Finding The Good When Things Are Hard

Today, I talk about burnout and coming out of the darkness to find the light. Also, I discuss the importance of showing up for the people you care about. 

Main themes: 

• Learning how to slow down 
• Giving yourself grace
• Sometimes just being there is the best you can do for others 

Transcript

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Hello, howdy. What's up? Other words to say greetings. Mm-hmm. Strong start. Strong start. Normally I would delete this and start over, but I don't want to. It's too much work. So today my brain is in about 100, 245, 69 places because I feel very much like I didn't take my meds. So I'm gonna walk you through this, guys. Sometimes, uh if I take my medication too late or too early, which might be the case today, that might be the issue. Uh, I realize when it has either worn off or whatever, because I'm feeling real of the odd hood today. I came home today and my husband is like out doing fishing stuff and whatever. So I was able to park in the garage, which is exciting. And uh I was like, okay, I'm gonna work out, and then when I'm in that room, I'm gonna take all the junk mail and I'm gonna shred it, and I'm gonna file away all the important paperwork because I'm an adult and I do that. And I'm gonna bring up these flowers that have been sitting in my living room since my wedding in November to put them in the craft room because they have been living in my front room for a hundred years. I'm gonna do that and I'm gonna I'm gonna do all the shit. Well, I didn't do all the shit, my friends. I started to do one of those tasks and I was feeling real good about myself, and then I found the mop that I just bought because my Swiffer Wetjet finally died on me. She served me well for a long time. Uh, she really put in the work and she died on me, so I threw her out and I bought a replacement one that is like just a generic wet mop thing that you can fill with your own, I was gonna say juices, ew, with your own cleaning solution and sparks peace ray, clean can clean, whatever. Hooray. You guys don't care about this, mom will tell you anyway. They have like cleanable fork sponge thing, so I don't have to throw them out, which is cool. So I was filling that and I was like, hold on, let me assemble this, and then I assembled it and I was like, wait, the inside of this container is empty, what will I do? And then I was like, wait, I have a whole bottle left of Swiffer Wetjet jet stuff. Okay, what we're gonna do is we're gonna walk over here to the kitchen. Hi bunnies, you're so cute. La la la la la. And then I was like, okay, I'm gonna fill this. And then I was like, I don't know how the Swiffer Wetjet uh thing, the bottle works. I don't understand because I'm not inside the mechanism. So then I tried to stab a hole in it and and spray it, and it didn't work. So then I had to get a knife. I had to get a knife and stab, stab, stab, and open up a little space. So then I opened up my little space and I tried to squeeze it like a little cow udder, and I made a big mess. And eventually finally I filled it most of the way, and I was like, cool, good job, Sammy. High five. And then I was like, this was not on their to-do list, and I was like, yeah, whatever, anyway. And so put all the stuff away, and then I went to the garage and I was like, I'm gonna hang up this mop. Doo doo doo doo doo. And I hung up the mop, and I was like, fuck, I never closed the garage because I don't park in the garage very much anymore, and I forgot. So ta-da. I'm glad that I did that. Close the garage. And I came upstairs. Doot do do do do do do. I was wearing overalls today and I had already unclipped them. And I'm trying to walk up the stairs, and I got my phone in my pocket, and my overalls are trying to slide off because they're like linen and they're light, and I was just like up the ground, up the stairs with my elephant pants on, just like trying not to die and break my neck because I'm home by myself. And so I get upstairs and I put the basket of flowers in the office where it belongs. Yeah, I did it. I didn't put it where it belongs, it's just in the office. It made it from one room to the next. That's as much movement as it has had in months. So congratulations, flowers. You know I live in the right room. And then I dropped off the bag of mail. Huzzah! Boom. And then I changed my clothes. Yeah. And I was like, I'm gonna not work out. I'm gonna go record my podcast. So take a timer, guys. That was four minutes and 34 seconds of my brain. You're welcome. This is me medicated, kind of, I think. It took my meds at like 11 o'clock. It's six. Mm. Yeah, I don't know if they're still working. That's that's how fast my brain goes. Probably faster because I had to get the words out. And I was listening to myself, so I was getting distracted. I don't have a theme today because it's been like that in my brain for so long. So uh I'm gonna pop through a few things, I think, that I have been thinking about this week and last week, because you know, we're just out here living. Something that has crossed my mind this week is I have been living in survival mode for I mean 37 odd years, you know, whatever. I'm sure there were some years in the beginning that I was like chilling, but uh, you know, I've just been living in survival mode this whole time, and this is just what I feel like. I went to therapy a few weeks ago. It's like, you know, I don't know if you guys pay attention or if you put the pieces together, but like podcasts were a little dark the last few weeks, and it's not like that stuff didn't exist in my life. It I mean, obviously it does, but it was just feeling very heavy. Everything was feeling really, really heavy, and I didn't know what to do. I have a therapist. The last time I saw her was before the wedding in September, and one of the first things she said to me was, Why did you wait so long to make an appointment? And I was like, 'cause I already know what you're gonna say. She's like, okay, so hit me with the hit me with the one, two. So I told her all of the things, which is just like 20 minutes of rambling about all the shit that's been happening since November. And at the end of that, usually, you know, I laugh about it because I don't know what else to do. And she was like, Listen, you laugh about this stuff because you know it's your defense mechanism, but I truly and honestly do not understand how you are still functioning. And I'm like, I mean, functioning is like a strong word, but uh I don't have a choice. Something that I've kind of like figured out in life after, you know, having my periods of like not wanting to be on this earth anymore when I was in a teen or whatever, uh, you know, when it when things have gotten a little dark and a little bit heavy in my adult life, as they as they will, you know, there have been a few touch and go moments here and there. Something that I have to like just get down to the brass tacks of and just be real honest with myself and other people. I'm like, you might be concerned when I say this, but like you ask me how I'm still going and how I'm functioning and how I'm like still going to work and doing whatever, I don't have a choice. My options are to quit, to just lay around my house all day and give up and stare at the ceiling or like die, or I figure it out. That's it. That's the real options at the end of the day. You figure it out or you don't. And my life has been figuring it out for always. And I mean, obviously, we're all still walking here, we're all doing our things, like that's it. That's what it all comes down to. You choose to figure it out, and you choose how to like sort through it so you can make it another day or you don't, and sometimes you just don't. Sometimes I can't do anything, and I just want to stare at the ceiling, and truth be told, like I told my therapist in the last month or so, just all of the heaviness and all of the stress kind of came crashing down on me. It