was like, Well, kudos to you for knowing you should have kept that in high five. Um, but now I'm sad. So thanks for that. Uh, you know, and it's just like, listen, we all know our body capabilities and we all know what people think of us and whatever. Like, I already knew what they were gonna say before they said it, but I just kind of I was curious, just curious to see what kind of insult they could like fling at me. And that was it. And this is not the first of my people to say this to me. And I'm like, you know, it's easy, it's easy pickings, and that's just like an observation that just comes out of your mouth because you know, I don't know, that's just like how you function in the world sometimes, and it sucks, but like, okay. So I don't know about I've just been beating myself up about this for like three weeks. And like the fact that this is something that I've struggled with my whole life, it has always been a sore topic of conversation. Like as I was growing up, I felt like, you know, I had the food police in my house. My parents were always like really locked into what I was eating, and like, okay, well, you're eating too much, and my blah blah. And anytime that would happen, I don't think I had like an eating disorder per se, but like maybe I did. I would stop eating for like a week or two. And it didn't happen often, like, but I don't know, it was just like out of spite. Like, okay, well, if you're gonna say something about my body, well, then fuck it, I won't, I won't eat. Don't worry about it. I won't even be here anymore. It's not a problem. So, you know, not a healthy way of dealing with things. And it's just like, you know, parents have the best of intentions to like keep you safe. My mom once explained it as like, if you saw your like niece or nephew running toward a fire, wouldn't you want to grab them? Like, wouldn't you do everything you could to like keep them from harm? And I'm like, yeah. And they're like, okay, well, you know, that's what's going on when we're bringing up your weight or whatever. And it's just like, listen, I know, obviously, that I could be healthier. Okay. I could. I could be. Clue. Uh, have been before. Like, you know, it's not an impossibility. I mean, who couldn't be healthier? Who couldn't benefit from making better choices on what they're putting in their bodies and what they're doing and how they're moving, whatever. But like, I don't know that it's anybody else's right to say anything to me about it. So that's something I've been kind of like grappling with this week. And the shitty part is that like looking back throughout my life, like when I oh man, I don't even know how old I was. I was 10 maybe. I got boobs early. I did. And they were not small. So, you know, like growing up, boys are trying to figure out how they're gonna talk to you, and it's either like they make fun of you or they're like enamored with you, and making fun of me was like more than more often than not what I got. So they would like point out, well, you're wearing a bra. Obviously, we can tell, so you just like shouldn't wear one, I guess. And I'm like, what the hell? How does how do those two things coordinate? So, like something I've always been pretty self-conscious about, but like I can't do anything about it. It's my body. This is this is how I was born, I guess. I don't know. But like looking back at like seventh grade when I first really like honed into people doing this, I remember there was a girl, and I she's never gonna listen to this because I don't know why she would. I don't even know where she's at, but her name is Elizabeth Fear now. I'm gonna call her out. She was like a taller person, she has a pretty similar body shape to me, honestly. And I was dating at the time like a popular kid, which was like a no-no for me, I guess. And it turned out that he was like using me to get back at his extra whatever. Shitty. Anyway, so she was like, Well, yeah, uh, we were talking about you and who you were, and like, oh, the bigger girl who's dating XYZ. And I'm like, what the fuck? I'm not I wasn't even that big when I was in seventh grade. Like you could see my collarbones. It was like a perfectly respectable size. I'm like built like a linebacker. Like my bones are always gonna be big. If I lost all the weight in the land and I was like the 120 pounds that the stupid charts say that I should be, which don't know, I would look so weird. Like I have a big structure. I really do. Like my bones are widely set. I've got big hips, I've got big shoulders, I've got a big back. Like, you know, I'm just built sturdy, I guess. So like looking back at pictures from me at seventh grade, I was like respectable. I was like, I don't know, I wasn't like slim, but I wasn't like huge. I don't know. It was just like looking back and having people shit on me then, like, what the fuck do you think I look like now? Jeez. You know, it just doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel good. And I have always balanced my life on like not caring what people think about me. But of course you do. Like you're all you're a human. You don't want people to like look at you and call you ugly or fat or whatever it is that they're calling you. And like, I don't like to measure my worth by dudes, but I've definitely heard before, you're too big, your boobs are too big, your butt's too big, you're too small, you're too fat, you're too whatever, you're not enough this, you're not enough that. Again, the theme of hating women because why not? What else would you do with your time? So, you know, just like being super just uncomfortable and never really being with someone that like made me feel good about myself. And like that's so fucking sad looking back at it and just like knowing that everyone I was with was just like, well, I would actually like you better if you were this other thing. And um, it's just, you know, it sucks. It sucks. But like, I'm gonna be cringe again. Like, part of the reason that I can kind of like get past these uncomfortable moments