ADHD & Work Trouble

Today is all about reflecting on how ADHD appeared before I knew what it was and the ways it caused me grief as I tried to understand why it was so hard to do what I was asked to do. I also reflected on how struggling to meet that "enough" label stood in the way of me finding my ADHD diagnosis, coming to terms with anxiety and depression, as well as how feeling like I had to be "all or nothing" when it came to figuring out my sexuality. 

Main theme: 

• ADHD and production struggles/expectations
• Timeliness issues 
• Questioning sexuality 
• Acceptance 

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Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:31

Hello, hello, hello. Hello. Welcome to this. You know, I'm just it's never easy to start these things because it's always weird. And I stumble for a while until I figure out where I'm going. So, hello. Welcome back. In the jumble of my mind, I have no theme again today. Ah sorry. Except for the fact that I'm not. Because really, if you're listening to this, you know that I'll be rambling. Alright. And if you don't know that, then surprise. In my brain right now, I have a it's not a cover. I don't know. It's just a version of the song. Uh, have you ever heard Heart of Glass by Blondie? I heard it in a barber shop on Thursday when I was with one of my people. I remembered that there is like a slower, sadder version on Handmaid's Tale, and it happens like just as the government is being overthrown, and the rebels are taking over the country, and the main character and her friend are like going to protest, and then they start shooting people and bombing people, and they're like, Whoa, this is not supposed to be happening. What the hell? So then that like low creepy version is playing. I really like when shows do that and they kind of like make this really notable moment, um, in the same way that like Black Widow, the beginning of that movie, it is uh like a cover of an 80s song whose name I can't remember now. So this is a really great reference that I'm referencing. But you know, taking these like really iconic songs and then changing them, putting them in a really tense situation isn't wild. There's also a scene in Handmaid's Tale where she's like d serving a punishment, I guess, and she's listening to a heart monitor, and she starts singing heaven on earth. So she sings that like the whole song or the whole episode because it just keeps running around in her head, and every now and then you hear like little pieces of the real song. That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about. Handmaid's Tale, they got big budget, because they always have like pretty good songs in there that I feel like are probably pretty expensive to rent. I love a TV show, I love a reference. I was listening to a podcast this week shocking about ADHD in work and how it affects you. So I thought I'd tell a little bit of my story in that aspect, and then we'll probably like just uh unravel into other things as I go because I need to start somewhere. In this episode I was listening to, it was about reasonable accommodations at work. So ADHD is tricky because why it is considered a disability, like it's not seen as one necessarily in a workplace. It depends on like what your workplace is doing and how much evidence you can show. You walk this line as well of telling your bosses that you have ADHD because then they're like, oh, that's why she's so useless. But that's also a disability, and they like can't uh discriminate against you for that. I mean, it like Indiana is an at-will state. If you suck at your job, like they don't care why most of the time. Reversing back to when I first got my diagnosis, I was working at Anthem, I was doing claims, and before this, I was working a desk job doing claims again, and I struggled forever with productivity. Like, I think I've kind of like glossed over some of these stories before, but I realize that like a lot of them are important to my development. So we're gonna like revisit some of these things. So when I was working claims at my very first job, we were in cubicles doing our thing. We all had to do 15, 10 to 15 to 20, depending on what line you were on, claims a day. That doesn't sound like much, right? But some of them were tricky. So I started on accident claims, and those were a little bit easier until you would have people just like send you absolutely everything that they've ever had in regards to that accident. So I would be like flipping through medical records and looking at x-rays and pictures of teeth and cuts and nobody asked for that. I don't need to see it, I just need the paperwork. Send me a bill, dog. So, and like results. Results were always important. So, like we did a lot of skin cancer stuff. So if the stuff was benign, we wouldn't pay for it. If it was malignant, we would pay for it. But it was real, like supplemental policies are wild. I do have an accident policy myself because I feel like that's what I would need the most, because it just kind of like helps you to cover, like, say I tear my ACL again, maybe on the knee that I haven't done it already, because my right knee is a pre-existing condition, but my left is not. So if I were to get in an accident or something, like when I tore my ACL, I was riding a horse. I don't know if that would count, but let's say I fell and busted my shit on ice, and my ACL was already in shambles, and then it broke for one that I haven't looked at before. So I'm going to the ER probably, I'm getting X-rays done. I might have to have a surgery to fix it. So they would like break all that down and see what is payable. So that's the line I was on, and that one was a little bit more interesting because I did have to learn like a lot about anatomy at that point, which was fun. Because like if you broke an arm, it was this much, if you broke a finger, it was this much, if you broke that leg, it was this much. Because like your femur is your uh your strongest bone in your body. If you break it, that shit is it's not good. Takes a while to hit to heal, and you need physical therapy and surgeries and all that kind of shit. So eventually I moved over to the cancer line. And again, I started small with like wellness claims and then deeper into cancer claims, which is really, really sad because you'd get some people that would submit all their stuff at the beginning of their very first diagnosis, and like their family wouldn't send it in until the end. So you had to like look over years and years of medical records while you watch them like get sicker and you watch all these positive results, and oh now it's in their lymph nodes and it's here and it's there and it's in their brains and their blood. So then you know, you eventually get to the death strict, and you're like, oh no. Not only was it difficult because people would send so much stuff that it was also like really mentally taxing some days, and you had to kind of like separate yourself from what you were reading while at the same time knowing like this family is going through it, like their their loved one just passed away, or their loved one is going through cancer, and da da da. So you have to like make sure that you think about the people on the other end of the line, but you have to do your job correctly, so you had to go through and you had to do it all. So I was really thorough. I like really tried very, very hard to look through all my documents. Like, if I got a lot of records, I would print them out, I would highlight, I would scratch out, I would like throw out the pages that I didn't need because they didn't have any benefits we needed, just to make it easier for myself because I had to like group the things so I could get them paid correctly because quality was also a big part of this. So I got like dinged so so many times when I was doing this job for working too slow, and I would be like, listen, homie, do you want it done right or do you want it done fast? Do you want me to miss all of these benefits and then we've got to pay them later if somebody finds them or complains, and then we've got to pay interest because they should have been paid this a year ago? Like, no, you want me to try and get as much as I can now. The big claims is what we call them. They would go usually to someone on top of you so they could kind of look it over and like make sure you didn't miss anything, but then half the time they still miss stuff too because it's too much information. I got dinged for that constantly when I was working at my first job with claims. Like I was on notice at work probably at least three times because my production value was low. Again, not the fact that my quality was low, my quality was like nearly perfect most of the time, but I wasn't going quick enough for them. And I was just like, okay, I'm not real sure how I'm supposed to do this. And then at the same time, I had met like a few friends there, and for whatever