wasn't a sudden thing, it was just like one little toothpick at a time until I was like, Oh, I'm under a boulder. Huh. Oh, okay. I think I talked about this a while ago. I don't know why I always have to refer to this stuff. Like, I don't know, it's just part of what I do. When I'm starting to like go to the dark place or whatnot, like, and I'm really struggling to just like make it from day to day to day, and I'm trying, I'm really trying, but I'm in like low power mode. I start to skip work, and it's not great. It's not a good thing. Luckily, my job is flexible enough, um, and we work with neurodivergent people in mine, because you know, I am one, that I can work from home and I can do podcasts or I can do whatever everything that I do in this job is on my own time for the most part, which is wonderful because I really needed that structure. But I realized this week, so far, so good. But in the weeks in like the last month or two, there have been at least one day, probably a week. I would either call my first or last person of the day, usually the middle of the day, I'm like, all right, you can get it together, it's fine. But like the middle and the very last person of the day and be like, I don't feel good, which I was not lying. I didn't. Just I wasn't sick in my body. It was sick in my brain. You know, I have the flexibility to do that, but I also don't want to do that too often because, like, if you, you know, create this pattern of calling off and doing all these other things, like it it becomes harder to rely on you and for people to trust you to help them out with their life because you can't get your own shit together. I mean, that's just what I think. I might be like judging myself too harshly as I do. I have a hair on my toe, it's wrapped around my second to last toe, and that is one of the worst feelings on earth. You demon, go away. As I was saying. So I try to not like judge myself too harshly when I'm doing these things, and quite truthfully, I think a lot of my people would understand if I told them true. Like, listen, I'm going through it. And in order for me to show up for you, I have to, I need to take a break. I would love to just like go out of town for two weeks, like I did when I went to Albania. Albania was wonderful because nobody could bother me there. I didn't have access. Well, I did, but I just ignored it. I turn off my like Microsoft notifications. I didn't look at my email, I didn't take any calls from any of my clients, because nobody really called me. Somebody did text me, like almost at the very end, and even said, Oh, you're on your honeymoon, aren't you? Anyway, I'm gonna keep talking. So, you know, it was really nice to just be like, Well, there's literally nothing I can do. I'm across the ocean right now. Any of your concerns will have to wait. Or you can call someone else. The wonderful thing about my job, one of the many, is that when you leave on vacation or for an extended period of time, you have someone to catch any of the emergency situations. So you always like pass on your number or whoever is covering you, just in case, you know, and it's very rare that they use it. You know, if your people are having a crisis, then they can kind of lean on your next person. So that was nice. But you know, like I'm finding that I probably needed that break, maybe I don't know, last week or two weeks ago. But I just have been, again, in power survival mode, just trying to get all the things done that I'm trying to do, and I'm trying to like make sure I have enough hours for my benefits at the end of the year. Like these are things that are gonna keep happening until October because I'm still grinding to make sure that I have all those hours uh in October. You know, I just like have not taken my foot off the gas at all because this is just like how I go. My therapist told me, listen, ma'am, you take your foot off the gas, like what's gonna happen? And I'm like, I don't know. She's like, Great, stop, stop the car. I'm like, I don't. She's like, I understand that you have so many things that you need to do and a lot of responsibilities, but also you're gonna burn yourself out and you're ready there. And I was like, I know, I know. I don't think we've ever talked about burnout before, which is something I wanted to talk about, so conveniently I've led myself here anyway. Burnout, and I'm sure you've heard the term before, and if you haven't, uh it's like what it sounds. There's just nothing in the tank. You're running on fumes, and everything starts to crumble. When I begin to approach burnout, I like I said, I I know the signs, but I just like tend to ignore them on purpose. So I will start to, you know, work from home more often and I'll stop working out and I'll stop eating right. Well, not that I do anyway, but I uh I will pay less attention to this stuff. So I just like put minimal effort into anything that I can. Wherever I can pull back, I pull back. And like that sounds like a healthy thing to do. It would be if I did it in moderation, but I'm kind of an all or nothing person when it comes to like I'm gonna crash. So burnout for me looks like that. And like I've said before, you know, like my filters get less and less, like, you know, that that thin line between I'm a sane person and I'm gonna like lose my shit is pretty thin or like it's way for thin. So I have to be really careful because you know, if I run into a situation that I'm overwhelmed with, or if like you can't control anything that anybody says. I don't know if everybody who I work with knows that I'm Hispanic, and I'm sure they do at this point because I told them so they they are aware of it, and like nobody like actively means to be like ignorant of things, I would hope. But sometimes people say ignorant things to me, and I have to really try hard, hard, hard, hard not to take them personally or to respond. So I don't always win that battle. And when my thin my veileness of sanity is very thin, I will lose that battle like nine times out of ten. You know, in order to keep myself again working and not fired, I have to sew it up. So I have to keep all that inside and I have to figure out how I'm gonna get through this day because when I'm in burnout, like every hour of the day is a year. It's just like I physically don't know how I'm gonna make it from 10 a.m. to 11 a.m. today. I just don't. And you know, sometimes I have to like have my laptop up, like I'm taking notes, and I'm just like checking my email or doing getting a little dopamine hit from something. Like I have to look for, I don't know, movie times or something, you know, like I have to keep myself going somehow because I am a flawed person and I am a human. I mean, that's it. I'm a human and sometimes I have trouble. But I just like find no, I have no energy for anything, even though I know that like working out makes me feel better. And I go to the gym with a friend, and you know, we just kind of vent and we let it all out and whatever. That is also healthy and helpful. And sometimes I'm just like, mm, I just want to sit here in this misery for a while, even though I know that this is not helpful. I don't I don't want to continue to be here in a whole sadness, but sometimes I just can't get out. The burnout was very real, but yes, talked to my therapist, and I was like, listen, I already know what you're gonna say, so I'm gonna say it for you before uh you say it. What have I been doing for myself lately to loosen the load? Nothing. Nothing because I don't know what I can do and where I can do it. And she laughed at me and told me that I was not the only person to say that to her today. Knowing that I already know what she was gonna say and that I teach this like every day was part of the reason that I waited so long to go to therapy. But also, you know, sometimes you just get going and you don't know where you're gonna go and you don't know what's gonna come out and you don't know how honest you're gonna be. And ideally, if