Grief & All Her Friends

As the great Barbie asked... "have you guys ever thought about death?" Me either... I've done a little checking in with myself being surrounded by anticipatory grief lately and wanted to unravel a little bit of the loose thread in my head. 

Main themes:

• Aging parents
• Shifting lifestyle after loss
• Finding ways to carry on positive memories while giving grief space

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

SPEAKER_00 0:32

Hi guys, welcome back. It's that time again to get up to some shenanigans. Shenanigans with Sammy. That's what the shit's been called. Hmm. Too late to change it now. Part of having a podcast is like having to listen back to your voice for quality control on a regular basis is what I do because I don't hear myself directly when I listen. It sounds like someone else, so I can like dissociate it from it. But you realize once you listen to your voice talking, just ambling for an hour and some change every week, you realize all these filler words that you put in. And then once you start talking to people in person, you start to hear the um. And so anyway, you know, you just probably don't think about all of these things that you say every day until you really have to start analyzing your voice. It's funny because I know now what the sound waves look like of an um, and uh so yeah, because I'm watching them as I go, and it's like, oh, I'm gonna have to cut that out later. So yeah. Now I'm very hyper aware of it. In in a really cheery, vibey kind of way. Have you seen that's the Barbie movie? Let's start there. Have you seen the Barbie movie where they're like, yeah, having a disco do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. They're dancing, they're vibing, they're doing choreography, and she's like, Yeah, have you guys ever thought about death? Record scratch. That's where we're at today. In whatever random twist of fate, I guess it's just life. But at least two of the people that I work with have had parents either die or are dying, and it is very difficult to kind of navigate that situation because my job is to kind of help people to keep their behaviors level, to make sure that all of the areas of their life are being paid attention to and they're doing what they need to do, and they're functioning the way they need to, they're showing up for work, they're doing blah blah blah. Uh, that's really difficult when like all of your brain is all encompassed by this thing that's happening to you. So it's really difficult, I in my shoes, to figure out what to do to help them because there's no nice way and no super comforting way to be like, well, yeah, I think we all know how this ends. So yeah, I just buckle up, I guess. And you know, like the only advice that I've had to everyone always is to like be present in this moment and really soak up the time that you have. And I honestly, there's like not a lot of studies about grief in the neurodivergent population. And you wouldn't think that those two things are like you don't have to study them separately, but like neurodivergent people, we do things like totally different for the most part. So it's it's bothersome to me that there's no not a lot of research on it because I would really like some better ways to support my people, so I'm not just like, ah, I don't know. I'm sorry, I will be here for you after. Until then, I don't know. I guess we're here. I uh because you know, you have to adjust your life entirely. You know, a few weeks ago I was talking about the grief of losing an animal and having to redo my whole routine and like just the thought of that with your parents, especially if you're like a protected adult whose parent kind of like keeps the ships running on time, like that's a really big change that you're gonna have to deal with. And I don't think it's easy to get someone to comprehend what that's gonna look like until it actually happens. So, like, that is one thing that I'm really kind of like floundering on right now, trying to find resources and do everything I can and talk to like all of the people that support me at work to be like, what the hell am I supposed to do? And most of the time, the advice that I've heard is just like just be there, you know, just be there, let them know that you're there, be that constant. And I'm just like, that just doesn't feel like enough. I think that's probably to be said for like supporting friends or family or whatever. Like, sometimes all you can do is just be there. There's not a lot you can do to fix it, there's not a lot you can do to change the inevitable, and like sometimes people just don't want to talk about it, they don't want to come to terms with it, and that's totally understandable. But then I guess I would kind of compare it to like not knowing Gypsy was gonna die versus knowing that Miko was gonna be put down. Going into Gypsy getting sick, we didn't know. She was totally fine one day and totally not fine the next, so there was like no preparation time. Whereas Miko, we lost him gradually and we had to decide to put him down and whatever. So like I was taking more pictures, I was spending more time on the floor with him, I was trying to like be really active and just like really all up in the moment. So that way when we did finally put him down, I didn't have to think, well, I should have given him more love, I should have given him whatever. There's never gonna be enough time with anyone, with your animals, with your people, with things that you like. There's never gonna be enough time, but you can really embrace the time you do have and you know the the gift you were given of that time. And it's kind of hard to really nail that home or really drive that home for a person with neurodivergence, um, especially for someone who's lived this way for so long, um, that they just like really can't conceptualize what's coming next. And I mean, honestly, I probably couldn't either, but like, I don't rely on my parents to make my appointments and track my money and that kind of stuff. So, like, when my parents eventually leave this earth, which is gonna be like in a thousand years from now, parents, it'll affect me in the day-to-day and my emotions and my support group, but like financially my life won't change. I'll still have all my my ducks and my own rows and things. Um, you know, not having that safety net, though. If I really ever needed it, that won't be there anymore. So I think that that would probably be the biggest financial change for me. But it's something that you just don't think about. With a lot of my people, the