reason, we would like trauma dump all day over I am, but other people could trauma dump and work at the same time. I could not. So, like, I would really get like deep into whatever I was talking about and trying to explain this all because written communication is so much better for me. I don't forget things and getting to know people and whatever. Again, things that probably should not have been happening over IM. Had they ever pulled our messages, they would have been like, um, you're fired because of the pure amount of time that you spent IMing on the clock about non-work-related things. It's funny because one of my friends, like my good friends, uh, that's how I met him, and he was like not my supervisor, but he was above me and he was helping to train me on claims. So he was one of the people that I spent the most time talking to. So that's funny. Eventually, I did get let go from that job, and it wasn't because of production, it was because of another ADHD trait, lateness, uh, timeliness. Also on a technicality, you know, we all every time we all recall this, we all, since there's so many of us, um, kind of point back to this. So, like, there was an app you could clock in on your phone. My friend showed it to me, and he's still like, Oh damn, that was my fault. So I would run, run, run, run, run. We could we had a flexible schedule, so you could get there anytime between 6 and 9. But we had like, I don't even know how to describe it, but it's like quarterly at whatever. Like, if you were there before like 9.07, it still counts. After 9.07, it counts as 9.15. I was always late because I lived 30 minutes away, and I am not a morning person, so I would always wait to get there at until like nine. And I'm like, well, it is what it is. So I'd be running, I'd be trying to get in the building, and I'd have my phone in my hand. So it's 9.05. Beep. I'm in the building because people have gotten caught before clocking in and not being in the building. I said, no, no, no, not me. So I'd scan my badge, wow, I'm in the building, I'd clock in on my phone. I'd run up my stairs, I'd do my thing, get settled, live my life, whatever. And eventually they were doing time checks or something, and they saw that this was a pattern of mine that I was clocking in at like 9.06 every day or something while my badge reads were at the exact same time. And I'm like, Yeah, I'm here. Like, I'm in the building, pull up the cameras, I'm here. Like, what is the problem? So they're like, Well, you can't do that. I had like a few sit-downs with HR, and I was like, Okay, I've been doing this for like a year or two, like, oh, okay, it took you guys long enough. So they told me, no, no, no, don't do that. And I said, Okie dokie. So I stopped. I was more active about my time. At that point, I probably should have been looking for a different job. I probably should have known the signs were there. Because again, how many times had I been on a performance improvement plan, whatever, a million fucking times? I had been there for a good four or five years, maybe. Maybe that's longer than it was. I don't know. It was there for a long time. Like every time I would be up for a promotion, I'd like had finally gotten my production together, everything was cool, whatever, whatever. And I was always up for a promotion. And the minute I was supposed to have that review, they would switch me to a different fucking manager. They give me three managers in the time that I was in claims. Every time they'd switch me, the new manager would be like, Oh, well, you're doing a new line now, so it doesn't count. Or, oh, I don't really know anything about you. Oh, I haven't seen this performance long enough, so I just got lost in the shuffle every single time. And our director eventually, she was my very first boss that I had there, and she loved me because she knew that like I could do the work. I was great, I had a good attitude, I was always willing to help, whatever, whatever. My quality was wonderful, even though I was a baby slow. And she was like, eh, whatever. Like it was never a problem to her because she knew what I was doing. She was our director at the time, and I remember going into her office, like near the end of my reign at this place, and I was like, listen, oh, it's been three or four people that have passed me over for promotions at this point, and everyone else in my hiring team is either fired or they've been promoted. This is crazy to me. Like the fact that every time you guys wanted me to cross-train into a different line and acquire new skills, you reset my clock. So you're making me do more work, harder work, more training, and you're not paying me any more. And there are people over there who've been on the same line learning less, doing less, and they're not, they're making more money than me. I don't understand how this works. This is some bullshit. I kind of put that all in front of her and I just like I just like vomited it all out. And she's like, okay, we'll see what we can do. And then she got me a raise. Also, when we moved areas, they put me right outside her office because I feel like I was supposed to be a row away, and then last minute they moved me around. So I feel like she was supposed to be watching me, essentially. But she was chill with me and she didn't care, except for the fact that she would like I would work until like six o'clock most days because I got there late. And uh, like my mom would call me late or something, or I'd be on the phone with Joe or my friend or whoever, late after my sh like everyone was gone. So she'd come out, she's like, Oh, you're talking to me. I was like, Oh no, I'm on the phone. And she'd be like, Okay, and just like look at me questioning, I'm like, it's fucking six, seven o'clock. Like, no one else is here. I'm almost done with what I'm doing. Like, I can see how that was a problem, but okay. I like begged and pleaded for her to give me a raise. Eventually it happened. In the midst of all of this, getting in trouble for badging in or whatever the fuck, HR like called me with my boss, and they're like, Well, you can't do this. And I was like, Okay, I won't. Now what? And they're like, Well, we have to review them. Meh meh me. Okay. So I talked to my boss after that, and he's like, Well, how you feeling? I'm like, I feel like I'm gonna get fired. He's like, No, they'll slap you on the wrist and it'll be fine. And I'm like, Okay. So time goes by, it was like a month after I had that disciplinary meeting or whatever the fuck there was, there's no discipline about it. He had set a meeting with me for Monday morning, and I was like, Okay. So I went into this meeting. He's like, Hey, grab your stuff. He didn't even tell me that. He was just like, We're gonna go to this meeting downstairs. I'm like, okay, this is concerning. And I walked into the room and there were two people there from HR, and they sat me down and he sat next to me, and I was like, Okay, what is this about? They're like, Well, after reviewing all of the facts or whatever, you're terminated. I'm like, What? Uh, question mark. And my boss was the one who told me after telling me not two weeks before that everything was gonna be cool because he told me, like, I was like, you can look at the cameras and see where I am. You know where I'm at. Like, you can see me. I'm in the building, but their bullshit reasoning was, you're not in your desk, so it doesn't count. I'm like, okay, whether I'm in my desk or not, like, does everybody come in and do an hour of work before they go get their coffee and go to the bathroom and put their keys down? Do they like sit in their coats and start working? Because that's some bullshit. They don't. I know they don't. I watch him clock in and go to get coffee every day. I don't think so. Like, why is this double standard only happening for me? I'm very confused. So it was the fact that my ass was not in my seat by 9.07. And I'm like, what? I work on the second floor, got bad knees. What do you want from me? Like, I'm trying to haul ass up there. And then, like, we had a lunchroom right down the way from my desk. And every now and then we'd be eating with like the vice president of the company, and I'd clock in on my phone because we were like finishing the conversation, and then I'd finish up my lunch and I'd walk away and go back to my desk. And my boss told me, Well, there was at least one time where I couldn't find you on the cameras. I'm like, what the fuck? Am I carbon San Diego? I'm not that hard to find. I'm in the building. And he's like, Well, yeah, eventually I saw that you were in the lunchroom. Oh, you weren't at your desk. I'm like, okay, what the fuck are you guys talking about? So it wasn't just me who was doing this. By the way, my friend who still works there, uh, he was doing the exact same shit, and he was late every day, just like I was. And for whatever reason, I didn't he didn't get fired. I assume it's because