in my life is like knowing that my husband is like obsessed with me. Not in like a weird way, but like never in my life has he made me feel like I'm to this or to that or not enough this or not enough that. Like, he squeezes all my squeezy parts, he loves them. He's just like, oh, this is awesome. I like it. I like the way you look. Like, there's nothing wrong with this, it's great. And like, you know, if I want to get healthy, he'll support that and whatever. Like, but he's never told me you're too big, you're too small, you're whatever. Like, he's just like, I like it, and I'm the same way. It's the summertime, and you gotta start changing up your clothing because I live in hoodies. I love a hoodie. A hoodie has always been my comfort blanket. I can hide in a hoodie, can't really see my shape in a hoodie. I'm more comfortable in a hoodie, like, you know, sweatpants and a hoodie or jeans and a hoodie, whatever. Like my style really hasn't changed much since I've been, I don't know, like able to choose my own clothes. Um, so in the summertime, I gotta I gotta be exposed because I'm hot. You know, I'll wear shorts, but like I buy my shorts a few pairs too big or a few sizes too big, so I have space and they're not squeezing me and they're comfortable, and you know, like it's maybe not the most flattering look or whatever, but I'm just like, eh, I'm not gonna worry about that. I'm just gonna be comfortable. I have big thighs, I have varicose veins, I, you know, I won't shave my legs all the time, whatever, whatever. So just like all these tiny little things that you know people tell you are supposed to matter that nobody cares about. And like I tell people that all the time. Nobody cares about you. They're all thinking about themselves and what kind of things they're uncomfortable with. Like, you know, I bought my wedding dress and I made sure that I had uh a corset back because I knew that my weight fluctuates in and out, in and out, in and out all the time. And I didn't want to deal with the stress of going to zip up my dress on my wedding day and it not fitting and wanting to jump off a building. So I got a corset back, knowing that it would fit me. And it did. I was comfortable, it was so pretty, I felt so good in it, and like just knowing at leading up to the wedding that I was like, man, I want to get in better shape so I like the way I look and I don't look at these pictures and just like hate myself. And as it got closer to the wedding, I'm like, just whatever. You're gonna look the way that you look, and that's it. Like, I actively stopped like working out like a month or two leading up to the wedding just because like it was my birthday and the holidays were coming and whatever, whatever. And I was just like, you know what? Fuck it. I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna give in to this, like, get fit for the wedding bullshit. I'm gonna look how I look and that's gonna be it. I'm gonna like how I look or I'm not, and that's it. No one's gonna care. The only person who's really gonna be looking at all of these imperfections is me. And like, if you're looking at those imperfections, like, go fuck yourself. Oh, don't talk to me about it. I don't want to hear it. You know, like no one's gonna care, and no one's gonna judge me as harshly as I do myself. In the way in the same way that no one else is gonna judge you as harshly as you judge yourself unless you're like elevated and you're a monk and you just like don't care and you've reached enlightenment, which cool for you. Hi five. I have not. Uh, you know, I try to love myself the best that I can, but I just am trying to be more realistic about how I'm gonna feel and whatever. And like people always have something to say about how you look or what you're doing or what food you're eating or what you're putting in your body and la la la la. But you know, they don't also like make any note about what you are doing to like further help these things. Like, I was going to the gym for a while, and I was at a gym that I just I just wasn't going very often because like I didn't have anyone to go with. And then a friend of mine was like, here, switch over or come to my gym, and like, you know, we can do these things together. So I did that maybe a few months ago, and it's been so good. Like, I definitely haven't gone consistently the way I used to, but like consistently I mean in like going three or four times a week. Uh my cousin moved in in 2030, 23, maybe for a few months when he moved to Indianapolis. And I like my great joy in life was torturing him and making him go to the gym with me every day because then I got to watch him suffer while I suffered and it was great. But like when I have to do that by myself, it's not fun. There's no like joy from suffering without someone else to suffer with you. So we were going often, like we were going every day of the week for the most part, honestly. And I had lost like 50 pounds and I was feeling awesome and whatever, whatever, and it was feeling great. That was like the one, not the one time I've done it before, but like that was a pretty recent time that I was like really on top of what I was doing. But I was also hella depressed, like hella depressed. I just like that was the one thing that I could do that like didn't feel self-destructive or like put me back somehow. Cause you know, like I wasn't obsessive about it. I was just like being consistent. I was eating better, I was making better choices, and I like felt better about it. But I was hella depressed. I really was. And, you know, that was like the one thing that I could do to turn my brain off because I'm suffering. I'm suffering when I'm lifting weights, I'm doing all the things. I don't have time to think about anything else. Like, that's it. That's the only space I have in my brain. I started working out recently with my friend, and now we're, you know, we have a fitness class that we go to together every Tuesday. If we're home on the weekends, we try to go on a Friday or Saturday. Like