main goal that we're looking for is to really drive home independence and as much independence as we can. Like, independence is not gonna look the same for everybody. Some people might need to live in a group home with 24-hour supervision. Some people might be able to live alone at home with a behavior specialist, like me, um, you know, checking in once a week. Like they're gonna need varying levels of support. But like right now in Indiana, specifically, I don't know about everywhere else, but like after the big bullshit bill, Medicaid changed and they started chopping, they started chopping things away. So a lot of people got kicked off Medicaid immediately, and then they had to go through the process and all the steps and all the nonsense of getting it turned back on because there was actually no valid reason for them to be kicked off of it. And you know, right now we're doing redeterminations to make sure, like the state is trying to make sure that the people that have Medicaid like really need it, but they make the paperwork impossible, they make it so hard. And anytime that you like turn in your paperwork, half the time they tell you, oh, okay, well, you actually need this other form as well, even though you sit down with them. Like, I've had so many like supportive people go to the social security office or the Medicaid office to be like, what do I need? Tell me everything now, and they do everything that they need and they go and turn it back in, and they're like, Ha ha, actually, there's like four other things you need to do. And meanwhile, we're just gonna turn off all your shit. It's a real fucking bummer because you know, a lot of my people are lucky enough to have people that can fight for them and that can like see that process through. But like, if you meet resistance as a neurodivergent person or an older person or someone who doesn't know which way to go with any of this stuff, more often than not, you probably are just like, it's too much work. It's too much, I'm confused, it's too much time. And then you just like let your benefits that you're totally entitled to without taking advantage of those things because that's what they're made for, rather than you know, having someone who can help you with the paperwork and figure out what the wordage needs to be and all that jazz, like it's just it's bullshit in the same way that like medical care. You know, I have a friend who's trying to get her ADHD diagnosis right now, even though we're like 99.9999999% correct or sure that she has it. Like, if you want to get medication for it and if you want treatment, etc., you have to have that diagnosis, but you have to have a doctor who is, I mean, ideally specialized in ADHD, so they can give you that diagnosis. When I got my diagnosis, I had to find a doctor online because I didn't have time to go anywhere else. So I had to find them through my insurance, someone who worked under my insurance, found that person. I did my assessment. That doctor had to send me to a psychiatrist who could who could prescribe me whatever it was that they thought that I should do, but they couldn't actually fill it. They could give me a recommendation that then I had to take to my PCP, and they had to decide, oh, maybe this medication isn't good for you, let's do this other one instead. And then once I got on it, when I was on stimulants, I had to come in every three months or so to do a drug test to show that I wasn't abusing my medication. Like half the time, people with ADHD don't even take their medication because we forget. So, you know, like the people who are abusing it are usually not us. But it's just like a whole song and dance. And luckily I had the wherewithal to do that. But if you don't, and you don't have the patience or the time or the resources to get a diagnosis or to get medical care, like the first few roadblocks you hit, maybe you'll pass. And then the next ones you'll just be like, fuck it. I I guess I'll just die. I don't know. So, you know, it's really, it's really jacked the systems that we have. And it just makes it really hard for older parents that I work with who know that once they go, like their kid is really gonna struggle. So that's what we're trying to kind of get all of our ducks in a row. But like, who knows from here to there what is gonna change and like what kind of services they're gonna need or what they're gonna lose, and it's just a whole mess. Uh the work that I do is very rewarding, but it is also very frustrating because our hands are tied a lot of the time. And it's kind of been this way the whole time I've been in behavioral health. Luckily, I don't have to deal with Medicaid and things like too directly, but the ripple effects come down through the pipeline because then my people are losing benefits and they can't get their snap. And yeah, anytime the government shuts down, like they're like, How am I gonna get groceries? I don't know what to do. So I have to keep like keeping on top of what resources are in my city, what kind of free worse resources we can turn to, what kind of food banks are around, what kind of emergency services do we have, you know? Like, you just have to stay on top of all these things in such a broken fucking system that should not be this way. On the tail end of that conversation, it all kind of started with that grief idea. And I've been thinking about this a lot for the last two or three weeks. And um, I was traveling again last week and I went home for the 4th of July. I got to spend it with my parents and my brothers and their kids, and it was awesome because we're all just so goofy together, and it's just like we have us, and then you multiply it by a few when they bring their kids around, and we're all just crazy pants, and it's it's one. I was busy this weekend, you know. I try to be consistent, but I'm also like trying to remember that this is like a passion project of mine, and like we get paid for doing this. So if there are weeks that I'm just like, I'm busy, I can't find the way to fit it in, it's not gonna happen. It's okay. You guys will get an episode when we get an episode, and that's that. I try to be fairly consistent. In the last two or three weeks, this grief kind of conversation keeps coming up after you know, kind of helping my people to navigate what's coming and to try and figure out what's going on. In my life, I have had two to three significant timeline shifts. The first being when I was I was 20. Reverse the clock. My sister-in-law, I met her when I was in seventh grade, and she had a brother who is two years older than