you're going to therapy, you want to be pretty honest. So I think I'm always just afraid of like what I'm gonna say, and then I'm gonna have to like deal with it instead of just being like, whatever, I'll just be mad at everything all the time for no reason. She kind of helped me to like diagram out, okay, these are the things that we're gonna do. And again, super simple things that I already know how to do that I knew I should be doing anyway, but I just didn't want to and I didn't have the brain capacity to do so. Like, you know, using my time better sounds silly, but for real, I'm in the car, you know, two, three hours a day between sessions, and that's like prime time to listen to podcasts when I can, so I don't have to do it later. But you know, sometimes I just don't want to because I don't want to think about work all day, every day, you know, when I get home or like at the beginning of the week, in the beginning of a pay period, I usually take it a little easy because I was grinding so hard the week before, and then I wait four or five days to do anything extra, and by then, oh look, it's the second week and now I've got to grind again. So just making small adjustments where I can. I also like went to my actual doctor the other day and we kind of moved some things around and like figured out kind of a plan of attack for my health. So I've been kind of making some healthy changes, healthy, healthy changes there. So overall, it it seems as though the the hill I would say is going downhill, but like it's easier to go downhill than uphill. So the the darkness is a plateauing, I guess. Happy to say that I've gone to all of my appointments this week, and if anyone is cancelled, it was not me. It sounds like such a small thing, but like kind of like when you're in the depths of depression. If you haven't been there before, or if you didn't know what it is or what it looks like, or that you were actually depressed because you're like, oh, I'm just sad today. Mmm, uh, you know, like a deep depression anxiety kind of wave. Like there are days that you cannot force yourself to get out of bed to brush your teeth. And like if that's all you can do that day, holy shit, you did it. Like, that's a win. We love it. You know, if you can force yourself to go to the bathroom when you need to go instead of waiting, awesome. You know, if you can get in the shower, because sometimes getting in the shower is like it's one of my restorative practices, but I really have trouble motivating myself to go into the shower because I I don't know, that transition, like people with ADHD really have trouble with transitions sometimes from doing whatever preferred method to we're doing to whatever we have to do, which is also why today I was like a scatter-brained chicken with her head cut off because I was just like, I got a lot of stuff I have to do, but like what do I want to do? Nothing getting in the shower sometimes is hard. Once I get in the shower, I want to like steam up. I want to be in there for a while, and like I'll just stare at the wall sometimes. And luckily, again, the the shower will turn cold eventually and I have to get out. But you know, like you're just trying to function some days. You're just doing your best to put one foot in the front of the other and keep it pushing. So, you know, we've had some changes in our life recently for the better, which is exciting. So I feel like the part where I can breathe is coming. And knowing that, I'm like, okay, I can I can take my foot off the gas a little bit, like I can go into neutral or slow down or whatever is going on now because I'm not just like trying to figure out how to make it to tomorrow. So I don't like bash my head against a wall. Like I, you know, the the end of this particular nightmare has come. And it's just like, okay, now I can, I feel like my head is not being pushed underwater anymore. And I realized like once I popped out of the hole and like I had therapy and like a lot of things kind of popped into perspective. Again, I fully know what's going on. And I knew exactly what she was gonna tell me, and I've told myself all those things before, but like having somebody talk to you about it is really helpful. I'm a big advocate for therapy. Do it, it's great. And again, I work this kind of stuff every day. I'm not a therapist, but like I act like one. Like this is how most of my days go. Like a lot of my people are just kind of venting out the I think the difference between a therapist and a behavior specialist, obviously, aside from like a license and practicing, you know, I'm like in the house and in the community, like doing the things that we should be doing. I work with therapists a lot to like implement their plans. You know, I'm an extension. Even though I have the knowledge and I can do all the things and help other people do the things, it's not always easy to keep those like drips in your cup for yourself because you're too busy pouring out for everyone else and trying to like keep everyone else moving and surviving and whatever. It's just, you know, it's difficult to remember that in order to help others you have to help yourself. And like so cliche, and I swear that I have like repeated this whole podcast before this particular episode. So I feel like this is really familiar, but like it can't be said enough to like really lock into yourself sometimes because like once I think I kind of like pushed the brakes and took a minute, I was like, okay, now we can start to like look forward because I think that the the last nine months has just been like when I look to the future, I see like a piece of gray construction paper, like it's grayed out, like somebody's gotta lift it so I can see what we're working with. And I just haven't been able to see it. And I've just been like, okay, I guess I'll just stare into the void of nothing and I won't make any plans and I'll just be living today every day. Once I kind of had that that shift, I was like, oh, I think maybe now I can like muster the time to like foster my friendships a little bit more, you know. Like all my friends and I are pretty close, and we all kind of understand that we're older and we've all got our own shit going on, and we'll check on what we can, but like physically making the time to spend with people is like a really big commitment. And I've been like under a rock for a while. So if you weren't like in a five mile radius for me, I'm not coming. You know, like if I have to put any extra effort in, I'm not no, I'm not interested. Just kind of like coming out of this to be like, okay, maybe we should check in with some people we haven't checked in in a while, like make sure everyone's cool, like schedule a lunch or whatever. And again, that feels like such a task, and I'm sure it's probably a task for the other people that I'm trying to set things up with too. I want to take care of myself and foster. my mental wellness and also make sure that my friends are like doing okay because sometimes I have some friends that totally disappear when they're going through it and they don't say anything. So I have to come and be like, yo, are you okay? You've been pretty quiet lately. Just gotta check in and do the things. So yeah hopefully I have reached the end of my burnout situation for now. And like it'll probably happen again. I work in a pretty difficult field and I mean you know anybody can burn out of anything. It doesn't really matter what it is. But I was driving home today and thinking about one of the people that I work with today. And you know just thinking about the strides that they've made and you know I'm trying to like keep it really generic but generally people have pretty lofty goals and it doesn't make maybe it doesn't seem lofty to anyone else but like from day one to day 350 with a lot of the people I work with like pretty drastically different. And not to say that I did it but like you know time and experience and maturity like people kind of like work