his production was better than mine, but he was doing the exact same shit that I was, and I was not the only one. I know that for a fact. But they let me go, which was not fun. That was like a really tough like six, seven months of my life, however long it was, four, five, six, I have no idea. I got fired in October, October, November, November, 7th, January, January, January, right. Uh it was like four to five months. Uh, because I started at Anthem in 2020. So it was a little it was a wacky time. And then when I started at Anthem, the work was way easier and it was still claims related, and I was like, all right, be fine, it's all gonna be good in the hood. I started the job, it was okay, and then a month after we got sent home for COVID and never came back, so I was working from home remote all the time. I had been working remote at my last job as well, but like two days a week and it was optional. So it was like there's no no one ever in the building because everybody was working from home all the time. Even when I was there, it wasn't any different. But when I was here, I had a really hard time focusing. Like I would take my lunch breaks, my 15-minute breaks or whatever, and I would be asleep on the floor because I'm like, I have to take a break. Like, I can't, I physically cannot do this work right now. It is hurting my brain to sit here and stare at this wall when I like know that there's laundry I could be doing, there's movies I can be watching. Oh, look, there's a bunny running around. Like, there were so many other things that were more interesting to me at the time. So then for COVID, when we were working from home all the time, every day, I was like, okay, for the most part in the beginning. As it went and I was like getting comfortable in my job and like whatever, that's when I started to like lose interest. So it wasn't challenging for me anymore. And like getting however many claims a day that I was supposed to was just not happening because again, I was having to take like my breaks and take naps or showers or whatever to try and like revitalize myself because I just didn't know. I was like, this is physically painful. I'm not sure how I'm gonna make three more hours of this day work. I don't understand. So I just tried really hard, and then like I was part of a gaming group at the time, and so many people in that gaming group, one, were not straight, so I got some illumination on my sexuality for that too. But two, most of them or all of them to whatever, or all a bunch of weirdos, uh, had ADHD. And I was like, huh. I didn't really know all the ins and outs of ADHD because like most people, I was just like, oh, you can't sit still. The end. It doesn't affect anything else. I mean, that was certainly part of it for me, but like I was the gifted kid in school. I breezed through everything, everything was super easy for me, like didn't have trouble focusing in school or whatever because I was interested. I liked learning and it was cool for me. But in college, that was not the that was not the case. I was asleep in my classes every day. I remember being in an economy class that I had to take for journalism, and I slept in that front row of that class every single day. You know, in college, they're like, whatever. If you don't pass, you don't pass, not my problem, which was nice. I needed that. I just it was like increasingly hard to do once I realized that like ADHD has more to do with your mood, your sensory issues, uh, not only your focus and attention, but like how you conduct yourself and how it does feel when you're starting to lose interest in things or your frustration tolerance is really low or whatever, whatever. Like, there were so many things that I didn't understand about ADHD, and I had just like no clue. And again, that like anxiety and depression can go with those two things. And there were definitely times in my life where I was like, would I be able to be diagnosed as depressed right now? Like, I don't know, I don't I don't know what quantifies or qualifies being depressed. I'm not depressed all the time. Do I want to be alive every day? No, probably not, but like that's normal, right? And I was like, I don't know, the voices in my head like never stop, not like crazy voices, but just like there's always something going in my brain. And I as I got to know more, I was like, oh wait, that's not normal. That's not like not everybody has this, like constant buzzing and brain work and just people in there all the time, songs, thoughts. Dreams, ideas, movies, like all of that stuff is in my brain 24 hours a day. That's not what everybody else is like. That's not a thing. Oh no. And I just didn't know that. And when I did have my assessment, the guy's like, who said that that's a thing? I'm like, I don't know. I've just from a lot of the studies I've done, I was like, there's a lot of things about me that I thought were normal. In the same way that again, I was figuring these two things out at the same time, adopting my bisexual label. I didn't know that I was like quote unquote bisexual enough to be counted that way. Because I don't know, I think I've explained this before, but like I can give you the quick version. You know, like I had always been physically attracted to women, but I didn't know it. And I didn't embrace it. Rather, like I remember having like quite a few dreams or was like making out with girls or whatever, and I was like, hmm, that's just a dream. I don't have any control over that. That's definitely not telling me anything. Or like certain parts in movies that'd be like, oh, this is really cool. This is really hot. Why? Whatever. This is hot to everybody, right? And like, you know, everybody who kind of claims that like everybody's a little ADHD, everybody's a little autistic, everybody's a little gay. Homie, no, there are some people that exist in the world that have never, ever, ever had the desire to kiss someone of the same sex, gender, whatever. Like, never. That has never occurred to them before. And it's never been like, oh yeah, I should definitely do that. That's something that sounds awesome. And then again, to have done it, like you don't have to have any have had any, I mean, for lack of better word, action with a person of your same uh gender identity, but that doesn't mean you're straight. Like that's you know, attraction is not action, I guess. And like being bisexual or not straight essentially is like being attracted to more than one gender. So pansexual and bisexual fall in that same umbrella of like being attracted to more than one gender. Uh, Pan is just like a little bit more like open about it, I guess. Like there's just it's people and emotions that they're connected to rather than gender identity. Um, but again, like pansexuals can be considered bisexual, we're in that same box, they just have a little bit more of a step in it, uh, their description. So um, yeah, in that same way that I was like, I don't know that I count. Like, would I make out with a girl? Yeah, great. Would I do whatever? Like, am I physically attracted to women? Yeah, once I figured that out. Okay, but I was like, I don't really want to date a girl. Like, that seems like hell to me. And I was just like, you know, I have a lot of girlfriends, but like my girlfriends are all pretty androgynous when it comes to like how we conduct ourselves. Like, yeah, we can like early shape and get ready and get dressed up or whatever, but like a lot of my girlfriends are on the same levels of like chill as me, I guess. And like, you know, we can be kind of I don't like know how to describe this without like sounding sexist, and I run into this a lot, but like I've always been more masculine, I guess. And I don't necessarily like I'm not a don't consider myself like a mask kind of like bisexual person. I don't really feel the need to adapt a label on just kind of who I am and how I am. But like my clothes have always been pretty unisex. I'm not super girly, I'm not super manly. Like I've definitely had periods in my life where I've like adopted a hobby or something to like get closer to a dude. You know, I've always like I grew up with brothers, and my dad was always like trying to make sure that I was tough and that I could take care of myself and whatever, whatever. And again, not to say that like you can't be like a super girly girl and not be able to defend yourself because you definitely can. That's definitely a thing. But like my mom was a big tomgoit growing up. I loved Barbies and I loved pink when I was little and whatever. Like, again, as I'm saying this, these are all like just gendered stereotypes that I don't like subscribe to at this point. But I don't know, I just like never felt a strong pull to like things that were stereotypically feminine, especially as I got older, because I was just like I'm just here, I'm doing whatever I do. Like I play video games and I listen to weird music and whatever, whatever. Like, I'm