me, I believe. And so once upon a time we met, we hit it off, and this this person was like my equal in life. We were very intellectually matched. I think that we kind of understood each other in a way that other people didn't, just having like a lot of expectations and a lot of um assumptions about what it was that we should do and what we should be like, and you know, he was like kind of antisocial, and I really kind of like I thrived off of that because I am not that social. Um, you know, I kind of like learned at that point that I could just like be in my own space with my own people, and we're just like doing our own things without any expectations, and you know, it's just like comfortable. That was like one of the first, I don't know to say an adult relationship that I like maintained or or discovered, but it was like a more mature friendship that I hadn't discovered yet. We were, you know, we were vibing, we were chilling on a different level. We were friends forever. This is my brother-in-law, I guess, if we're gonna be like legal about it, I suppose. We're going through life, we're growing up together, things are happening, and eventually he decided to enlist in the army. I didn't see this coming because I didn't know that particular side of him. So he told me that he took me out for my birthday, for birthday dinner, and told me this. And I was devastated. But I'm a sportive person, so I sucked it up and I was like, all right, if this is what you're gonna do, this is what you're gonna do. You know, we tried to spend all the time together that we could. I drove him to the recruitment office the day that he left. You know, we had a last dinner or last breakfast, whatever, with all his friends and yada yada yada. So away he went to basic in Georgia. We had always been like pretty written correspondence kind of people. Like back at this time, it was AOL. Yeah, we had instant messenger, so we would talk online all the time and just kind of check in and whatever. And then we would write emails to each other, so we were always pretty locked in. And then when he went away to basic, I had started, I gave him like a week's worth of letters, just like with all of the thoughts that I had had since he told me to that time. In a way, he went with my letters. So as he was in basic and everywhere he could be basically, we would write letters to each other back and forth, just kind of getting the the skinny on what was going on with him, and of course he can only tell me so much, and kind of what was going on with me. I was in my senior year of high school, I was dating his best friend, and eventually that uh that relationship kind of devolved and went really sideways. It was bad time. Um, so we were kind of navigating that and him trying to navigate like being both of our friends, meanwhile, like not exactly knowing all of the things that hadn't gone on between us because that relationship was like abusive. It was low-key abusive, and not uh in a that low-key of a way. So I was dealing with that at 18, and I think I've kind of mentioned some of that before. That's where that that little oops pregnancy happened, um, and following miscarriage, but you know, that's a story for a different day. So we were kind of trying to navigate that, and like he was trying to coach me from afar while also like being friends with this other person and also telling me so many ways that like our communication was terrible, and you know, whatever. Anyway, we had letters back and forth forever. We stayed connected always. As he was in the army, things were starting to get a little bit more negative, and he um he went to ranger school, he was an army ranger, he was deploying, he was coming back, he was deploying, coming back. He like did a few tours. Um and he was always fine. So I got to see him a few times when he came home, like between here and there. And you know, we always reconnected, and again, it was just like we were still growing at this time, and like I would I had almost turned 21 at that point because we were gonna go drinking together, and I was gonna get a tattoo with him, my first tattoo. Trying to think of what part of the story is relevant. So I had gone away to college at this point. I had graduated, I'd moved on, he sent me like flowers for my graduation um because he couldn't come. And I think I have one pressed in a book somewhere, you know, whatever. Away he goes, he was gone for my graduation. I went to college, and we were um at this point, he was able to call me. So I would get a lot of calls. We took on the phone all the time. Um, so he was staying up on whatever was going on with me. We were still emailing back and forth, trying to like, as I was getting my bearings, you know, trying to keep me abreast of what was happening and also to kind of give me some direction on like interacting with other people because I am not a very social person. And I lived on um, I lived in a co-ed dorm in my first year, and my roommate was like, I think she was just as antisocial as me, but there were times where she'd be like, let's open the door to our room. And I'm like, ugh, no, I don't want people looking at my stuff. I'm just trying to like exist in here. I don't want anybody staring at me watching the notebook. I'm busy. So, you know, it's just kind of like trying to get me from point A to point B and trying to encourage me to like really take advantage of this time because in my high school days of my senior year, you know, I had to deal with like being in this really heavy abusive relationship. And again, he didn't know all the details on that because I think it would have been a little bit different, uh, had he. Not nobody knew at the time, uh, except for like my really close friends. I told my mom years after the fact. So we were, you know, I was trying to like navigate all that. My senior year, I was really isolated, and I had had this pregnancy, and then I lost this pregnancy, and at that time, my whole entire life had just like flashed before my eyes. And, you know, my friend and I had always talked about like how much potential I had to go out into the world and do all these awesome things, and like someday, you know, I'll get to have these challenges and make these new experiences and la la la la la. So when I got pregnant, that all went up in smoke. And so I thought, again, later on, I found out that like my parents had a plan to kind of help me get through this, but I was not thinking about that. I was just like, I was checked out. I was thinking the worst of everything. I just didn't like didn't want to