things through themselves. And while I do read a lot of clinical things I do a lot of research you know etc etc a lot of like my job is being there for people and empowering them to make their own choices or ask their own questions and to be curious about what it is that whatever response they're having like what function is it? And that is something we ask a lot what is the function of this behavior so for me when I am really overwhelmed and upset I am very quick to anger my function of anger and you know snappiness and aggression or like verbal aggression or whatever. Whatever you want to categorize it like that function is serving to take away from the fact or distract from the fact that I'm feeling very vulnerable that I'm feeling like unsupported or I'm feeling like some of my needs are not being met. And I might not even be able to say what the needs are or where that like void is coming from but that's what it's what's happening. Like part of all of that is because it is easier to react that way instead of to really sit down with myself or another person to say listen I think I need help or I think that you know something I don't know I need a break from this or I need whatever what you know you can't always tell people exactly what you need but if you have people there at least to you know walk with you even if that person is just chilling even if they're just there it doesn't really matter you know like you got to show up for yourself you got to show up for your people again like that's a lot of what I do. Thinking through I was listening to a podcast on the way home and it was talking about like school based services and class services. So when I was working with kids in my elementary school I would push into their classes and sometimes like we did need assistance there but like push-ins were easier for me because I could tune out like push in you show up you hang out for an hour you help them with anything they need and you go like I wasn't a tutor or anything but like if they were having problems with their teacher I could observe or if they were having trouble with this work I could help them through it and then tell the teacher hey this is where they're missing like this is the part that they're not ex understanding because so many times and in the society that we live in right now they're just forced to like push push push push push and they don't have time to give every student the attention that they need. So then they have to be pulled out and you know used in um like assistance services and schools and whatever and like it's a good thing a lot of my kids that I worked with really thrived when I was helping them pet my bet myself on the back when I was helping them before like classes in the morning because they could say okay I think I get it and I'd be like do you really get it or you're lying to me. They're like and I'm like okay do it again with these other things and then they couldn't. So I'm like all right let's start again you do it you show me how you show me where you got stuck so we could really stop and dissect what they were doing. And again I wish that everybody had that time and teachers had just like endless time to give to the people that are struggling because so many people just don't ask for it. And um you know I had kids that like in sixth grade that had trouble reading and nobody said anything because they don't hold kids back anymore for the most part. And like I don't want anybody to be held back but I think it's also just like they're just passing them through grade to grade to grade and then they get to college or you know whatever they get to graduation and they know nothing. Like they're like okay well I was just here and you guys passed me from class to class and I have a basic understanding of English. Like okay and it's really upsetting you know our education system and shit. And people are doing their best. It's not the teacher's fault most of the time. Taking the time to really listen and honestly like that is part of why I I connect well with the people that I connect with and the people that I help because so often their families will say well we tried to get them to do this for years and they wouldn't do it for us and you came around and ta-da and they're doing it. Well there's a difference when you approach somebody and you say I don't like the way you do XYZ it's causing problems for me. You need to do it a different way versus let's talk about this. You don't want to do this thing this way. Can you let's let's let's figure out why like what is it about that this particular situation and the way that you're expected to do it that is like throwing you off like let's talk about it. So many podcasts that I listen to so many books all the things like just across the board curiosity is one of like the main things that you can do. And it's it's easier said than done in the middle of a tense situation. You have a child who doesn't like to brush their teeth and you know you're trying to logic with this child and you're trying to tell them it's important your teeth have to be clean they'll fall out you'll get cavities whatever the kid doesn't care about that. The kid doesn't care. That is not part of their main issue in the world uh let's stop let's look at it okay what is it about toothbrushing that you don't like let's talk about it and like I don't like the flavor of the toothpaste. Easy easy fix what do you want? You don't know let's try some flavors cool I don't like how big this toothbrush is I don't like the electric I don't like the manual cool it freaks me out to have water in my mouth oh okay well try and figure something out around that you know they have the biteable tablets and mouthwash and whatever you know there's like a million ways you can go around this problem but you know one of the podcasts I was listening to just this afternoon right before I got home was talking about like autistic meltdown and shutdowns and like the kids who are really having trouble I mean just neurotypical kids adults anybody they're not giving you quote unquote trouble just like for shits and giggles they're not a problem to you they're not trying to make problems for you they're having a problem themselves it has nothing to do with you most of the time instead of taking it personally and trying to figure out well why are you giving me a hard time like why are you not putting your shoes on? Do you want us to be late you know like instead of being like hey I see that you're struggling with this how can we do this for you how can I how can we help you? You know and not doing that for them or not just like shoving them into a shoe and like throwing them out the door sometimes you got to do that but like on a long-term basis what is it about this particular situation that is causing you grief? Your shoes are too tight your socks are twisted you know like sensory things kind of deal like I just had an issue last week or something where we asked some questions that people had never thought to think what people had never thought to ask before because this person was doing something in a certain way and the parents didn't like it and they wanted whatever they had their own like method of doing things. So we asked some questions and I kind of broke down well what part of this process is is is sticking? Like where are you getting stuck? Oh I don't like the feeling of of XYZ cool let's think of some solutions. And you know we elisted some out and they're like okay I'd be willing to try this other solution. Bam we got it that's it it's not going to solve every problem every time but curiosity and like stopping to remember that like most of the problems and upsets and whatever are not personal. Like it's not you know a directed attack at you like most of the time people are going through their own shit and you just happen to be in the vicinity I had to use this example to one of my people today when I was going through a scenario and um we have conversation cards