not into like super tight skirts or super tight clothes. That also had to do with like body image and whatever. There's a whole lot of stuff going on. Yeah, I just wasn't sure. Thinking about dating a girl was really tough for me because I was like, listen, I'm pretty short and I'm pretty stocky, and like not everybody has my body type, and I tend to be into more feminine women. Again, not super girly like Prissy, but like not super into mask men, well, mask women, because I like both. So if I wanted like a mask type of bisexual lesbian type person, I would just be with a man. Unless that particular person was really appealing to me. But again, like I I like both. I don't have to choose. If I want the male masculine version, I'll just like find the male masculine person rather than dating a masculine woman. So that was always confusing to me. I met a girl at a wedding, at my friend's wedding, and it was two women who were marrying each other, so it was like real hard to gauge. It's it's just hard with women in general, but like to gauge if this girl that I was looking at all night was straight or not. And she was real flirting with me the whole time. She like got real close to my face a few times to tell me how beautiful I was. She like grabbed my hair and pulled it a little bit, and I was like, I'm confused. I think I'm into this. Okay. Um, so and she was there with a friend and they were dressed very similar and they were like dancing together all night and whatever, whatever. And I was like, I don't know if this is like straight people shit, or just like being able to push the envelope people shit, or if she's like a little gay people shit. I'm not real sure. But at that point in my life, I was feeling a little daring, and I had already like developed my bisexual label, and I was like, cool, I've been trying to like shove this down my whole life. So you know what? Maybe, maybe today's the day that we're gonna see how this goes. At some point, I went over to her and I asked her, like, we were dancing, or I don't know, I think this was the very last part of the night because it had just turned on the lights, and I was talking to all my friends, and I was like, Are you guys getting the vibe that I'm getting? Like, am I just being like conceited? They're like, No, we see what you see. And I was like, okay, great. I was like, should I do something about it? Should I like ask for a number? Should I like ask a kisser? Whatever, whatever. And again, thinking back in retrospect, asking you to kiss a stranger is like pretty ballsy. Uh, but I did it because she was so pretty and she was like flirting with me all night. And I was like, nah, fuck it. I'm a little bit drunk. Let's do it. So I asked her and she said yes, and we kissed, and whatever. It was great. Um, and then afterward, she was just like, Well, we should hang out sometime. Like, let me get your number, and da-da-da-da. And I was like, Okay. So I walked away and I text my friend who I was like texting with all night, and I was like, I did it, I kissed her. And he was like, Whoa, okay, damn. So we were on like the party bus on the way home, and this girl was like texting my friend. She's like, ah, damn, your friend is like so hot. That was really like that was really forward. That was awesome that she did that. And I was telling her, like my friend, I was like, Well, tell her if she's like trying to back up the talk, like talk to me, like text me. So we text after that and kind of like retouched on the fact that that was awesome. Hooray, we should hang out sometime. Cool. Um, so a few days went by and she didn't say anything to me. And I was like, All right, cool. And at some point I had thrown out that I was like, all right, well, you know, what's your availability like? Whatever, whatever. And she had like two sons. She was married before and got divorced or some shit. I don't know. Uh, she worked at the hospital with my friends. And uh I was like, all right, well, you know, Muncie's like not that far away. And if you're ever free, we can hang out. Like, no expectations. Like, you're just kind of you're cool, I'm cool, we can just hang out and see what happens. It was pretty low stakes for me because I was like, eh, if we hang out and we're like just cool as friends, all right, cool. You're pretty, I'm pretty, we make out. Maybe we're just friends who make out sometimes. I'm cool with that. Um, and if it's more, okay, I guess we'll we'll play it how we play it. Because I have never tried to date a girl before. She was like the one girl that I was like, eh, maybe, maybe. Um, but as it went along, she was just like real standoffish about it. And I was like, all right, I'm reading the signs. I don't really want to do this, I'm fine. Um, but my friend at the time was like really pushing me, and he's like, Well, if you don't say anything, I'm gonna find her on Facebook and I'm gonna say something. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't do that. I was like, I've already reached out to her like twice, and she's like not really giving me any to fit in advancer. So I'm like, I'm reading the writing on the wall, like it's there, I'm not gonna keep pushing. But I said one last message to her and whatever, and I don't know how it went. But she was like, Well, I don't know if I've like ever been into girls and that was new for me, and whatever, whatever. And I was like, I mean, that's fine. Again, like, cool, not a lot of stress. If you don't want to hang out, I get it. If you do, awesome. And again, like, I'm not gonna show up and be like, let's get to it. No, like this is new for me too. You're just you're pretty, we kissed. So I just like I left it alone after a while. I was like, eh, you know what, I've already gotten the signs and I sent one more message than I would have otherwise without the uh the pressure from my friend. So I left it alone. And she like added me on Facebook somewhere in this process. She was sending me some some mixed signals a little bit. I went and hung out with my friends at like uh it was like Fall Fest or something, and they were like, yo, are you still talking to that girl? I was like, no, she didn't really seem like she was into it, so I let it go. And they're like, Girl, like block her. I'm like, what? They're like, Yeah, they're she's talking mad shit at the hospital, saying that you are like some crazy lesbian trying to like turn her and you're trying to force her to date, and you're just like really pressing this on her. And I'm like, Oh, what? What are you joking? And in the meantime, too, while all of this was going on, I was like, this girl has two kids. And at the time I wasn't sure if I wanted kids of my own or not, and I was like, all right, well, that might just like circumvent some some questions for me, so I don't have to deal with that. But like this girl again has two kids and a job. Like, first of all, when are we gonna see each other? Second of all, like, are you gonna want me to be your boyfriend? Like, am I supposed to take care of you and do whatever? Because like, I want someone to take care of me because she was about the same height as me and kind of the same build. And I was like, it doesn't have to be like a man and a woman in this relationship, obviously, but it just kind of like works that way sometimes. And it I was really getting the vibes that I was gonna have to like do a lot of the heavy lifting here, and I was like, I don't think I'm into that. Like this for the start of maybe dating a girl, like this seems like a pretty heavy lift to like convince this girl that it's okay to like girls and whatever, whatever, and like maybe she's just a straight girl who was like, okay, like you know, they exist, but I said I was straight too. The first time I kissed a girl, and I was like, nah, this is awesome, let's do it again. Like, straight people don't say that. I know their girls like sometimes make out for attention or whatever, but like deep down, the further you dig, like listen, we'll we'll little fruity, okay? All of my friends who all said, Oh, we're just gonna kiss girls because they can't they're either married to women or non-binary persons, you know, like we've all talked about it before. There's Nay, a straight person in my group. Uh, and we all swore we were straight at one time or another. So you lie to yourself probably if you're like, I want to kiss the people that I have the same parts as all the time. So yeah, she was just like talking mad shit about me at work, and I don't even work there. I like live an hour away. I was never gonna meet these people, but I don't know, for whatever reason, she was just like chugging up the rumor mill about me at work, like it was gonna affect me at all, but still like stalking my Facebook and everything, and like you know, watching my stories and doing this and doing that. I'm like, wait a minute, if I'm some crazy lesbian stalker, like why are you talking to me? Why