have anything to do with anything anymore. So when I had this miscarriage, I was able to get my life back on track. I re- you know, I was already accepted to the school I wanted to go to, and I got there, and yes, so you know, we're navigating all of these issues, and he's in basic and he's going here and he's going there, and we're just trying to like navigate the world together from afar. As he was in the army longer and longer, he was like getting a little disillusioned about how they kind of conducted themselves, and he got like uh, I believe he got recycled or failed to test or something out at some point, and he was getting discouraged, and like we weren't sure if he was gonna stay in anymore because there was talk of like, oh, I'm gonna stay in, I'm gonna re-enlist, I'm gonna do this and that. And at that point, we're all kind of hoping, like, okay, maybe he'll come home. Like, maybe, maybe they'll push him far enough that at the end of his four years he'll be done and he'll come home and you know, go to school and do whatever it is that he wants to do. Fate had other plans. He was back on base, um, and went out for a night with his friends, and their truck flooded. After an accident, and everyone survived in the car except for him. It was gruesome details that I read about on the internet. That was my mistake, because I had gotten the news from my family, um, and his mom and my sister-in-law and all that jazz. But I decided to go snooping myself, and I found some articles where it had happened, and I uh this I don't suggest looking for that because you know they just want to report the news and they're not thinking about the people who love these people that are reading the news when they're being really graphic about their details. So that was true. I didn't know what to do. My whole life like shifted. I think I mentioned this about like a positive thing before, you know, there was a before and after my husband, um, before I met him and like now. So there's an episode of This Is Us where they lose like a really prominent character and they're talking about how, you know, there was before William, and now there's after a William. And that really stuck out to me when I saw that episode, because there really was a before him and an after him, because he really shaped a lot of parts of my life and gave me a lot of support that I knew was there, but especially at the end when he was like getting disillusioned with the army and he was getting like more shitty and he had an attitude and like we were fighting a lot about a lot of stupid shit that didn't make any difference. And like I'm pretty sure before like the week before he died, we were fighting about I don't even know. I don't even know what it was, but the last conversation we had was not good. And um, while I was dating his friend, his friend was really jealous of him and the connection that we had, so he would force me not to answer the phone all the time. And if I did answer the phone, he'd get really upset. So after we broke up, I was like, you know what? There never again will I ignore a call or a text or whatever. Like, even if you're being a dick about it, like I'm still gonna call you out, but I'm gonna talk to you. Like we've lost some time while your best friend was feeling insecure, so like I'm not gonna do that anymore. So again, we hadn't thought about something stupid, and that was the last thing that I remember before getting that call. I was at my boyfriend at the Times House, and we had watched Across the Universe, like the day that it happened, or like after I heard the news. I don't know if you've seen Across the Universe, but there's a really sad uh military funeral in there with like this gorgeous gospel song in the background, and Jesus Christ, I lost my mind. I still cannot see that scene without getting hell sad. But you know, like I can remember that like it was yesterday, and it's been like 20 years, truthfully. Is it 20 years? Yeah, just about. Like the time passes so so fast. And again, like the grief it feels, I feel it just as much now as I did then, and it's muted, you know. I feel it in different ways, and I've been able to kind of move on with it after a while, but it's always still there, you know, there's memories all over the place and things that I hear and I seem like I have um, I was with one of my people the other day, and again, like my self-disclosure sometimes it sleeps out when I don't mean it to. And uh, like he loved Blink 182, and we heard a Blink 182 song on the radio, and I told my person, like, oh, you know, this was like one of my best friend's favorite bands, and every now and then just like these really old songs pop up on the radio, and I'm like, oh, you know, it's like a little visitation, and like definitely not just random that the DJ would decide to play this, but like anytime, you know, it's like a little, a little wink. You know, I hear the songs all the time, and sometimes I'll hear them when I'm having like a really shitty day or a really hard time, and that's just kind of comforting to me. I don't know if you've ever been to a military funeral, and I hope that you never have to. They're really they're very ceremonial and like you know, wonderful, but it's just it's a lot. So it was the middle of January, or the end of January, I should say, there was snowy, and I remember like all of the Rangers lining up the the way to the grave, and there was a 21-gun salute, and like with every shot, it was just like nailing the the nail onto the coffin. I mean, for lack of a better word, it was just like this is this is final, this is this is real. Uh still can't hear bagpipes without getting emotional sometimes. It's you know, it's a really beautiful thing, but it's also like a really memorable experience, and then you see that particular kind of funeral in a lot of movies and things, and it's just like you're back, like you never left, you're still there in the snow. You know, grief is a funky thing for many, many, many, many, many, many years. I would get really just like inexplicably upset for like a week before his anniversary in January and his birthday in August. Look at the calendar, my friends. August be coming. So it's always pretty heavy on my mind. One positive, I guess, in the last four years was that I started talking to my husband the week of his anniversary, and I think our first date was like three days after, and like the day of his anniversary. I remember talking to my friend and being like, Oh my god, usually I'm erect on this day. And today I didn't even think about it until the