and it was like you know what have you done recently that you did that you shouldn't have done like it's easy to list out all of the things that are wrong rather than all the things that are right or all the things that are good because it's just you know it's easier. You know curiosity will work in a lot of ways. My friends that you know they were we found them on TikTok during the quarantine got to know them etc went to visit them awesome but something that they were talking about you know it's like we have a problem it's us versus the problem not us versus each other and we all forget that all the time so having to switch that mindset like actively and it is a lot of work it is a lot of work to change that and like get the chip off your own shoulder to be like okay wait a minute what are we doing here like my husband and I had a situation on Saturday Friday I am like very anti people telling me how to drive it drives me fucking crazy and I don't know what it is about this like knee-jerk reaction that if anyone is like well you should be doing this I'm gonna lose it I'm gonna lose it I'm gonna lose my fucking mind and he's on the other side where he is like very cautious to be in cars and you know he's trying to keep his eyes out at all times to make sure that other people aren't doing any whatever he told me hold on there's a there's a car behind you meanwhile like I'm looking at in the the backup camera I can see the person I can see the car I'm looking at the car and my immediate reaction was I can see I'm looking at what you're looking at sh stop and his reaction was I'm just letting you know I don't have to take it personally like what is what's the deal I was like oh you know what let me not snap at you right now I'm like I truly don't know I do not know the origin of this particular problem I don't know it's probably from when I was like growing up and learning to drive everything is at a front to me so in those kinds of situations when I have an immediate knee jerk reaction it's like okay I have been doing this thing that I'm doing for years I do it every day like I in this particular situation I'm in my car every day all day I have driven in cities I have driven in the country I drive on city streets every day I drive roundabouts I do this I have like a lot of practiced hours like my 10,000 hours are in my pocket and when people make suggestions or whatever it like drives me crazy because I'm like listen I have the credentials to be here what are you doing it's always an affront to me I think it's just that it happens so often that I'm like just I can see I can I can see I swear like I think that I take it personally because I every time suggestions come up like this whether it be driving or like if I'm talking to a person and they're like well you don't know about this and I'm like I wrote a paper on this like 17 times. I know a lot about it you know I think that so much of it is like feeling like it's a personal attack on my knowledge or like feeling that I shouldn't be there or feeling like they're comparing and I can do it better than you and I'm like I really don't care. Still again don't super know the origin of that I just like it's just a knee-jerk reaction to that for sure. And I remember doing that when I was a kid my mom and I would be talking about something I remember doing it in like a blockbuster and I don't even know what we were talking about. But my immediate reaction was I'm not stupid like I understand what you're saying to me. I don't know why you're telling me to do XYZ I'm not stupid and I think that that is like the root of anything that I knee jerk about that. Like not this insecurity that I'm stupid because I'm no I'm not but like when people phrase things in a certain way I like they sound condescending to me and I don't know how to handle it. And sometimes you you're just not in an appropriate place to say you know what the way that you said that it like kind of bothers my brain like could you say this in a different way or could you request this in a different way rather than approaching it this way and then telling me that I'm being sensitive as that happened to me a lot. I don't like to have that chip on my shoulder and like there's no real reason that I need to have one. It's just you know I've been in this body for 37 years. I have things that I have fixed and I have things that I have not and uh I don't know I think it's just like discounting my experience maybe and kind of like trying to I think yeah I don't know I think it's just discounting my experience and like trying to be like oh I'm smarter than you so whatever you just don't know. And that's not a thing because I am also a well actually kind of person. However if in the car specifically like we're gonna keep going back to this I will try my hardest not to say anything when someone is driving because I know that it drives the fuck out of me. It drives me crazy. So if you're driving crazy I'm usually just gonna like try to grit and bear it because you know whatever. If someone is slamming the brakes in front of you and you're looking somewhere else okay maybe I'm gonna say something then that's a pretty large hey like there have definitely been times where no it was like there's people in front of you and I definitely did not see those people like walking. I have trouble seeing people walking and that's like the most awful thing to miss. I feel like that's in a different category but if it's just like well you should do this or you should do that or like all those little nitpicky things drive me crazy. I was in the car with a friend once and they almost got an accident and they're like why didn't you tell me this and that and I was like because you're like me and your response would have been the same as mine. So I'm not for what? For you to yell at me I'm good. I'm cool I'm not gonna say anything you'll figure it out so you know like a lot of the time you'll figure it out is like where I land uh because I'm stubborn as fuck and when people are trying to direct me I'm not gonna listen most of the time. So I'm like all right I'll give you the tools I just told one of my people this the other day like I can give you all the tools that I want to I can give you the key to life if I have it I will but are you gonna use it? You can use it however you want to or not at all. And I think I'm trying to get better about just like okay well I'm gonna give you what I can and that's that this is what I have to contribute to you. In my line of work is difficult because there's so many things that like I can't alter and I can't speed up like you have to go at the pace of the person and it's not always like a huge deal to us the people who are interacting but the parents or the case managers or whoever on the outside is like okay well this hasn't happened much probably majority of the people that I work with have a growth mindset like any victory is a victory and I love that. But not everybody is that way. So like having to justify okay well we're doing this and they've come so far and here's all the wonderful things that they have done and having somebody be like well that's not enough for me. That's so frustrating. And I don't want to put that on other people either. That's tough. On the other side of that and another little tangent not tangent a little little side shoot part of having the job that I do. Again I feel like I'm repeating a lot in this episode but that's where we're at I kind of like lucked into this job somehow and I really don't know how I made the transition from working at Anthem and claims to going to the place I worked for like the first mental health job I ever had in a school which was wonderful. But just it's really rewarding and uh like on the days that suck and on the days that I'm really having trouble in my personal life like it's easy to lose sight of the horizon. However, on the days where I'm feeling okay and my people are doing stuff and they're making breakthroughs and