are you looking at my life? Why are you texting me like oh I'm a little nervous to do whatever? It was like whatever she was saying to me was totally, totally contradictory to what she was saying to the people at work. And again, the lowest of stakes, dog, I don't want anything from you. You know, like I was happy and content to let our experience be our experience and to move on with my little life. I was just like feeling really great that I had the braveness to do that and to ask a girl to to kiss me when I was like out and proud. And like that was a big thing for me, but then it just like sullied the whole experience. And then that's that's not like the reason why I was, you know, like I don't know about this. But like really looking at that and seeing how fast she went from like cute and cool to like cruel. I was like, whoa, like at least I know how to man like manage dudes. Dudes are simple, like whether or not you want to be aware of it, they're gonna tell you pretty pretty big with their actions, whether they're into you or not. We might all ignore the flags, but we can see them. Like, we know what they are. Dudes follow a pretty set like cycle. We know what's going on there. I was like, yeah, I don't think that this whole dating girls thing is for me. And again, hanging out and like uh, you know, making out or whatever. Awesome, love it, cool. Um, so funny enough, that's actually like why I got back on the dating apps. And uh I was doing a social experiment with myself, so I set up a bumble profile for girls, only girls. I that was like my female gaze profile, which is very different from setting up a male gaze profile, just so you know. Um, so I set it up and I was very clear about what I wanted or whatever, and I was just like, you know, this is kind of not an experiment for me, but I'm just trying to figure out what I like and what I want, and whatever, whatever. And I couldn't see how, like, if you're like a bona fide lesbian and you got it figured out or bisexual person and you got it figured out and you know that this is exactly what you want. I wasn't your girl, and that's okay. But like, there are people on bumble and dating sites that were looking for the same things I was looking for. So, you know, I'm scrolling and not one woman matched me. Not one at all over like weeks, not at all, and like surely at some point ever, somebody was gonna swipe on me. I'm not ugly, like I know that I wasn't like looking for love, big L love, but like, you know, there again, there were other people most likely still in the same boat as me who were like, okay, I'm kind of like dipping my toes into this world. I need to like enter it slowly. Like, there was no chance that there was nobody on there who was like in the same boat as me, but not a one girl was interested. And I was like, wow, that makes me feel like absolute garbage. Okay. Um, and at the same time, I had set up a hinge profile for like the male gaze looking for a dude, and that's where Noah found me. Um, because I was swiping and whatever, but like Noah's 10 years younger than me. I did not have my age preferences set to 28 or 23 or whatever age I was at the time. Um, 10 years minus that, because I was just like not trying to fish in that pool, but the fish found me first. Like if they if you sent me a message or something, as long as it wasn't like sexual weird, I'd probably respond to you because I'm like not an asshole. Um, or if I was just like 100% not interested, but I was like, eh, slow stakes, whatever, I'll talk to you if you talk to me. Awesome. Because I would match with people and I would say something first to get this situation started because dating apps are weird and nobody likes them, but so often that just did like not work out for me at all. They would either not respond to me or they would be like really sexual and like I had at least two dudes on those apps tell me, Well, when we meet later, I'm gonna touch your ass. And I'm like, no, you're not. You can ask me when we're there and we've met each other and we're like vibing. Okay, well then we can chat about it, but you're not gonna tell me now that you're gonna put your hands on me, whether I like it or not. That's creepy. I'm gonna block you, you fucking weirdo. So, you know, it was just like, and then sometimes you'd find like a dude who was like chill, his pictures kind of checked out, all right, the conversation's flowing, we're into some stuff, whatever, like we have some commonalities, okay. And then either that day or the day after or whatever, it was never it never took too long. But they'd be like, Well, I'm into all this weird stuff, and I'm into this, and we're gonna do that, and let's talk about sex. I'm like, I haven't even seen your face in real life. Are you joking? This is too much, too much, too much, too much. Uh, happy to say that Noah did not do that. He was a gentleman. He found me, like I said, he commented on one of my dance videos. Kudos to him. Not even the dance video that was like a little bit more on the sultry side. No, it was a different one. It was like a nice, pretty contemporary one that he said something about it. And then I went to his profile, saw that he played the guitar, we chit-chatted about our hobbies, whatever. We talked for like two days, kind of off and on, at like normal intervals, like two to three hours between the texts, like normal people, and it was never hard. It was just like, okay, we're flowing, cool. And then I got the news about my new job because I had applied and whatever. I got a new job like that week. And he had asked me that day, well, can I call you? Can we talk about it? Can you tell me what's up? And I was like, Oh my god, you want to talk to me on the phone? Wow, that doesn't happen anymore. Because we had already set a date for the end of the week. I had already said that date for Friday. We knew it was coming. We had plans, we were working up to it. But he's like, No, let's talk on the phone. The first day we talked on the phone, we talked for like hours. In the middle, I had to like take a break and go to the gym because I was very determined at that point. So we went to the gym, Kevin and I, I rushed through my workout. I came back, I called him back, and we talked for hours. The next day I had something else going on, but we talked for a little while and whatever. The day before it was Thursday, I was going to Disney on ice with my cousin, and I was like, all right, I can call you when I get home. He's like, that's okay, we're gonna see each other tomorrow. Like, let's not like waste all of our conversation. And I was like, oh. And it was at that point that I was like, uh oh, I think I'm in trouble. And I was like, but I want to talk to you. It's been three days. Where are you at? And our first day went really well, and whatever, whatever. We were flowing, and it was great. That luckily saved me from this pool of dating women and having to worry about that. What am I talking about? Am I ADHD enough? Okay, am I am I bisexual enough, etc.? So, yes, now that I'm in a straight presenting relationship, like being bisexual is a little bit difficult because uh there's a lot of people in the gay community that don't take us seriously, and they're like, Yeah, whatever is something you tried, and now you're back, and it's whatever you're with the the traditional gender pairing or whatever, so it doesn't count. You're not gay enough or gay at all. And I'm like, I don't think that's how that works. So it's been kind of uh an ongoing struggle for people in the bi community to like prove or not feel like we have to prove ourselves that we belong and not have to justify these things, uh, and not have people be like, it's just a phase, it's just something you tried. But again, not everybody is interested in trying out another gender. Yeah, not everybody is into that. That's not a thing. And if that's what you think, maybe you should look at some of your history because you might be a little uh not straight either. Um, so sexuality is a spectrum, but I'm a psychology major and I learned about the Kinsey scale a long time ago. So Dr. Kinse was like uh Sexual psychologist, I suppose. So he developed a scale from one to six, one being like the straightest of straight, and six being like the gayest of gay. Most of my friends, now again, we understand that like most of us were always like, uh, I think I'm in like the middle somewhere. Um, and I was always like pretty solidly in the middle. I'm like, eh, probably like a two and a half to three, probably, not sure. And like the bisexual identity, it doesn't have to be like I 75% like men and 25% like women. Like, obviously, it tilts more toward the men, so I'm like straight more. Nope, doesn't work like that. It's attraction to more than one gender, full stop. And you know, again, when everyone's like, oh, everyone's a little gay, I'm like, yeah, all of us gay people think that because we've never been straight, so