end of the day. And I like finally, for once ever don't feel upset. Like, I feel like I would have wanted to call him and tell him all about this guy and how wonderful he was, and la da da-da-da. And my friend was like, Well, yeah, that's what he would want for you. Like, that's good, that's finally, you know, something that should happen. So that kind of like revived, I guess. Like that kind of made that particular like death anniversary day a little less awful because it's like three days before my anniversary, so I can think about all of these things together. It's it kind of changes one way or another, but like either the week or two weeks before I used to get like visitations in the spiritual world of things. I don't know what you believe, and I like kind of don't it doesn't really matter. I'm also not really super sure where I fall in the grand scheme of spirituality and religion and what I really know to be true. And I also kind of don't care. I think that there's some variation of life after death. Because if there's not, I'm gonna be sad. Like, mostly for the chance to see the people that I've lost again. Like, that is my main driver, and like maybe that's not right or whatever, but just you know, and also to have like all the answers that I've had my whole life. And you know, if we get there and I find out that there's nothing because I'm dead and I just won't know, then whatever, there's no harm. There's no harm in thinking what I think. It happened pretty soon after he died that I had a dream about him and he like we were at dinner or something. I don't even know what was going on, but he like answered all of the questions that I had for him and like confirmed some things that I just like wasn't sure about, uh like our whole friendship, and just you know, I got closure on some things, and I'm like, you know what? This might just be my brain like filling in the gaps and trying to make it easier for me, but I'm gonna take it at face value and just gonna I'm just gonna use it as the support that I have. And there have been years that I've dreamed about him in a cemetery, and he'll he'll be there and he'll be looking at me, but he won't talk. There'll be other years that he's talked to me and like, hey, don't forget. Like my birthday's tomorrow. Like, don't forget about me. Um, last year my cousin stole my visitation. My cousin had never met him. No, that's not true. He did. He did when he was really young, but he wouldn't have remembered. My friend appeared in a dream to him to like check in on me and tell Kevin that he loved me and all that jazz. I'm like, what? Hey, that was mine. So, you know, those are the kind of things that like they kind of solidify that like there's there's just energy, and when your person leaves, like your energy is still is still here somewhere. Energy can't be destroyed, I think. It can be created, but not destroyed. So, you know, in some version or whatever, like he's still around. And I I take comfort in the little things that I see that remind me of him, and songs that we've heard and places we've been, and uh when he died, he had like had a will because he was in the military, so you know you kind of have to, and he had left me like a little bit of money. So with his money, I got my first tattoo, and it has like his initials in it. So the whole family got like a a clover and a seven, which was kind of their thing, and his initials. I didn't do that because it's not really my vibe. I had my own little tribute tattoo, and then on his 10-year anniversary, I found his writing in one of our letters, and I put that on my arm. So I have that, his writing on my left arm, and I just got married not that long ago. So he was there, he was there with me, helping to walk me down the aisle and all that jazz. You do what you can to hold on to the people that you love, and you know, whether there's a heaven or a hell or a reincarnation or a spiritual realm or limbo or whatever the hell, like it doesn't really matter, you know. I think we have to take comfort in the fact that we hold on to our people in the ways that matter. People see cardinals and think of the people they lost. And I think my one of my best friends who lost a few people in her life now, you know, she sees dragonflies and that kind of deal. Pennies, um, she associates with her dad saying hello. You know, there's no proper way to grieve. And God, I wish that there was a manual for us all to figure it out. I don't know, that's just been pretty heavy on my brain lately. And uh like not even for death entirely, but I have another friend who has cancer, but she's in remission right now. There was a year a few years ago where she was having a stem cell transplant, and she was in the hospital. She could only see one person a day, and I had a day. I had a day assigned. I'm a chicken. Sick people freak me out. It yeah, you know, it really brings you to mortality, and it's not even mortality of myself, like that is what it is, but like the mortality of the people that you love no longer being there and watching them suffer and whatever. Like, nobody wants to see that, but you have to be there for your people. So I remember that day I was like really, really putting it off because, like, again, I knew that she could only see one person in a day, and she had chosen me that day. So I had, you know, been assigned my time, and I was working, and I got off, and I was like, okay, well, do you need anything? And so she told me that she'd wanted some like yellow Gatorades, and that was it. So I went to the store and I made her a whole care package of like snacks and coloring books and crosswords and all this stuff, and I was compensating. I was compensating for however I was gonna show up because I just wasn't sure how I was gonna react when I got there to see her this like vibrant like warrior of a person who like will punch a person in the throat. And I wish I was joking, but I'm not uh, you know, she'll just she's she's all about it. She's just like a hundred percent all the time herself. She's just like, you know, this like marvel, and the thought of seeing her laid out in a bed with no energy and just like without the shine that she always has and this like vivaciousness, it was too much for me. And it was like the most selfish moment of my life. But I went. Um, so I went with my little care package and I gave it to her, and she just had like no energy, and you know, of course, as you would expect, and I couldn't handle it, I couldn't do it. Um, and I hadn't eaten, so I was like, Well, I'm gonna go to the food court real