we're getting back into a routine, and I feel better about that, which is good. So, like, I'm actively doing things to make myself more healthy. And like, of course, I obviously I could be making better choices. Who couldn't be making better choices? You know, we should be eating in more, should be packing my lunch and saving money, la la la. But like my job's kind of complicated for this, and like, you know, it's an excuse, and I know that that's fine. Uh, I drive all day long for my job from like 9 to 6 p.m. I'm picking people up, I'm driving from one place to the next, I'm picking people up, I'm driving from one place to the next all day, every day. And I just don't have a lot of time to like eat. So I squeeze in little things on the go, and so I eat out a lot. And I don't like that, it doesn't make me feel good, but like it's either that or I don't eat. And after a certain point of the day, I start to get headaches, I can't focus anymore, I have no go in me anymore, especially when it's hot outside. Like, I have to eat something, and you know, it's just like, oh, pack your lunch, it's so easy to do. Yeah, so is drinking water and doing your laundry and writing papers and not waiting to the last minute to do everything, but like it's hard. I just don't do it, and sometimes I do, but that is one thing I really struggle with and being consistent with, like prepping the night before, because my brain is so like indecisive when it comes to that. So I'll pack myself like this wonderful lunch, and the next day I'm like, I don't want that. That's like the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. I don't want that, and then I'll eat out anyway. Uh, I've had success in the past with like taking snacks, just like a variety of snacks to get me through the day to at least like get me to when I get home so I can make a good dinner and then like eat. But I usually eat like two meals a day. I should eat breakfast, I don't. I bought like a bunch of healthy snacks to keep around, chickpeas, blueberries, etc., etc. But like I have to pre-package those and I have to take them out. Like the ADHD tax is what they call it when we like prioritize convenience over anything else. So, like, for example, buying fruits and veggies that are like cut up already. People are like, well, you're wasting money. I'm like, well, if I bought it myself, I would have to prep it. I'd have to chop it, I'd have to do all the things. And while it's like super easy for you to say, it's not easy for me to do because I can't motivate myself to do it. And then if you wait too long, your veggies are rotting. You gotta throw them out. So the money that I could have saved doing something that's already cut up, I just wasted. And not only that, but it takes more decision away. Okay, this is cut for me already. I can grab this thing that's already in a cup and go. Versus, okay, I have to package this. It's in a bigger bag, I've got to put this in another bag and put it in another bag. Now I need toppings, now I need this, now I need that. Like, that's so many extra steps. Like, I've got a streamline, and like if you don't have ADHD, this like sounds so stupid. And it's just like, uh, why couldn't you just do this? Like, our brains don't work like that. If you have to do a multi-step process, like honestly, sometimes it just won't get done. I have trouble sometimes like motivating myself to get in the shower, but I love the heat and I love the steam. So once I get in, I don't want to get out, and then I have trouble getting out. Luckily, my shower does it for me because I will run out of hot water eventually. And I'm like, no, I'm okay, okay, okay, I'm out. I'm just getting started with tasks and seeing through tasks and making themselves easier for you. Anyway, back to what I was talking about. Uh, body image. So I did something today. Uh, my husband and I went shopping for swimsuits yesterday because I had like an idea of what I wanted to do. I've always had a certain kind of bathing suit. And so I was like, you know what? I think for my own sanity and for a challenge for myself, I'm gonna get a bathing suit that I'm like a little bit less comfortable in. And so I went to the store, tried one on, and I was like, I don't think so. So I got something very similar to what I've had before. It was on sale, it was whatever. And then I went online today to a store that I like to buy from because we went there in person, but they didn't have any swimsuits in person. So I checked it out online, I found the one that I thought I was I was thinking about, and I bought it. And so when it arrives, I feel like I'm really gonna struggle to like put it on and wear it. My husband's so excited about this bathing suit. He's like, Yeah, yeah, I was hoping you'd do that. So I got the bathing suit, and the next challenge is gonna be like wearing said bathing suit out in the world and just like being uncomfortable and sitting in it. Like, that is my challenge for myself. I teach this to people all day long, comfortable in discomfort. You have to. Sometimes you just got to, and so that's what I'm gonna do. Uh, that's my challenge to myself. Because, like, truthfully, you know, I tell this to people all the time, tell this to myself all the time. Who cares? Like, I wear crop tops and shorts all the time. I've had my parents tell me, your shorts are too short. Where's the rest of your shirt? And you know, it's just a traditional whatever because they're just like not used to people who have a little extra, you know, like putting it on display. And most of the time I just don't care. Like, I'm comfortable in this, like, sensory-wise, this is all I can handle today. Like, this is what makes me feel good. I whatever. I like the way I look, I like the way I feel. I don't care. I'm gonna encounter these people in public for five minutes. They're gonna think what they think, they're gonna move on. If they go home talk shit about me, I'm not gonna know. I don't care. Like, I might have talked shit about their face or