we don't know otherwise. And in the same vein of everyone's a little autistic, everyone's a little ADHD, whatever. The very diagnosis of ADHD or autism has to do with doing things long term. It's not just that you like, I couldn't focus today on my DHD. No, that's you're just being a human. It is like for a period of six months or more that you're showing these patterns of doing these things. And they're, I mean, in my definition, sometimes like it's debilitating. It's not just a thing, it's not like a cute hee-hee ha ha thing. Like, I have been fired before on account of my diagnosis. And because there was such a pattern of events, and I again didn't, I wasn't even diagnosed yet, but like in some way, had I disclosed that that was a disability of mine, I might have been able to fight that. I might have been able to uh sue them for wrongful termination. Um, because you know, disability. I was given no accommodations at all. So that was something I was aware of when I started my new job. I was doing that job, whatever, COVID was happening, and that's when I started putting all the pieces together. And I was like, all right, let me really look into this and let me possibly get a diagnosis because I don't think that I can beat my brain just with with free will, because that will has no will. Okay, it's not doing anything for me. So I did my assessment and I found like an ADHD specialized doctor, and he was actually kind of rude, to be fair. Um, but like I was sitting in a rocking chair when I was doing the assessment with my computer and my lap, and everything that I was doing was very clearly like part of my diagnosis. So I was rocking back and forth because I was super nervous, and he told me at some point, please sit still. I'm getting like motion sickness from your computer. And I'm like, oh, well. And I was tipping a tapping, and I couldn't keep my eyes on the computer and whatever. Every question that he asked me was a yes. I had like thorough examples of everything that he asked me. So I'm like a hundred percent ADHD combination, inattentive and hyperactive. I think that my husband falls more on like the inattentive version, so he gets really like hyper-focused on things and like he's a quieter kind of ADHD. Uh, mine is like if I don't have my meds, I'm cleaning the house at 3 a.m. And that's not a bad thing. It's just like not traditional, like I should be sleeping, and other people are doing things, so you know, I just like beat. I go to the beat of my own drum, especially if I haven't had meds, and that's usually when I know I haven't had them because I'm like, I'm not on like a daily, like routine structure right now. I'm like dying at two or three two or three in the afternoon because I simply cannot talk to people anymore. And I would rather like crawl into a hole than continue to do what I'm doing, and I feel I can't physically make it through this day. I'm like walking on nails to get through the rest of this day. Versus when I have my meds, I'm like, I'm bored. I would like this to be over. But how can I make it from point A to point B? Like, how can I do this? How can I function? Functionality is the big part of it. I mean, I've been putting off this recording again, like I do all the time, because I wasn't sure what I was gonna talk about. And lo and behold, I had a nice thing like in the trigger, I was ready to go in the chamber. But I'm sitting next to a huge pile of laundry. I was telling my best friend earlier this week, I'm putting both off because they both happen in the same room and they happen together. Sometimes I pair this activity to make it more entertaining for myself, but right now I've waited so long that there's so much activity left over. Um, and I've been putting it off because I'm like, but now Noah is going to work and he needs clean shirts and he needs clean dress pants. So I have to be a little bit more on my game because he's keeping up with his side of like putting them in and out of the washer for me because I really have trouble with that. So I need to like get on my shit and make sure that his work clothes are good to go because like this is my part of the bargain and I want to keep it. I couldn't I couldn't fight it anymore. Not knowing and trying to make up all these reasons why I don't have this diagnosis, and oh, that's definitely not me. I don't know anything about this. Like, what I'm just like distracted. No. So when I did get diagnosed, they put me on medication, and boy, oh boy, it was a mess. Like, I went through four to five medications. I did non-stimulants because I have high blood pressure, and I was like, I don't think I want to do a stimulant, my blood pressure is out of control, like I'm on medication, but I don't want to make it worse. Like, I don't want to fix one problem and worsen another. So they put me on non-stimulants, and that didn't do shit. So they like usually put you on a low dose and they'll gradually increase you over time. I maxed out like three different non-stimulant medications over the time, and then you have to go in every month because it's a controlled substance. So you have to go in every month to show and do a P test to show that you're not abusing your medication, which I was not. Um, at some point they added Adderall on top of that. It's a stimulant. When I first started Adderall, it was great. I was like, okay, I'm ready to go. I'm vibing. I'm I'm kicking shit out. But like a month after, it wasn't doing anything for me. So they changed some other medication, but it was always like that and something else. It was a stimulant and a non-stimulant in addition to all my other medications. So eventually, none of these things were working. I could not focus at work. Again, I was getting to the point where I was getting in trouble for my production, and I had told my my bosses at some point, hey, I have an ADHD diagnosis. I just got it. Like, this is explaining a lot to me, and I need you to understand that like I am trying to actively get better and trying to get my medication sorted out so I can show up better for myself at work and I can like earn my job and whatever, whatever. And they're like, Yeah, we get it. They didn't get it. Um, so it was like a lot of changing through things to find what worked. And eventually I switched doctors, and she was like, none of that shit is working for you, is it? No. She's like, Great, I'm gonna take you off all of it and I'm gonna put you on this depression med because this particular med works for women who are very resistant to other medication. I'm like, oh, okay. And it like targeted all the same stuff. I've been on that med forever, and it's the one that does the most for me. I definitely feel like it doesn't do anything sometimes, but when I know, I know when I don't have it that I can like, oh, okay, it is doing something because it's not here and I want to jump through a window. So okay. Um, and I remember doing a surgery once and she was like, Have you ever been diagnosed with depression or anxiety? I was like, no. So then I told her what meds I was on. She's like, bitch, one of those is a depression med. I was like, I don't take it for that. She's like, What do you take it for? ADHD? Oh, okay. I'm like, yeah. So it actually works out because that helps with the depression too. Again, never been diagnosed depressed or anxious. However, um, again, when before I got on blood pressure medication, my doctor asked me, Do you ever get anxious? Do you ever feel like your heart is racing like a lot all the time? And I was like, no. Yes, yes, the answer was yes. Um, so my med kind of like covers it all. And again, that depression, anxiety, all that kind of stuff falls into the umbrella of ADHD, which I definitely didn't know. And now things make so much more sense because the lows can get really low. And even medicated, like, I definitely struggle. Like this last year, like I've said a million times, has been really tough. And you know, like before I met my husband and my cousin was living here, we were both kind of walking in the shadows. Like, it's never like even something really, it's never something really big. It's just like I think that I I sh I compress so many things, and it's a little thing after a little thing after little thing after a little thing, and then suddenly my glass is all over the table because it's it's just exploded. Like it's overflowed and there's no space for anything. So, like, you know, I think I talked about spoon theory before, like you start the day with six spoons. Like, there are some days that I start the day with two, and then the day requires eight, and I'm like in a deficit, you know. Like there are definitely some days that are worse than others, and it's like weeks or months at a time sometimes. And, you know, I have a therapist, and luckily, like the last time I went to therapy, it kind of shook some stuff up for me, and I was like, okay, cool, I think I can get back on track