quick. I'm gonna go get food, I'll be back. So I had to like go on this whole adventure to find food and bring it back and whatever. And I hung out for like an hour, and then it was just like I was unraveling and I couldn't do it, and I had to leave. And I was like, you know, I love you. I hope you get better soon. It's gonna be okay. Luckily, even though that particular stem stand stem cell transplant failed, she's in remission now, she's fine, living her life, and like the most like vivacious life that you could. She's always doing something, she's like the most active person I know, just always traveling and like making the most out of her life, and like whatever she wants to do, she does. And it's just like such a beautiful way to live. And I'm like so honored to be her friend and to get to spend time with her because she's such a special person. You know, that's a kind of a different kind of grief. And like we've talked before. Um, you know, we talked about that particular thing after the fact, and I was like, I'm sorry, then I'm such a coward. Like, I just couldn't see you like that. And she told me, um, you showed up. There were people that didn't at all. She was like, you showed up and you came and you said you were gonna come and you came. There were people who didn't even like respond to the call. They didn't come. They, you know, there were people that just that were closer to her than me that just didn't. And I'm like, okay, that makes me feel a little bit better. Thank you. You know, I try to show up for my people, and it's sometimes it's fucking hard. You just don't know what to do. Like, who knows what to do when someone is crying or weak or sad? Like, if you don't have a directive to be like, how can I help you? What can I provide for you? What kind of service? Do you need me to clean? Do you need me to bring you snacks? You want me to paint your toenails? Like, what do you need? Give me a give me a job and I will do it. But without a job, it's like I don't know what to do with my hands and I'm feeling real uncomfortable. And I don't, I don't know. I wish that I was like a better person for that. I remember my mom and I used to go and see uh this woman who used to go to our church in a nursing home, and I was freaked out every time. Every time. And my mom is such a saint, and she's like, you know, she just wants someone to talk to and whatever. But like, I don't know. I had never been around someone so sick before and kind of frail, and I was like, I don't know what to do. I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt her. I don't know what I'm supposed to like be learning here. It wasn't compassion, apparently. So, you know, like I've had to fight that a lot, and also like walking into a position where I hadn't been exposed to a lot of like disabilities that I work with now, that I'm just like, eh, it's just another day. I didn't know how to be around people with characteristics or uh disabilities that I wasn't familiar with. I was just really uncomfortable, and I didn't know how to act. Lucky to say now that I have improved, luckily, you know, as you do. But I think at the end of the day, it's just like the most important person is treating a person like a person and not like really making any like super big caveats to it, like just talking to a person like you would anyone else, the same way I talk to kids. And that's why I have like such a good connection with my kids in schools, because I talk to them like they were an adult with their own feelings and their own decisions and their own rights and their own way to advocate for themselves, and you know, trying to help people to fight for themselves and believe in themselves. That is a skill that I have learned. But of course, you know, anytime that you run into something that you're not familiar with, you have to recalibrate. Like, I don't think there's anyone who can just like roll with it. I mean, probably, but it's not me. I always I always have a little bit of a learning curve, I think. My friend and I, we had always decided or we had always talked about her diagnosis, and I kind of have always taken her lead. I'm like, you know, if you want to joke about it and you want to make dark jokes and you want to be like whatever, you want to be morbid, girl, I'm here for it. I can make a joke. I'm cool. That is more comfortable for me. But if there is a day that you want to talk about you being sad or scared or not feeling good, girl, I'm with you for that too. But like, I'm not going to on a day where she's feeling jokey and happy, I'm not gonna be focused on, well, how are your treatments going? Oh, this isn't looking good, this is not positive, these are things that we need to be looking out for. Like, obviously, you know you have cancer, right? Did you forget? Like, that's not something I'm gonna do. In uh the reverse situation, or if she's having like a day that she just like not feeling it, and she's feeling down and she's feeling sick and she's feeling like no energy, or she just wants to complain, then that's what we're gonna do. I'm not gonna be like everything is perfect and your body is working today, and yeah, let's think about all the positive things. Somebody else might do that, but it's not me. I'm gonna take my my my signal from her, and I feel like she has expressed in the past that like that is very helpful. So that's something that I kind of take with me because when I am feeling down or I'm feeling shitty, or I'm like just wanting to complain and vent and I hate everything as I do sometimes, like I don't want you in my face talking about all of the wonderful things that I have. I know, I know that I have them, I know that I'm not in a box living on the street, you know, but like sometimes you just want to have a shit day. Sometimes you just don't feel good and you don't want to mask and you don't want to put on a good face, you just want to be like, I hate everything. Bring me ice cream and leave me alone. Or sit here with me with ice cream and complain as well. That we can do, you know. So I think those two things are like two pretty monumental like grief deals that I've had to deal with. And like I said, my friend's alive, she's fine, but someday she won't be, you know? Some she's she's got bone cancer. Someday is gonna take her, just like all, you know, whatever, we're all gonna go someday. But that's always like hovering in the back of my mind somewhere, and it's like something that I try to be really aware of, and it should be how I talk to and treat everybody. We only have these limited amounts of interactions