even if you said one thing slightly in a better way or you decided to like give a different perspective even a fleeting chance I'm gonna celebrate it. In the kids' lives that I've worked with in schools. I miss like the kids that I really connected with so much but I really hope and know that they're gonna go forward and someday they're gonna tell other people I had a support or whatever, whatever they want to call it in school they'd probably call me a teacher because that's just you know easy or a therapist. Those are the two easy titles you know who really took the time to get to know me and what I was going through. You know that's what I needed. When I found this job I went into it knowing that I wanted to be what I needed see an age villain aid baby. Have you seen robots? It's a great movie watch it thinking about in elementary school had I had someone there to like help me navigate not feeling like I belonged in one group or another or kind of trying to balance like the code switching from one to another or you know having struggles like even in elementary school I can think of my fifth grade year was really difficult for me and I just like didn't turn in a lot of work sometimes like trying to understand why what was the issue and you know just like really sitting down and taking the time to really hear me. And I did have a few teachers like that my sixth grade teacher specifically she was wonderful. She was a Hispanic lady she was younger and that was the first Hispanic teacher that I had ever encountered for the most part and she was mine. And um like I was a teacher spent so I was always staying after school and like cleaning her erasers and whatever whatever for whatever reason it sounds creepy but like she lived really close to us and my mom loved her she went to our church I think and so like I would go to her house with her and help her do these things and she had a bunny and I loved it. Her name was Canilla. I had a like my third grade teacher Miss Furl she also went to our school but she would have what she also went to our church and she would have like three students every quarter or whatnot like if you had really accomplished whatever then we would get to like go to her house and have like a nice dinner and her backyard was really fun it was really pretty so we got to do all these things. And again like looking back like it's it's not creepy at all because like my parents knew these people and they were like signed off on it. But that's those are the kind of relationships that I fostered like I really connected with these teachers who really gave me the time of day and if I had a problem they could see it and they'd be like yeah what's the deal? What like are you okay? What do we what do we need to do here? Like they made me feel listened to and seen and heard and included and like I was a latchke kid so I got home like nobody was there most of the time you know like I'm fine it's kind of the way life goes. So I would stay after school with these teachers you know and I would just feel like special because I got to help them do their billboards and cut out the die cut letters in the library. I love doing that. So when I found in my first school that I worked in they had the die cuts oh my God did I die cut I had a great time because there were people in there that were like how does this work what is this machine I'm like whoa let me show you my friend but you know I had teachers that really took the time and put their love and care into me and that really meant a lot to me. So like looking at this job and knowing that I would be working with kids in schools who had like mental health struggles and like I didn't always feel comfortable saving or sharing my mental health struggles with my mom because when I was in it I was in it and I was afraid of what was going to happen. Like for the most part in schools uh and for minors what you say to me stays with me unless those are the caveats and the rules were on the wall it you know you're gonna hurt yourself you're gonna hurt someone else somebody hurt you like those few things were like absolutely like no we got to call your parents we got to tell somebody so for the most part you know you can say whatever. So bitch and we would laugh and we would whatever and it was like really interesting because I got to be in the school of course where all of these things were happening. So they would tell me about their friends and they would tell me about their teachers and all these situations they find themselves in and I could go and be there to help mediate or to observe and be like oh I could see what you're talking about or I could be like all right well you're kind of tripping so let's like figure it out how how can we repair this relationship. But just you know giving people the time and the space to see them and to really feel like you have done something to just be there. You know just being there is really important and um every like every school I left I'm just gonna tune my own whore because it like it makes me feel good I would have a few students write me letters and like every day on the last day I would just like cry my eyes out and they're like well you're leaving why are you crying I'm like because I don't want to leave you like I'm just I'm moving on to whatever else I don't want to leave you. If I could take you with me I would like put you in my little pocket and we could just like chill and I'd help you out for the rest of your life but I can't so like I'm really sad. So I would have a few of them write me letters and you know I have it all saved like all of the little notes and gifts and whatever like the last school that I worked at I worked in um they put me in a wing so I was like on a whatever like a two team Everybody else had like offices in the office, so they were set back. I was in the hallways with the kids. My door was open. Sometimes I usually kept it closed, but I told them that could knock. So I had like a little safe space on the floor. I had a little like puzzle piece thing where they could chill out. I had blankets, I had stuffies, I had fidget toys, I had coloring, I had I had all of the good shit, you know, and I would like, okay, you if you want to talk, if you don't, I don't really care. Like, you just tell me what you need. So we'd sit there and we'd color or we'd do diamond art and whatever. And I think that that is the magic. Like if you were having trouble talking with your kids someday, don't sit them down and ask them all the things. Sit with them quietly, do an activity that they enjoy. And they might just spill it. They might just open their mouths and be like, well, I have this problem with whoever today. And then you can be curious about it. Be curious. Always be curious. Don't give it advice. Don't give examples, whatever. Just like shut up for a while and let them talk. Because filling that foundation is going to open you up to so much. That is like one of the what I was talking about today. Like the person that I was talking about was kind of closed off in the beginning. And like a year and a half later, they're just like, hey, I want to talk to you about this, want to read this to you, whatever, whatever. And they really let me in. And that means a lot to me because, you know, letting somebody into your realm like that is so special and so important. I would have students come to me that I had never talked to before. And they'd just be like, yo, my friend told me that I could come talk to you. And I'm like, all right, well, let's go. Chit chat. So they'd tell me all the things about their teachers and whatever's going on with their friends. All right, cool. Or if we had issues with their parents and they're like, I just don't understand, they don't understand me, whatever, whatever. And I would try to get them comfortable with asking their parents why, or explaining to their parents, this is how I'm feeling. Or writing a letter to their parents. Oh, I did that. I wrote letters