now. But you have to have that maintenance. Like it, I hate to say it, and I again I know what my therapist is gonna say, but like sometimes having a professional say it to you is helpful because I've always lived in this camp of I'm not depressed enough to have depression, not anxious enough to have anxiety. Like there are other people that have more symptoms and more triggers than I do, so obviously it doesn't count to me. But like I've said before, in all kinds of reasons, just because my worst is not your worst doesn't negate my experience. We can all have our own shit, and it's not like a comparison of suffering. You're suffering, I'm suffering. That's it. Like one of my good friends has fibromyalgia, and every day is a struggle for her, but we can look at each other and we can respect each other for the struggles that we have on our own. And we can say, you know what, you may not know my exact pain, but you know what it's like to wake up every day and have to say, wait, what is my body doing today? What is my capability? How much can I do? What is gonna burn me out? What's gonna hurt me? What am I gonna pay for? Like, you know, that's really important to have to have people around you that understand, which is really nice that like in my friend group, you know, like like I said, most of us are not straight. So it's a lot easier to be like, okay, we all came to this conclusion later in our lives. We were 20s, 30s, you know, whatever. And we did something about it, and some of us didn't, some of us did, you know, but at least we uh are aware of it now, and it's part of us. We're not ashamed of it, we don't kept down, you know, we like support each other, and we're all like, yay, we're not straight, huh-sah. But it's just nice to have that community, even though we all did it at different times in totally different ways. Like, I think before I decided on my label, I knew, but I didn't know. Again, all of the evidence was there, but I was just like, nah, that's not real. Um, so just like all having our totally different experiences, but knowing at the end of the day, like we're still in this boat together. And it's kind of the same when you find people with ADHD, depression, anxiety, etc., etc. Because like it's so easy when you're outside of it and you live in like a neurotypical brain to be like, just do the things you're supposed to do. Just don't be sad, just don't think about it, just don't do this, just don't do that. It's not that simple. Like, if I were to cut off your legs and tell you get over it, figure it out, just run across the street, it's gonna take you some adjusting to learn how to work your body now that you don't have any legs. You know, you're gonna have to find some accommodation. You might need a wheelchair, you might need to scoot a little bike on, you might need to be a tricycle, you might need to crawl, you might need to go on your hands. You're gonna have to figure something out. But you have been set back on the start line. Your start line is like six paces before everybody else's, and now you gotta figure out how you're gonna catch up. That is every day. That is every day for a person with ADHD, some kind of mental health struggle, people of color, women, etc., like all of us, like minorities and things who have to factor in extra stuff than everyone else. Like you can't just wake up in the morning and go do whatever you want to do. I can't wake up in the morning and wear a short skirt and walk on the street and not expect anybody to harass me. You know, like as a person of color. Again, other people are darker than me, but as a person of color, if I walk into a majority of a white space in a certain neighborhood, I feel like people are gonna look at me a little bit different than I would like them to. Or, you know, dype my bike, feel a little bit uncomfortable or whatever. Like, you know, you grow up in a certain way and you're like, okay, well, these are the biases that a lot of people have. This is how I have to carry myself, and I have to be aware of their biases so I can act accordingly, whether I'm loud about it, whether I alter my whatever to like not stand out, whatever it is that you need to do, but your tool belt is different and your starting line is different. There have been a few studies that we've seen, or a few visuals that I've seen in my psychology classes where it's like everybody is on the starting line. Okay. And it's people of all ages, people of all colors. Cool. So the first question is like, do you have any, I don't know, whatever, like physical disabilities or any physical things that would like prevent you from doing XYZ? Yes, take a step back. Um, you know, okay, are you in this particular uh financial bracket? Yes, take a step back. And if no, take a step from, you know, whatever, like all of these qualifiers that you just don't think about. And at the very back of the line, usually after it's done, uh for whatever reason, you know, the white men are usually in the front with a significant uh, you know, advantage and like the people of color, specifically, usually black people, are in the back. Um just because of the way that society has been planned and the way that uh, you know, the financial system is not built with people of color in mind, and you know, so often we have to again start six steps back from where everybody else is, and then they say, Well, you're lazy, why aren't you working so hard? Why don't you have this kind of job? Why don't you have this education? Uh, listen to me. I had scholarships and everything. My undergrad, my parents were like kind enough to pay for it. My graduate stuff, I had half of my graduate stuff paid for by my work. I had to take out $30,000 of loans um to finish my grad degree, you know, and I'm gonna be paying that off forever. Like, do I make more money now? Yes, but I really lucked into finding a job in the same like vein as what I was doing before that needed a master's degree that paid significantly more than my last job. I got really fucking lucky. And that happened like three months after I graduated. Had I not had my parents like be kind and like have the ability to pay for me to go to college, I wouldn't have gotten here. You know, had I like stayed or had my baby not had a miscarriage and whatever, my trajectory would have been totally different. Had I not started at Anthem and they offered free tuition for whatever, I never would have done that. But I was in the right place at the right time and I talked to the right person to tell me, hey, this is a program you can do. Had I stayed at Anthem, I would have been able to get that for free. And had I stayed at adult and child, my last job, it was a nonprofit, I would have been able to wipe my loans after 10 years, but they didn't pay enough. They paid way too little and they expected way too much. And that is the the trick of um, you know, humanities, social science, whatever, like kind of things where you really want to make a difference. Like you have to decide, do I care about the cause or do I care about the money? And I would love to have done nonprofit work forever, but there's a lot of strings and a lot of like regulations you have to follow. Now that I'm at my job currently, it is still like Medicaid included and whatever, but like we are on a different, I don't know, like a different pay scale, I guess, and a different, we have like a different set of requirements that we go through, and it's not as like stringent or it's not as like it's not as complicated, I suppose. But like I had to work at my last company to get here. You know, just the the sequence of events have led me to be in the right places, but I again had the privilege to have a family that supported me. I had a privilege to find the job that had resources that I could use, I had the intelligence to use those resources. Like I am a big proponent of people using their benefits at work or whatever benefits are available to you. If you have a place to learn, learn. Go to the library and learn. You education is free depending on how you do it. Like there's nothing, you're never gonna regret educating yourself and learning more. That way you can get yourself further ahead in your goals. Not necessarily I'm just gonna make more money, but like to help more people. Like the fact that I have had the professors that I have and experienced the things that I've experienced have led me to, you know, being an activist and looking into um places that I can help that I didn't know existed before. Like I am not a protest goer because my safety is important to me. And I know that not every protest is unsafe and whatever, but just again, as a person of color and I'm really short and I'm small and I've got a lot of health problems, like I don't want to put myself in the situation where I'm gonna get shot or I'm gonna get maced or I'm gonna get smoke bombed. Like that is somebody's bag, it's not mine. I don't find it necessary to go