with people, like how close are we to the end of our punch card? You know, like let me make sure that when you invite me somewhere I go, if I can, if I want to, you know, like just trying to stay connected. Like, luckily, we have um a Broadway subscription deal, so we see each other like at least seven times a month or seven times a year for dinners. Oh, we always like meet up for dinner, we go to the show, we chit-chat after whatever. So we have like a very set-selected time that we're always together, which is like really nice because that's something we do together. And when we don't have those, we try to like supplement it. It's usually in the summertime too. So, like, we're going to see an outdoor movie in a few weeks, and we've gone to like Symphony on the Prairie before. Like, we try to supplement where we can just so we stay connected. Like, we don't ever lose any time, like we just have a longer list of shit to talk about when we do get together. You know, we're we're the people and kind of pick it up and move on, which is great. I think there's something to be said for treating every day with your people like you might not have anymore. And and just not having any regrets about not calling them or not being with them or having this fight and not resolving it, and you know, whatever. Like somehow, some way this turns up in like all of my podcasts, and it's I don't know. I don't know why I think about it all the time, but like I don't know, I think it's something I have to remind myself of too, just to like it's easy to get bogged down every day and all the little things that we're stressed about. Like some days these things just feel so big and so heavy, and like you can't focus on anything else. But in the grand scheme of things, like the things that are important are the people that you love and the people, how you spend your time, and you know, like devoting your time to things that make you better. And that's not to say that like you can't spend your time like vegetating and just like fucking around, because I definitely do a lot of that too. But like I try to be more intent about like long stretches of time that I have, like. I decided to do a podcast randomly just to chit-chat about things. And like this is, you know, I record for an hour and some change. And then I listen back to the recording for an hour. And then I usually edit it for an hour or two. And then I spend another half an hour making my title cards and uploading it to all of the different places and sending it out to the people I know don't look at social media. Like it's a process. But this is a process that I've decided to do. And it brings me comfort. It gives me a place to kind of like work out all my thoughts because I'm not getting like a ton of feedback about it. And it's usually just like me, just chatting. Um, so I can kind of just like roll through and there's a little bit of something for everybody. Like, you know, I've covered a myriad of topics so far. I do work a lot when I have a lot of downtime because it's just easier to do, and like I have a lot of hours to make up for holidays and stuff. So yes, I do work a lot, but when I have time, I, you know, I like to use it to pursue things that I think are gonna make me better when I can, ideally. Um, and like I said, I spend a lot of time on TikTok. I do, but I usually do that at night. I read a lot of books, I listen to a little audiobooks, I have uh a laundry list of hobbies I'd like to re-investigate. I do puzzles, I play video games a lot, but I've been able to listen to podcasts for work while I play video games. So two birds, one stone, happy sad, it's a good time. Um, I want to get back into like learning how to play the piano because I like know how to do it, kind of. Um, my husband and I are gonna inventory our book soon and like get rid of some stuff we haven't read. So, you know, I just like I think I do better with not necessarily a schedule, but with like a a to-do list that I have made that I have put on myself. So, you know, that's something that I'm trying to really keep on top of with this podcast, like not making it a chore for myself, because this is really something that I'm doing just for me, you know, and all of you who are listening, of course, but like this is just a something that I'm doing to kind of like empty out all the thoughts in my brain and to kind of organize different ideas because sometimes when I talk for a long time, then I get ideas for myself on how to approach these things or how to talk about these things with the people I work with or the people that I care about. Yeah, so it's helpful. I think it's also nice to be able to connect with people I don't talk to very often, even though they're not talking back to me. At least they can kind of get like the real picture of what's going on in my life. Um, also in the world of mortality that we're talking about. Oh, this podcast is forever, dude. The internet's forever. Like, my kids are gonna be able to listen to this someday and be like, what the heck? Our mom was a sailor. Why is she talking like that? You know, like they'll be embarrassed about all the things that I've said, and I can't wait. I think it's pretty cool. It's like, you know, again, going back to knowing that you're not gonna have your people forever. Like, I have voicemails on my phone uh from people calling me for my birthday. Every year I have one for my mom, I have one for my brother, one for my sister-in-law, one for my best friend. Like, if you have called me, I've probably kept at least one of your voicemails, just because you just never know. You never know. And I don't ever want to find that out again the hard way. You know? I just I don't. I have videos and stuff. Uh I have voice notes, you know. Like I try to archive my people as much as possible because there will be a day someday where I forget what they sound like or what they look like or what it was like to be around them, you know. Like I want to keep all that stuff as fresh as possible because it's important. Like I keep, I mean, I'm glad I kept these letters that we exchanged back and forth for all these years. However, a few years ago, we were at Fourth of July party, I believe, and my sister-in-law returned my envelope of letters to me that I had sent to her brother. And like, for whatever reason, that was devastating to me. It was just like as long as I didn't have them, our loop still existed out in the world. He was he was still out there somewhere. But now that I have both sides of the conversation, it's like, oh, did this did this happen? Like