to my parents because when I get upset or I'm excited or whatever, I talk too fast and I lose all my English. I don't speak in Spanish either. I just like I lose it all. I can't speak and I cannot form a coherent sentence. And I'm really trying to like get out whatever it is that I need to say, and I'm gonna forget stuff once they say something or once they fight me or whatever. Like I'm gonna have to start all over again. So letters sometimes is where it's at for me because I can take my time, I can erase, I can write it again, I can not give it to you at all. So I'd always encourage my kids to like, okay, well, if you really want to do this, like if you're really asking them to meet you in the middle or trying to explain yourself, like write it down. I just had so many kids that were like, I can't do that. Like they're gonna yell at me, and I'm like, homie, if this is like the relationship that you and your parents have, like, I'm very sad for you. Like, you know, let's try. Let's try in any version that you're comfortable with without screaming, without yelling, you know, like something that I always explain to them too. If I'm gonna ask you for something and I'm calm and I'm chill about it, and we have an established relationship, you're more likely to give it to me. However, if I'm coming at you and saying, you don't understand me, you're so stupid, why do you do this? And then I ask you for something, you're not gonna give me that shit. Like, go dine a hole. I don't want to talk to you. Approaching the situation calmly when you're put together is so much better. When I left this school, my last school that I worked at, I had two kids who I like one of them was in one of my lunch groups, and I don't remember like really getting to know her very well, honestly, because there were like six or seven girls in there, and we just like hung out. They hung out with me at lunch. I asked them what was the highlight of your day and what was the low of your day, and that was that. That was pretty much our whole deal. And then they would just chit-chat in a safe space, and I would just be there. And if they had to ask me a question, I was there, or I would like do a diamond R with them or whatever. I was just there. I was just one of the girls chilling. So one of those girls wrote me this beautiful letter about how I like made everybody feel seen, and I never made anybody feel weird for anything that they had to say or say anything they were into, and I would always try to like initiate or like bring it into what we were talking about, and I would always give people the time to speak and whatever, and like that was so beautiful to me. I'm almost crying talking about it. And I didn't, I had no idea and no idea that she felt that way until the very end. And I was like, Well shit. I wish that we could have had more time to like cultivate this relationship because I really really enjoyed like talking to her one-on-one because it seemed like she needed somebody once I saw that. And I was just like, well shit. Well, I'm glad for the the impressions that I was able to make. And my other kid, she was in my office all the time. Like she was hanging out with me often. So that one was less surprising. But it was the same thing for her just being like, you're so important to me, and you really make me feel seen and heard, and I don't have anyone else who talks to me like this. And I'm like, oh man, like you just have to show up. You just have to show up and give people the time and the respect to talk to them like an adult. Someone on your level, you can do that to anyone. If you have a partner, you know, just like taking the time to put your pride aside. And again, I say this, but I don't always do it. Like sitting down to say, okay, let me get my own ego out of the way here. Like, what is I have my own shit to work on? Like, let me just put all that aside. Going into an argument with a list of all of the things that this person has done wrong or whatever that they've missed and blah, blah, blah. Instead of being like, hey, I see that you're having an issue, or it seems like you're a little off, or you know, it seems like our vibes have not quite been aligning, or we're not connecting, or whatever. Whatever it is that you have observed kindly, and then to offer, is there anything that I can do to help you? Is there anything you're missing from me? You know, like you have to open yourself up to feedback and be ready to respond in a kind way. Because if you uh address it calmly with the with the intention of working together as a team to solve this problem, it's gonna go a lot better than pointing, you said this, I said that, he said this, you said that. And like, I don't know, it's just like a natural thing for me and probably a lot of people to like make a mental list of any time you've said anything ever, and like to not like to work really hard not to be like, here you go, on November 42nd, you said this about my shoes, huh? You know, like that's just not it's petty and it's not super helpful. So, like going into an argument or whatever with that list and like this chip on your shoulder and just trying to prove to somebody that like here's all the reasons that you're wrong, like that's not gonna accomplish anything. That is not a productive conversation to say and to break it all down to be like, hey, listen, again, I'm seeing that you know, we're maybe not connecting or we haven't talked in a while, or whatever, whatever, whatever. Is there something that I can do? Or like how I mean, essentially in the therapy terms of it, what needs of yours aren't being met? How is this showing up? It's showing up in all these other ways, but let's get down to the nitty-gritty of it. Like, are you feeling isolated? Are you feeling lonely? Are you feeling unwanted? Are you feeling uh insecure? Are you feeling whatever, you know, like this is the root of it all? There's a an emotion wheel that we use, and there's like a big ring on the outside with really specific words, and then a smaller ring on the inside was picked with specific words, and the very, very center of this emotion wheel is like mad, sad, happy, whatever. And it all stems from that, and I think that's really helpful. I'm gonna include a picture on my website slash post, whatever, so you can look at it, but then you can kind of work backward and then you can kind of like find the origin of what's happening and maybe see a little bit more what's going on. So usually I'm agitated, and from agitated, I have to shrink that down and you know, whatever. Like, if I'm agitated and whatnot, a lot of the time it's because I'm feeling like I'm alone and doing whatever it is that I'm doing, or I'm like carrying this load by myself, like not physically, but like mentally. I'm I'm juggling a lot of things and like I'm not feeling supported or I'm not feeling like understood or whatever. Like it all comes down to something bigger that I never want to say or I might not even realize, but you know, there's a function to my behaviors. So long of the short, like just approaching things with curiosity is like a really wonderful thing, way to go. And you know, like even with our parents aging and whatever, whatever, like, you know, you may not have the same political views or whatever as your parents. And if you are close to them or you're there in your life to talk about it, you know, if you do run into anything that you don't agree on, you know, maybe explore it. Why do you feel that way? Well, just because no, this is not an answer. Like, what have you experienced that led you here? I think my generation and every generation after is probably like a little bit more open thinking. And, you know, of course we have a rigidity in some things, but like, you know, I think as things go along, we get more accepting and more accommodating of different differences, you know, neurodivergence or disabilities or gay or straight or cis or transgender or whatever, you know, like I think