and do that. That's just me. I love that people do. I wish that I wanted to more, but I don't. So instead of doing that, for example, for the No Kings protests, I found a mutual aid in my city and I set up a recurring donation. I set up a recurring donation for a food bank that I used to volunteer at. I just set up a recurring donation for an environmental company in Puerto Rico that helps people to learn sustainability and how to keep resources because their government and their whatever sucks. So these people help them to figure out how to make rain barrels because people in Puerto Rico didn't have water for however long there was a drought, you know, setting up rain barrels and learning how to grow your own food and whatever. This is also why I grow my own food now, because I want to make sure that I can be sustainable. I would love to have a rain barrel, but we just don't have enough space. Um, so you know, like all of the things that I learn, a lot of them have been taught to me in non-traditional ways. And I've just been like on this path to unlock all of these different skills so I can pass them on and help my community. Like one of the good things about making more money now, and like all the financial books that I've read too are kind of like, you know, save first, pay off your debt, like credit card debt that's higher than the XYZ percentage invest. And if your debt is higher than what you would make in investing, you know, pay that off first, but invest too. And then like at the very end, when you have everything you need, all your needs are taken care of, or you have enough that you can is when you start to give back and you can donate to causes that are important to you. Like, I don't donate a ton, and I'm not like trying to tune my own horn, but just like mutual aid in the city helps people that you know need to reach out. There have been several campaigns now where like, oh my gosh, this person's gonna get evicted at the end of the month. Can we come together and help them get to this amount so they can like survive for a little while, you know, and every Sunday or whatever they have like a basic needs drive. So they have deodorant, they have soap, they have whatever that they give out to people who need it. And it's helping in your community because like that's one of the biggest things we can do on a on a larger scale. Like, of course, you can vote and do what you need to do and make sure you have the right representation, but to a certain point, our hands are tied, we can only do so much, but you can help your communities and you can, you know, help the people at home. Because, like, honestly, if everything Goes down or whatever, like that's all we have. We have the people around us, we have our communities, we have the people we love, the people we talk to, like the places we have bolstered up. Um, because the world will get very small for a little while, probably. So, you know, um, yeah, you know, I'm a product of my circumstances, I guess. Like I've taken a lot of bad shit and turned it into good shit. And I have taken the good shit that I've gone through and the privilege and the love and the care and the support from my family and friends, and I've turned that into something else. Like I work in a profession where I help people. And uh, you know, I'm to the point in my life where I can do my own horn for that because I I am proud to tell people what I do and I know that my work matters in whatever way it shows up. Like that makes me feel good. Like, you know, if there is a deity, like I think then I'm fulfilling what I need to do. Like I found enough signs and I followed the path in the way that I needed to go to help and to put more growth in the world, than just to like take all this negativity and like eat it. I don't want to do that. I think all of those thoughts were connected somehow. I'm not real sure how, but I think I got there and I don't want to like run for too long because I yeah, I don't. Um so what I would like to summarize in a moral of the story type way is that education is always great to help you, to help the people you love, to help your communities, take a free class. Like your local library has like a crazy amount of resources that you've probably never thought of before. There's a lot of free resources out there in the world to help you get to your goals or just to learn to better take care of yourself. Like there's TikTok videos and YouTube videos of people showing you how to fix things in your house, you know, like so you can be more reliant on yourself. Like, I would love to know how to do everything myself. I would love to never have to call anybody for anything, but that's just not a possibility right now. So there's some things I have to outsource to professionals. I don't fuck up my house. Um, so you know, education is wonderful. Do it, take care of your communities. Uh find a cause you can donate to if you'd like. Like, you know, it doesn't have to be a lot either. I don't donate a lot. I donate what I can feasibly like not miss. I usually justify it as the fact that if I didn't eat fast food this one day, there's my donation done. Like my money there is gonna go a lot further than this McDonald's that I'm gonna eat for two minutes and be gone and feel like shit. No, that money is better served over there. That's part of it. Also, in the ADHD and sexuality and any other thing that we would like to call uh to put under this umbrella, you are enough of whatever it is that you think you're not enough of. This I think society puts so much pressure on us to have to prove the way we do things or why we do things, whatever. No, that's such a waste of time. Like, as feasible as it is, like pick what you are and who you are and whatever it is that you are and be that. That's it. You don't have to prove it to anybody, like you don't have to prove that you're cool or stylus or fashionable, or I'm not depressed enough to count, or I'm not lesbian enough to do this, or I'm not smart enough to be considered smart and whatever. Like, you are enough. You are enough of whatever it is that you think you are. Trust me, there's other people who wish that they were as far along as you and whatever it is that you think you are not as far along as. It is okay. It is okay to pat yourself on the back. It is okay to know that you are doing all right, because I think we're all so conditioned to be like, what am I doing wrong? What is it that I'm missing? Like, I had a boss who told me when I had a really, really challenging kid in schools, like, you can write a whole list all day long of the million quatrillion things that she did wrong, but really call your attention to the things that she did right, put those on a list and tell her about her. Tell her about them. Do you think that you're gonna get more from her acknowledging all of these things? Or are you gonna get more from like telling her that she's terrible? In the same way in a relationship, okay. Are you more likely to help me out or help out your spouse or whoever if they're like appreciative for the things you do? They notice the things you do that to make the house run and to make it easier for them, or are they gonna be more likely to do it if you're like you didn't do this, you didn't do that, where's nitpick, nitpick, nitpick is the difference. I think that's most of it. I struggle always with not feeling like I'm enough of anything. And all of these things that I come on here and I stand on my soapbox and I talk about are things that I need to hear for myself. And they're usually like very on par with whatever it is that I'm struggling with that week. So, like, again, if no one ever listens to this podcast, it's for me. It's for me to talk to me about the things I need to hear. I will put in a little plug for myself because I'm trying to look for sponsorships and stuff. Um, if it is available for you to rate on whatever it is platform that you're listening to, please rate me so I can show up for other people because they won't show me other people and I cannot get sponsorships uh without ratings. I have like one rating, and they're like, Well, my friend, that's not enough for us to want to pay you to advertise our stuff. And I'm like, okay, cool. So, yes, if you are so inclined, help help us now. Leave me a rating. Um, like I said, I try to do this like on a consistent basis, but life doesn't always allow me to do so. I don't always have the brain capacity, and like it's hard not to tell myself all the time, like, what for? You're not good enough, etc. etc. So uh my podcasting is an act of resistance toward myself and to all the people telling me that I'm not enough in my brain. Not actively, because a lot of my friends, well, all of my friends and family are very supportive of me. Okay, ramble, ramble, ramble. I hope you guys have a good week, and I will talk to you whenever I talk to you next. I love you. Thank you for being here. It's been ready.