obviously it did. I have the back and forth, but it's just like I don't know. It put like a real final it put a real finality on the situation, and again, it was like years and years and years and years and years after he had died. That was just like a flesh a fresh wound for whatever reason. And uh I don't look at them. I like considered drawing them out, but I do I'm curious to have both sides of the conversation because I don't exactly know where I was half the time. Half those letters were written at a really dark time in my life that I just kind of like blanked out some months, so it is nice to have the the written correspondence of what I was going through and how we were working through it. I believe in really keeping hold of the people you care about in whatever way brings you comfort. So like I have my birthday cards from my parents just from about pretty much every year. I'm as long as I thought about keeping them. I s I have my parents' cards, I have all the cards from our wedding. Like if anybody wrote me like a significant card, I've got it, you know, because I've got some really sweet friends that like to check in sometimes and they sent me little notes, and I've got those little notes pinned on my fridge, or I've got their cards like, you know, in a box just because I like to hold on to that stuff. And I'd like to think, you know, like these people know that they matter to me. I would hope that other people do the same for me. I don't know, grief is a weird animal. It's a weird animal and it's hard to deal with. And I would love to say that grief will pass someday, but it doesn't. It just gets more manageable, I guess. You know, like there's gonna be things that will stick with me forever from the things that I've lost or the experiences that I've had. And, you know, there's days all the time where I wish that I could write my friend a letter or call him and chit-chat about the things that have happened and just like knowing that he'd be really proud of my growth and all the places that have gone. But it is cool to see him on our nephews, uh, because our nephews look a lot like him, and they have a lot of the same mannerisms in like a perfect way of like a combination of my brother and my sister-in-law and him. They all show up and my nephew, so it is cool to have like those reincarnates around. So, like it's never too far. They never got to meet him. My sister-in-law was pregnant with uh my first nephew, like right when he died, I believe, because he got to see the ultrasound and he knew what he was before we did. So it happened before that. Um but he knew of him, he had seen him kind of and just never got to meet them. So, you know, it is bittersweet to have those memories, but it is nice to be able to like have this tangible part of him and the fact that we were we were family and friends, you know, he's never too far. There are pictures and stories and memories and all these things that we hold on to. So that's nice. I was a that was a loss that I had to deal with pretty young in my life. Um, at 18, you know, you know, not really like prepared to bury your friend. Um that sounds right. I don't know. I don't remember what year it was, but you know, you're just not ready to like take on that heavy of a thing. And I'm not to say that I've had like an easy life full of light experiences and everything's been hunky-dory. No, that's not true. I've had a pretty challenging life. You know, in comparison, there's other people that have had it harder. There's definitely a ton of people that had it easier, to be fair. At at that young of an age, I was not ready to bury a friend who was really not that older than me. That much older than me, who had been like such an integral part of my life at that time. That's where my mind has been this week. And just trying to soak up as much as possible and trying to live our life to the fullest. Because, like, you know, when you're stressed and you're bogged out, it's like so easy to just be like, I wish this part was over. I wish this particular chapter would close, that I can move on and just be happy and yay, everything is cool. But like the shoot always drops, it's just waves, you know. You've got waves of easy and fun and wonderful, and you've got waves of shit and stress and whatever, but it's like what you do with those times and how you use your perspective to make those things a little bit better, you know. Like I could sit here all day and rattle off all the things that I'm annoyed or sad about, but like I can sit here for hours and years and months, like going on all about all the things that I have and all the things I've been blessed with and all the things I'm grateful for and all the wonderful things that happened today. You know, it's a lot easier to name off the negative because it just like comes to the surface faster. You know, you think about customer service, and you're like so much more likely to contact a company when you they've done something shitty versus just being like, hey, you guys like performed the way that I needed you to. Your stuff was in stock, your people were efficient. Thanks for just like doing things the way you're supposed to. Like, that's not something a lot of people say. And like, you know, you go invent with your friends, and like you're not naming all the wonderful things that your your people are doing for you, you know, you're complaining about the dumb shit because it's easier. But you know, we all know that that underlying like positivity is there, and that we have to come back to that. Just one topic today. I did it. Finally, I did it. You know what time it is. It's time for moral story, which is basically what I've been doing for the last 20 minutes. Just hold your people close, you know, take advantage of the days that you have, and know that life could be like so much more worse than it is, but also it could be easier, you know? Shit sucks sometimes, but like you got food on your table, hopefully. You have a job, maybe, possibly. And if you don't, you've got skills to get one, you know? You've got there there are things that you can do, and there's people's lives that you have touched, and you matter. And you know, somebody has smiled because of you in the past. And if you're listening, then you're probably one of my people, and so I would say that I've definitely smiled because of you. Um Yeah, we're all awesome and things suck sometimes, but you know, what you gonna do? So I will uh cut it with the inspirational inspirations, aspirations, uh exaltations. Yes, anyway, I love you guys. It's been real.