the world is coming further in that regard, and some people might still be like stuck back there somewhere in lands that they don't think about. Or, you know, challenging racism that people don't even realize that they're doing, you know, like you just said XYZ is lazy. Why do you think that? Like, what has led you to that and what like evidence do you have? Because like there's that's a wild generalization, you know, like putting everybody in one box is just not it's not the way to go. Like that person might be lazy, but like doesn't mean their whole race is, you know, whatever. Like it doesn't it doesn't make any sense. But like being able to challenge things and have this like back and forth conversation again, the the term productive, like having a productive conversation, and there's just some people that you are not going to be able to reason with and you're not trying to change minds, but just like being curious about where it is that these beliefs or ideas came from, so you can dismantle them if you can. I have um I have a person that I work with that is like vastly, not maybe not vastly, but you know, kind of on the other side of the political aisle, but like we really enjoy talking about politics together because we are from very different places. And yet we can meet in the middle to talk about, okay, on the in the very base of the day, we believe that people should be free to make their choices. We believe that people should be respected and that people shouldn't have to do XYZ to like live. It was just the means of how we get there might be a little different, but you know, we can have this conversation about how to get there or like give perspective on other things. And I do like maybe this is something that I shouldn't do, but I do it anyway. Like, I am very clear about the fact that I am not white with my people. And like, not everybody can tell. Like I said, I'm white passing, people just think I'm tan sometimes. But to be very open and honest about it, to like, okay, well, you may have not thought about this or that, but like we have to work on a different set of rules, even though we don't want to, in the same way that you, as a person with disabilities, has different expectations and different, you know, um, biases and whatever. Like, people think XYZ about you, meanwhile, over here, you know, as a Hispanic woman, people are thinking XYZ about me. So, like, I don't totally understand your experience and you don't totally understand mine, but we are here in the same sphere. Let's talk about it. Like, I'm not gonna let you like sit here and compare all the ways that like I don't know. It's just, you know, I think it's important. I think that I have a responsibility as a person, as a person to try and let other people know about my experiences and people of similar situations, you know, just to like open people's eyes to like, hey, you really need to stop for a minute and like think about where other people are coming from most of the time. If you're like a crazy person and that I use that word in like the the worst of ways, like our president, and your ideas are just waggy jaw out of nowhere, and you're talking out of your ass just because you can. Uh no, I don't really want to have that decision, have that chat with you. It's like there's not really any perspective changing there. You're just doing things the way you want to do them because you can. I feel like if you're a reasonable person, you know, you would be open to learning. Education is always important. I have devolved, imagine, in this crazy way of mine. I think, oh, what I was talking about. My job. I'm gonna try and condense it, but just like knowing that what I'm doing now is combining all of the parts of my life that I love, like thinking through, researching, thinking about things in a different way, uh, interacting with people who have like a different view on things or different experiences. Like, I think that's so cool that that's something I get to do every day. And it's definitely harder some days than other days, but like all the steps that I have taken in my life, and the steps that I thought were like definitely definitively gonna get me somewhere that had absolutely nothing to do with it what I'm doing now. Like, you know, I had to be in a certain place at a certain time. I had to apply for this job, I had to get my masters at just the right time, you know, like everything led me here. And the fact that like I do get to experience life with these people and kind of help them jump from one lily pad to the next, you know, like and just holding their hand to be there and support them in ways that other people might not know how because I know I I'm trained, you know, I I live in this world and it likes easy for me to think of all the ways that I can support other people, but like when you're just like in the thick of it trying to deal with behaviors or whatever, like depression or blah blah blah, you're not thinking about all these like helpful ways that you can get through things. I just I think that I feel really lucky to be able to do what I do because it just like combines all the things that I've ever liked to do. And yeah, I hope that it continues to stay this way. I don't know. I think being able to really dig deep and like be part of my job is just like learning more so I can help more people. I think that's pretty wonderful. The thing that gets hard is when I really run into difficult cases that I don't know what to do with, and that's definitely happened a few times, that I'm just like, I feel useless to you. I feel like I there's absolutely nothing that I can offer you that you haven't already heard from 400 other people, but the fact that I am there to talk to you and to bounce ideas off of. And if I don't know, I'll ask somebody. You know, I will use all of my resources to support you in any way that I can. And again, I'm just there. I'm a voice and I'm you know, I'm a ear, I'm an ear, and I can see what's going on in your house and I can experience these things with you. So whether or not I have an a solution, we can look for one together, or I'll just I'll be here to support you. It's just, you know, showing up, showing up matters, guys. That's that's the moral of the story. Showing up matters to show up. And if you can't, like me, sometimes when I'm not feeling uh my best, do your best. Do your best and lean on the people who show up for you. I'm not gonna apologize for the heaviness lately, as I said, and all the other ones, because sometimes that's just where I'm at. I try to be vulnerable and honest here, and I feel like I'm screaming into the wind sometimes, but I feel like this is important, whether or not it is. Because sometimes like I was telling my therapist like this is something that I do for me, and this is something that I do to process information and to put things into perspective for myself. Because when I'm talking about it and I'm laying it all out, I'm like, oh, okay, like these things are it makes sense now why these things are happening or why I'm reacting the way that I'm reacting, you know, whatever. And um, like my husband said, he's like, you know, just record and put things out there and people are gonna see them or it's or they're not, but your stuff is out there and it's reaching people, which I think is pretty cool. My friends, I hope that you're doing okay. And if you're not, I'm sorry. Uh reach out, reach out to me, reach out to a friend, be there for somebody, go get coffee, talk shit, have a dance party, don't do anything. Sit in a room quietly if you want to. Who cares? Do what you need to do. Just keep doing your best, friends. That's all we can do sometimes. This dumpster fire of a world we live in. But there are good things. There are good things going on out there. Mr. Rogers said, look for the helpers. There's a lot of us here. There's a lot of us here and a lot of people doing a lot of wonderful things. Okay. It's been real, guys. It's been real.