something. Oh, I don't know. I'm not that nice of a person all the time either. But like, you know, I'm not gonna harp on it. I'm not gonna like find this person online and be like, ha ha, you wore silly shoes. You know, it's just like who cares? Well, it's real low stakes for other people to be uncomfortable to look at you like, okay, cool. Like, you might think that because I'm short, you might think that because I have curly hair that isn't sitting right today. You might think that because I have brown skin, you might think that because I'm a little bigger, you might think that because my husband is 6'2 and I'm five feet. Like, you might have any reason to look at me and judge me and not like whatever it is that I'm doing. And I'm gonna be real with you. How much does that affect my life? Not at all. Not at all. And part of the reason that I do this podcast and I give you, you know, these little life lessons is for myself, is to give them to myself. To say these things out loud and to remember the reasons why I am the way that I am, and the fact that like the opinions of other people don't do anything for me. The people who love me are going to reach out to me in ways that are productive. I'm going to the gym with my friend, and we're both going because we want to be healthier. You know, like I have friends that are like, you know, you're perfect, don't whatever, it's fine. You you do what you need to do, you do what makes you happy. We've all got our own shit. We've all got our shit to work through, we've all got our shit we can be doing better. I don't know. I just like get tired of feeling shitty because of what society expects from me, like knowing that I am making choices to make it better, and even when I wasn't, like, I just wasn't there. That wasn't what was my program at the time. Like, this is my body. I have to live in here. Anything that I do, these are my consequences to deal with or my benefits to deal with, you know. Like, I'm gonna have to take care of this body, I gotta live here forever. So, like, I don't think anybody else gets to make the calls on what's going on in here. That's that's our moral of the day, guys. Your body is your body, and you're gonna be stuck in it for the rest of your life, so you might as well like it. And don't let some person make some comment and then be sad about it for three weeks like I have been, because it doesn't matter. But now every time I go there, I make sure to uh wear something loose and I take water and I try to drink it more often because I don't want them to say anything else mean about me. Well, what you gonna do? If you've gotten this far, I appreciate you as usual. Sometimes our our road is bumpy, sometimes the podcast is bumpy, and every week I'm like, no one's gonna care. Like, again, I'm not searching for compliments, it's just like when I had a Twitter even. When I had a Twitter, I was like, who cares? Who cares about what I have to say? Like, what? Why? Why do I feel like I need to put something out here for people to respond to? I think at the end of the day, the point of this is to just like connect is to connect with people or to connect with myself even. This is a audio journal. I don't need to like spill my whole life to you guys, but like I don't know. I think some of these things are helpful. And like the fact that I'm 37 years old and I'm like I'm worried about my body image and what some person said about me and crying about my pets on the internet, you know. Like, oh, I'm messy. It's if you know me, this is not a surprise. So, you know, we're all a little messy, and I think that's the moral of the story. To the messy people we are just be that way because what else are you gonna do? I don't have any time or space in my brain to be any other way. It is what it is. I don't know in the in the spiritual version, like God made me this way, and that's it. I I am this way. I'm the particular brand of weirdo that I am because this is how I'm supposed to be. And I've connected with people on this. I've you know, I've helped students and I help my people, and I bring comfort to the people that I love because you know, I don't know. We just we can line up on the same things, and I'm not gonna smile and be happy all the time and tell you it's great to love your body all the time. I would love to love my body all the time, but I don't. I think that's to be said for everyone. Models feel that way. There's always something wrong. You know, it's just the society we live in to make us feel like shit about ourselves to keep us spending money and feeling bad about ourselves, and that sucks. I think the the moral of the story again is to appreciate what you have, whether it be your people, whether it be your pets, whether it be your mobility. Like I tore my ACL a few years ago and I couldn't walk properly for months, and at that time I thought I would never walk again. I'm a dancer, I was terrified I was never gonna dance again. I was I was terrified that I was gonna be trapped in that body forever, and my knee still hurts, but I can still do the things that I used to. I can walk, I can dance, I can do whatever, but you know, you take it for granted. Appreciate what you have, appreciate each other, take care of each other. Give someone a compliment today. Because, like, you never know who said something shitty to that person and like how sad or how mean they're being to themselves. Compliments are free. That is that is always something who feels nice. I have one friend in particular, when she hears this, she's gonna know who she is, my friend, that when she gets drunk, she gets even nicer than she is already. And you know, she's just a little, a little sunshine burst, and she's always so sweet to people, and she's you know, she'll find anything to compliment you on, and she'll just make you feel so important and so seen. And she's just the best. I've been very emotional on this podcast, so I'm gonna go before I cry about something again. But you know, guys, you know, you know the drill. It's been real.